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Before the Moon


Before the Moon

Postby Nutcase on Thu Jul 09, 2009 5:15 am

1  

~Kristy~  

“Nat, you can’t seriously be carrying that everywhere with you,” I said to my best friend. Nat, who had a massive fear of vampires, was wearing a ring of garlic around her neck. She believed that it would protect her.  

 

“The only thing that that’s going to do is make you stink” I said.  

Jake, my boyfriend walked past me then,  

“I need to talk to you,” he whispered in my ear, and walked out of the park.  

 

“Who was that?” Nat asked.  

 

“I’ll be back,” I said ignoring her question, and followed Jake.  

 

Jake had only been my boyfriend for a couple of months, but I’d known him for a few years, and, because of the way I jump to conclusions with anything to do with superstitions, I believed he was a vampire, which was the exact reason Nat had never met him. I know what you’re thinking, why would I go out with a vampire. Well, here’s my theory, Jake may be a creature that is supposedly evil, but he’s still a person, and he’s a nice guy. There was also no guarantees that he was a vampire.  

 

I turned the corner to see him. He had a very serious look on his face, it sent a shiver down my spine. I’d never seen him this serious before. He turned and walked further down the pathway. I followed him, confused.  

He finally stopped I the middle of a group of trees. It was a very secluded place, which scared me even more of what he had to say.  

 

“I can’t do this any more,” he said, “I like you Kristy, and I know that you like me, which is why I just can’t do this.”  

 

“What are you talking about?” I asked, I was more confused now than before.  

 

“I have been lying to you every moment since I met you, and I just cant stand it any more. I’m not supposed to tell anyone, and I really don’t want to tell you, but I can’t help it. I don’t expect to see you again after this.”  

 

Now I was really scared, but the confusion was gone. I had a fair idea of what he was about to tell me. I was also a little bit disappointed though. I thought I was going to find out something I didn’t already know.  

 

“I’m a vampire,” he breathed.  

 

I was right. As weird as it sounds, that information made me quite happy. I like it when I find out that I’m right about something.  

 

“That’s a shame,” I said, “I was hoping that you’d tell me something I don’t know.”  

His eyes widened.  

 

“What?” He asked, amazed.  

 

“I think you heard me,” I answered.  

 

“You knew?”  

 

“Ever since I met you.”  

 

“How?”  

 

“I guessed.” I made it sound so simple.  

 

“Is it really that obvious?”  

 

“No, I’m just very superstitious.”  

 

“And you don’t care about the fact that you’re going out with a vampire?”  

 

“Not really.”  

 

“This is more dangerous than I realized,” he said, and he walked away. That was the last time I saw him.  

 

 

 

 

2  

*3 years later*  

~Jake~  

I ran. I ran like I had never run before. I knew what had happened to Isaac, and I had to be the first to find him. I ignored the rain, I ignored the thunder. I just ran.  

 

Eventually I reached the river, and started to weave in and out of the trees, and around the corner of one of those trees, was Isaac. He was leaning against one of the damp gum trees, his eyes tightly closed. You could tell he was in pain. I rushed to him.  

 

“Isaac,” I whispered.  

 

“Jake, No, no! Go! Leave!” He gasped, “You don’t know, you wouldn’t understand,” he said, raising his voice.  

 

“Yes I do,” I yelled, “I know exactly what you’re going through, Isaac.”  

 

Just then, the clouds moved away. The moon shone, any other time, I would’ve thought that that moon was beautiful, but I knew what would happen as soon as Isaac saw it.  

Suddenly, Isaac let out a terrible scream. I ran to him.  

 

“Isaac, you must listen to me. I know exactly what you’re going through; I know what has happened!”  

At this, he seemed to calm down.  

 

“You do?” he managed, in a hoarse whisper.  

 

“Yes!” I said, delighted I was getting through to him, “I can teach you how to control it.  

 

“ You can….?”  

 

“Of course! I wouldn’t tell you I could if I couldn’t” I asked.  

 

“If I go back, I won’t be……be like that? Not in front of my parents?”  

 

“No, not now.”  

 

And so we walked back toward the place where we had agreed to meet in another few minutes.  

 

***  

 

I led Isaac into my room. It was not because I was afraid of what my family found out that I was worried, they already knew everything about me, and they wouldn’t really mind the news about Jake. I led him there because I figured that he would prefer the privacy.  

 

“So, how am I supposed to control this thing?” he asked.  

 

“Basically, control your anger. That’s the simplest way anyway.”  

 

“You expect me to control my anger?”  

 

“Yeah, I know you have a bit of an anger management problem, but you’re going to need to be able to control it.”  

 

“Why?”  

 

This was the biggest problem with Isaac. You can’t tell him anything without getting him angry. There was no way to keep him happy.  

 

“Look, if you want to be the usual werewolf, go nuts on the full moon, and have no control over what happens, be my guest.”  

