The Young Writers Society

by **Babanuuk** on Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:17 am

Malachi

by Babanuuk on Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:17 am

Rest your head,

and close your eyes.

I will guide you through this waking dreamland,

this gilded city,

Home to the jaded and the naïve.



One blood,

One mind,

We’ll give birth to a child-

a sullen faced infant.

Friendless, hopeless, lawless,

she will embody this straitjacket sensation

and exemplify everything 

we could never quite grasp-

Pleasure and privilege

just past the horizon.



We hoped for 

the sun tinged rise and fall 

of ocean waves,

But what we got was

the lullaby of a lunatic 

who hems and haws-

Never quite awake,

Never truly asleep.



One blood,

One mind.

We are everyone, 

and we are no one.



We live.

We love.

We are alone.

Last edited by Babanuuk on Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your beliefs define your character... I believe in LOVE.

Donate · by **darko.demark666** on Fri Jul 03, 2009 2:24 pm

Babanuuk wrote:Rest your head,
And close your eyes.
I will guide you through this waking dreamland,
This gilded city,
Home to the jaded and the naïve.

Nice catch.

Babanuuk wrote:...
She will embody this straitjacket sensation
And exemplify everything .
We could never quite grasp-
...

Why dash?

Babanuuk wrote:...
But what we got was
The lullaby of a lunatic who
...

Who should be in the next verse, it sounds better like that.

Babanuuk wrote:One blood,
One mind.
We are
Everyone
And We are
no one....

Consistency. If you ddecide to put a comma behind the "and" do it through the whole poem, and if you don't want to-don't.

Babanuuk wrote:We live.
We love.
We are alone.

Great!

You're my hero! And you're also the first person here to whom I said something like that.
I explained to you what bothered me in your poem already so I can only say something about the caps. Verses aren't lines and sentences and a new verse isn't a beginning of a sentence so the caps should be properly placed. oKaY? Other than that, I liked your poem a lot!

by **M. Joan** on Sat Jul 04, 2009 1:36 am

I know this poem means something to you, something that no one else that reads this poem will understand, and that is why I absolutely think this is genius.

-M.

Donate · by **dogs** on Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:00 pm

hey this is dogs,

I really think poem, i really like how it flows and it sounds absolutly great. i don't have very much to add to this, but i would like to say that it is inspiring, soothing, lovely, any word you can find to describe as good.

however i don't get the last stanza when you say "we live we love we are alone" ???? why are you alone??i think that that is a bad ending and needs fixing. it defies the entire poem!!! i mean you are writing and saying how you are guiding him through this dream land and how you guys love. and then you say "we are alone" it makes it fall short for me. you need to end on a something more happy or joyful.

apart from that one line, i truely love this poem and i think that there isn't much to add. darko coverd all of the spelling issues. sooooooooooooo just continue working "D =D

TuckEr EllsworTh

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