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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 5, 2005
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Prologue

Creative Prologue (For Fun?) (R for graphic violence)

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:18 am    Post subject: Creative Prologue (For Fun?) (R for graphic violence) Reply with quote

Prologue: The End.

A dark cloud covered the battlefield. The elves stood in formation, their shiny armor and elegant weapons were visible even from the mountain that Syphial was on. Around him was the 1st Aerial Assault Company, the fiercest gryphons he had ever flown with. All of them were watching the forest across from the elves. It came slowly, but when it did it was a sight that made Syphial's stomach twist into knots. The dark forces had arrived. Orcs by the hundreds, with some tribes of Dark Elves. Syphial turned to the Company.

"Noble flyer's, today we will defeat all evil on Earth by wiping out the Orcs and Dark Elves forever. I have personally met with General Takkar of the High Elves and we have come to this strategy. The Elves will launch a preparatory bombardment. After this, they will charge. This is where we come in. We'll fly behind the enemy lines and kill General Haalth. This will confuse the enemy until the elves can reach us. Is there any questions?" He looked around. There were no questions.

"Good luck and may we all fly into better winds," he said. The other gryphons nodded grimly. A signal arrow announced the first shot in the preparatory bombardment.

"Let's GO!" Syphial shrieked. The gryphons ran off the cliff and spread their wings. In seconds they were skimming along the trees. The arrows were still flying, it was a solid mass of arrow shafts over the battlefield from both directions. We turned and came back towards the elves. A second signal arrow was fired, helping us get directly behind the enemy.

Syphial came over the top of the trees, and saw the command tent. He went into a dive and nailed the tent. He cut through the canvas with his talons. The guards inside were caught looking the other way, Syphial killed them quickly and sent a dagger into General Haalth. The rest of the Command staff was torn apart as the rest of Syphial's lance appeared, mauling them with their talons.

They exited the bloodied tent, to find the rest of the company engaging the Dark Elves. The enemy was reacting quickly as a second front was formed in the enemy rear. Where were the elves? Syphial looked across the battlefield, to see the elves still in formation and not moving. The signalmen of the elves stood motionless.

Then the elves launched another volley of arrows. The arrows fell killing indiscriminately. Then they charged. All hell broke loose as the Dark Army was caught in a pincer movement. The nimble elves plowed through the orcs, as Syphial's Gryphons fought to survive. The battle was almost over, a thin line of orcs was all that separated the elves from him. The final orcs were killed quickly. It was over.

The elves rushed over, arms wide open, and smiles on their faces. In a single second the situation changed. The Elvish archers suddenly had their bows loaded and leveled at the gryphons. The hands of the embracing elves suddenly had knives in them. There was no time for a shout, not that one was necessary. The gryphons charged just as the first volley impacted against them. The arrows had barely impacted when the elves jumped on the gryphons and began stabbing them. Syphial turned and saw one of his buddies get hacked in half by the elves, the front half was still trying to kill the elf it was clenching in it's talons. Syphial turned and saw one of the younger gryphons behind him.

"FLY!" Syphial shrieked. Syphial realized what he had to do. Still screaming, he opened his wings and jumped, charging the elves. Then the second volley hit. Seven arrows turned Syphial into a pin cushion. He still fought, finally succumbing to 12 arrows and numerous stab wounds. He looked skyward, the young gryphon was just a blot in the sky. He stared as long as he could, before the sky went black.

Chapter One: The Beginning.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thing..

Quote:
"Is there any questions,"


should be "Are there any questions?"

Also, you have a few perspective errors--for the most part, you use a third person view of the battlefield; however, in these sentences:

Quote:
We turned and came back towards the elves. A second signal arrow was fired, helping us get directly behind the enemy.


You have the pronouns "we," and "us," which imply the first person perspective. Choose a perspective and stay there, for this just confuses things.

Thirdly, I was impossibly confused by who was taking part in the battle. When I picture Gryphons, I picture half lion, half eagel. Is this not what you are using? Because you have them speaking in common, not implying they are using ther same language, they use weapons, which would be difficult considering gryphons do not have hands...I'm very confused. You should consider putting in much more description of the races, because you have no info at all on any of them--your readers would have to be asumed to know all about the races in the story...

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Prologue: The End.


OMG! THE SHORTEST STORY! AWESOME!

Er... yeah.

Get rid of the army talk. It just doesn't fit.

Gryphons are so friggin' awesome that they don't need weapons. They are a weapon by themselves.

Change the name of General Takkar. Now.

Otherwise...

Once again, you have written a prologue that, though standing alone, doesn't quite make it. At all. Prologues are supposed to make you go, "OMG! I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THIS! CHAPTER ONE, HERE I COME!" This doesn't quite make it. It's more like, "Um... this is sort of interesting, but I don't really want to read it because the author seems to be really confusing.

I don't know.

Perhaps, if I've seen the next chapter, I can tell you whether this is good or not, but so far... not really cool. Razz

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agreed, Snoink; the military terminaology does seem to take away from the fantasy element of the story...

Hunter--also agreed. Gryphons, mythologically, did not have hands and therefore would not use weapons...

These two seem to have covered this prologue pretty well, leaving me with nothing but agreements and redundancies.

Sorry!

Overall an interesting introduction to a story. Those darn elves, can't ever trust them, can you?

--Q

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wonder why takkar has to be changed...

Anyway, my feelings are the same as Hunter and Snoink.
Other issues that they did not express are as follows:

To much repetition of the word "elf" or "elves" in a paragraph. There was one paragraph in particular where every other word seemed to be "elf" or "elves" and it was rather annoying.
Also, elves are good by nature. It takes A LOT of magic and torture to turn them into dark elfs or make them even remotely evil, so I find the whole plot to be unrealistic.
Also, more description is required. I got a sense of what the battle looked like, but not the area.

Other notes:

I find the "war talk" to be interesting and needed in the story.
The names of all of your characters are extremely cool.
The concept of gryphons holding weapons is refreshing, just make it more realistic... a gryphon is not going to be holding a dagger... equip that SOB with a giant halberd, or double bladed staff, then send him into action.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is possible for any creature to have any weapon. The only caveat to this is that the grip needs to be changed to fit the hands (or in this case, talons.)

Alos, giant halberds are very hard to carry, and a double bladed staff doesn't kill efficently.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Griffinkeeper wrote:
It is possible for any creature to have any weapon. The only caveat to this is that the grip needs to be changed to fit the hands (or in this case, talons.)

Alos, giant halberds are very hard to carry, and a double bladed staff doesn't kill efficently.


Less efficently than an oversized dagger?

Sorry, but the only weapons I can visualize on a gryphon is something rather large.
You know, something to show off their beast-like strength.
A dagger with an oversized hilt is more comical.

Maybe a specialized, never thought of before, made for gryphon combat weapon?
Draw a picture Smile

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