 

“Why would you know how to handle it, you’re not a werewolf, are you?”  

 

“No, but trust me, I’ve had a lot of experience in the supernatural, and let’s be honest, it’s me or nothing.”  

 

Isaac sighed. “You’re right. Sorry about that.”  

 

“It’s fine, and you definitely need to control that anger.”  

 

It was then that a group of police walked in the door.  

 

“What’s going on?” I asked.  

 

“You are under arrest,” said one of them, as another one handcuffed me.  

 

“What? What for?” I asked confused. I had never done anything against the law in my life.  

 

“Oh drop it. We know what you are, Vampire.” The final world was more of a snarl.  

 

Isaac gasped.  

 

As they started to take me out the door, I said two words to Isaac. Two words, one name. I left Isaac with the name of the one person that I knew would believe me.  

 

“Kristy Rinshore.”

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Postby Talulahbelle on Thu Jul 09, 2009 9:09 pm

I'm really interested in whats happening already but there is one thing that I see that bothers me as i read this. The coversations. Go into more...detail, i guess. Not just he said she said, give more thoughts and movements and reactions, etc. What I try to do (not implying that I know what I'm doing, though) is read books that I love and have practically memorized (so i won't be focused on th story) and try to pay attention to the writing itself. the structure and all that jazz.
Does that make any sense? I'm really new to this stuff.
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Postby Nutcase on Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:20 am

Yeah, that makes heaps of sense. Thanks, I generally focus too much on the story than the actual structure of the story, but I see now that it's a bit blunt to read, if you know what I mean by that.
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Postby bludragon525 on Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:41 am

Hey!!!!

Great start. Your plot is fascinating, and I just want to know more about Isaac and Jake.

“What?” He asked, amazed.

“I think you heard me,” I answered.

“You knew?”

“Ever since I met you.”

“How?”

“I guessed.” I made it sound so simple.

“Is it really that obvious?”

“No, I’m just very superstitious.”

“And you don’t care about the fact that you’re going out with a vampire?”

“Not really.”


I liked this part, but I agree with Talu (I'm calling her that for now). It just seemed so.... short. It bothered me more than I would have liked. Try describing reactions, body movements (ex: uncomfortable movements, like fidgeting), etc. It would improve your writing a lot, and wouldn't make it seem so dull and short.

That was the last time I saw him.


Oh, come on. She never sees him again? I mean, wouldn't they run into each other sooner or later because of Isaac? And besides, it kind-of ruins the story for me. I'm not sure why, but it just does. If he dies in your story, this foreshadows that. I would suggest taking it out, but it's up to you.

Overall, I like your first two chapters! Definitely keep writing!

zOe :smt043

PS PM me when you come out with the next chapter!
Help! I can't remember if I'm the evil twin or the good one!
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Postby Linx on Fri Jul 10, 2009 4:58 am

Hi there, darling! :D


“Nat, you can’t seriously be carrying that everywhere with you,” I said to my best friend. Nat, who had a massive fear of vampires, was wearing a ring of garlic around her neck.

Is it a ring of garlic or a ring of garlic on a string? I got confused there. :wink: Show us in the story!


“The only thing that that’s going to do is make you stink” I said.

You can put this in the first paragraph, because a new person didn't speak, darling. :wink:


Jake had only been my boyfriend for a couple of months, but I’d known him for a few years, and, because of the way I jump to conclusions with anything to do with superstitions, I believed he was a vampire, which was the exact reason Nat had never met him.

One, this is a very bad run on sentence. Super long and confusing. Cut it up! Seperate it into more than one sentence.
Two, she believes he is a vampire? How? Are there any hints? Or does she think everyone is a vampire. Give us reasons why. You can't just say so and then leave it. Give us reasons why!!


I turned the corner to see him. He had a very serious look on his face, it sent a shiver down my spine. I’d never seen him this serious before. He turned and walked further down the pathway. I followed him, confused.
He finally stopped I the middle of a group of trees. It was a very secluded place, which scared me even more of what he had to say.

Ick, this is starting to sound like....gah, I'll say it later.

Also, he didn't stop I the middle of a group of trees; he probably stopped IN the middle of a group of trees.


I was also a little bit disappointed though. I thought I was going to find out something I didn’t already know.


“That’s a shame,” I said, “I was hoping that you’d tell me something I don’t know.”

I really don't like this repetition. You first tell us that she thinks this, and then she says it. It just doesn't really work very well.


I now have to go, but I'll be back and finish this tomorrow. ^_^ Promise. And that's why I'm back.



His eyes widened.
“What?” He asked, amazed.
“I think you heard me,” I answered.
“You knew?”
“Ever since I met you.”
“How?”
“I guessed.” I made it sound so simple.
“Is it really that obvious?”
“No, I’m just very superstitious.”
“And you don’t care about the fact that you’re going out with a vampire?”
“Not really.”
“This is more dangerous than I realized,” he said, and he walked away. That was the last time I saw him.


