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Malachi
Topic ID: 50275
Likes: 2
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4 posts
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Malachi
by Babanuuk on Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:17 am
Rest your head,
and close your eyes.
I will guide you through this waking dreamland,
this gilded city,
Home to the jaded and the naïve.
One blood,
One mind,
We’ll give birth to a child-
a sullen faced infant.
Friendless, hopeless, lawless,
she will embody this straitjacket sensation
and exemplify everything
we could never quite grasp-
Pleasure and privilege
just past the horizon.
We hoped for
the sun tinged rise and fall
of ocean waves,
But what we got was
the lullaby of a lunatic
who hems and haws-
Never quite awake,
Never truly asleep.
One blood,
One mind.
We are everyone,
and we are no one.
We live.
We love.
We are alone.
Last edited by Babanuuk on Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Your beliefs define your character... I believe in LOVE.
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Re: Malachi
by darko.demark666 on Fri Jul 03, 2009 2:24 pm
Nice catch.Babanuuk wrote:Rest your head,
And close your eyes.
I will guide you through this waking dreamland,
This gilded city,
Home to the jaded and the naïve.
Why dash?Babanuuk wrote:...
She will embody this straitjacket sensation
And exemplify everything .
We could never quite grasp-
...
Babanuuk wrote:...
But what we got was
The lullaby of a lunatic who
...
Who should be in the next verse, it sounds better like that.
Babanuuk wrote:One blood,
One mind.
We are
Everyone
And We are
no one....
Consistency. If you ddecide to put a comma behind the "and" do it through the whole poem, and if you don't want to-don't.
Babanuuk wrote:We live.
We love.
We are alone.
Great!
You're my hero! And you're also the first person here to whom I said something like that.
I explained to you what bothered me in your poem already so I can only say something about the caps. Verses aren't lines and sentences and a new verse isn't a beginning of a sentence so the caps should be properly placed. oKaY? Other than that, I liked your poem a lot!
Dreams they come and go...ever shall be so...
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When used, this will add an ad.....ah...screw it.
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by M. Joan on Sat Jul 04, 2009 1:36 am
I know this poem means something to you, something that no one else that reads this poem will understand, and that is why I absolutely think this is genius.
-M.
-M.
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by dogs on Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:00 pm
hey this is dogs,
I really think poem, i really like how it flows and it sounds absolutly great. i don't have very much to add to this, but i would like to say that it is inspiring, soothing, lovely, any word you can find to describe as good.
however i don't get the last stanza when you say "we live we love we are alone" ???? why are you alone??i think that that is a bad ending and needs fixing. it defies the entire poem!!! i mean you are writing and saying how you are guiding him through this dream land and how you guys love. and then you say "we are alone" it makes it fall short for me. you need to end on a something more happy or joyful.
apart from that one line, i truely love this poem and i think that there isn't much to add. darko coverd all of the spelling issues. sooooooooooooo just continue working "D =D
TuckEr EllsworTh
I really think poem, i really like how it flows and it sounds absolutly great. i don't have very much to add to this, but i would like to say that it is inspiring, soothing, lovely, any word you can find to describe as good.
however i don't get the last stanza when you say "we live we love we are alone" ???? why are you alone??i think that that is a bad ending and needs fixing. it defies the entire poem!!! i mean you are writing and saying how you are guiding him through this dream land and how you guys love. and then you say "we are alone" it makes it fall short for me. you need to end on a something more happy or joyful.
apart from that one line, i truely love this poem and i think that there isn't much to add. darko coverd all of the spelling issues. sooooooooooooo just continue working "D =D
TuckEr EllsworTh
TuckEr EllsworTh
Age is a question of mind over matter, if you don't mind than it doesn't matter.- Lero Paige
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand-Mark Twain
All generalizations are false-Mark Twain
Age is a question of mind over matter, if you don't mind than it doesn't matter.- Lero Paige
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand-Mark Twain
All generalizations are false-Mark Twain
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