This sounds incredibly vague. So vague, it hurts my head looking at it. At some description in there! Show and not tell! Don’t just say that he was amazed; show us! Did his eyes widen in surprise? Did he mutter and run his hand through his hair? Is she grinning in triumph? Show us! Every story needs more than just dialogue. So add some more description! Let us see the scene, not just hear it.



Eventually I reached the river, and started to weave in and out of the trees, and around the corner of one of those trees, was Isaac. He was leaning against one of the damp gum trees, his eyes tightly closed.


Um, this sounds weird. But, whenever you said ‘around the corner of one of those trees,’ it made me think, “trees don’t have corners…” Anyway, that just sounds really weird in the story, so I would suggest changing it.

Also, the repetition here sounds weird as well. You say ‘around one of those trees’ and then ‘leaning against one of those damp gum trees.’ It just sounds really weird and it probably gets the reader confused, so I would suggest changing it as well.



You could tell he was in pain.


DON’T TELL US, SHOW US. Is his face red? Does his face look like he is in pain? Don’t just say that he looks like in pain, give us reasons why he looks in pain. Is his body squirming around like he is in a seizure? Is he just sitting there with his face red? Tell us, so we can picture it in our heads!



I rushed to him.


Suddenly, Isaac let out a terrible scream. I ran to him.


Did Issac run away from him? Did Jake move back? Because he someone can run to Issac twice, even though he didn’t move. That doesn’t seem possible, unless he is Superman. But he is a vampire, so maybe.

But we don’t know! All we know is what you have told us. Explain to us what happened, so the reader isn’t clueless about what just happened. Or take out one of them, if it’s a typo. You never want the reader confused. ;)



At this, he seemed to calm down.
“You do?” he managed, in a hoarse whisper.


You can move that second line up with the first one, you know. It doesn’t need to be it’s own sentence.



And so we walked back toward the place where we had agreed to meet in another few minutes.


…Nutcase say what? This would think this is confusing for the readers, because it’s confusing for me. One, Issac could suddenly walk even though he was in horrible pain just a second ago? Did the pain leave? Or can he just walk? Show us, because it’s very confusing! :D



It was not because I was afraid of what my family found out that I was worried, they already knew everything about me, and they wouldn’t really mind the news about Jake.


…did you accidently slip into third person? Because aren’t we in Jake’s point of view? That whole line is just very confusing and hard to comprehend.



It was then that a group of police walked in the door.


Which door? The house door or the bedroom door? And wouldn’t the family realize that the police were in the house? This all just seems very vague.



I had never done anything against the law in my life.
“Oh drop it. We know what you are, Vampire.” The final world was more of a snarl.


One, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t broken the law. I have (littered >.>), and since he is a vampire, it just seems unrealistic for someone who has lived that long to not break the law.

Two, how in the world do the police know that he is a vampire? Are you going to explain that in the next part, maybe? Because I don’t see a reason why they would know that he is a vampire, or why he is arrested. Are all vampires automatically arrested for being vampires? There aren’t enough reasons or descriptions to back up this part, really, darling.



“Kristy Rinshore.”


Um, wouldn’t the police hear the name? and that would mean they would track her down because he said it, right? I mean, the police are *right there.* Unless you are going to add that in the next part. But just remember that, darling.



Okay, I’m done looking over all that now. A relief, right?



It’s vague! :arrow: So vague, it hurts. It really does. A writer wants to create a picture or scenes in the reader’s mind. Whenever it’s all dialogue and no description, it’s like a movie with only sound and no pictures. Whenever there is no dialogue and only description, it’s like a movie with no sound and only pictures.

There were some parts in here that it seemed like you only have dialogue and that’s it. Add more! Let us actually see what’s going on in the story. Tell us if she is blushing. Tell us if she has brown hair. We know none of this stuff! So show it to us! Let the readers see what’s going on in their heads!
I know I’m stressing this, but it’s important. Really important. ;) you got it, darling.



do you know what the first chapter of the story this sounds like? :arrow: Twilight. It does, and it reminded me a lot about it. I have no idea if you meant it, but the vampire, and walking off into the woods and saying that he is a vampire and they are in love…and then he leaves her because they can’t be together. It just sounds so much like Twilight, it kinda hurts. I would love for you to take this story in a different direction that Twilight, because if it is a lot like it, it would be considered plagiarism. And that wouldn’t be good.



Characters :arrow: Right now, the characters seem pretty vague as well, but with more description and such, I think that we will finally see more of the character's personalities. I really want to see more of an original personality with all three of the characters, especially with Kristy. You have a real good opportunity here. Take it!


I know you can do something with this! I know! I wanan see you do it! :D

Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Linx
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)
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Postby KinkyWaffles on Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:19 am

Keep on writing! I loved this!
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Postby Lumiere on Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:08 am

... whew! that's good!
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