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The Deadly Combination


The Deadly Combination

Postby lozzen on Thu Jul 02, 2009 7:33 pm

Hi, i haven't posted anything in a while so i thought i could post this. I wrote it a while back for some assignment in english. I kept adding to it and over time this is what became of it so i hope you enjoy it and any feed back would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Its quite long.  

 

 

Early morning rays of daylight broke through the plump white clouds and the auburn leaves, stretching out finger-like tendrils to stroke the ever changing landscape. I felt my dream of chasing many snowy tails through fields of gold, slip away from me as reality grasped my furry paws. Wearily, I blinked open my maroon eyes to feast them on the earthy den that was my home. Rustily, I got to my feet and stretched from my liquorish black nose to my candy-floss, white-tipped tail. I was a handsome fellow, my snout was broad and strong, whisker's longer than a cat's, my russet fur was as soft as untouched snow in winter but as warm and red as the sun, setting in the autumn sky.  

The scent of rabbit roused me from my musings and I swiftly exited my home. A slight breeze ruffled my fur and caught my whiskers, pointing me in the direction of my prey. Through the brush I went, stalking forwards, almost noiselessly, until I saw a minuscule movement to my right. Stopping dead, I peered through the grass and nettles until I saw what had caused the disturbance and what was soon to become my prey. I contained the power in my body, waiting for the perfect moment in which to strike. Shifting my weight, preparing to pounce when suddenly the wind changed direction, blowing towards my prey. I leapt. Too late. The rabbit was prepared and sped away through the undergrowth. Dream becoming reality, I chased the furry thing through the trunk filled maze until, finally, I caught up. I was merciful and made it quick, plus I was hungry. I wolfed down my breakfast, leaving no scraps for the birds. Afterwards, feeling full and content I padded down to the small stream that wondered leisurely through the wood and slurped up the icy liquid. The pleasant feeling of fluid running down my throat was short lived as dread filled my body. I pricked my ears, straining to hear it again. The faint sound of death whispered in my ear for the second time. There was no mistaking it. They are coming.  

 

Blood no longer flowed through my veins, instead, exhilaration, power and determination pumped through my body to my many ample muscles. Overhead, one of my masters on a large bay horse, sounded the horn twice, we easily recognised the signal. Tail raised high, I plunged into the forest, signalling the beginning of my sport. My brothers and sisters raced along beside me, howling all the way. I added my voice to the cacophony, letting all my current emotions pour out. We knew where we were going, we could smell him clearly. We had waited for this moment for a while now. He won't get away. The scent was getting stronger, not far now. We are coming.  

 

My fear was imminent. I could hear their pounding paws now but they were still too far away to be seen. That lone thought comforted me, gave me a slither of hope that somehow, maybe, I would come out of this alive. Streaking past bracken and bramble, I cared not where I went, as long as it was far away from the ever approaching danger. The voice of death grew louder, Panic. I was going flat out but it still wasn't fast enough. My energy was draining, I couldn't last much longer, that I apparent. Terror clamped my heart like iron fangs and I stumbled over a rock. Leaping back to my feet I realised my slight fall had cost me dearly. I could Distinctly see the tails of the devils speeding towards me. I put on a spurt of speed but now I realised that it was too late. My fate was set. I would die today. Ramming through the fringe of the trees (I hadn't realised how far I had come), I sprang onto a smooth surface. Before taking another step something large and hard crashed into my side. I was no more than a rag doll, tossed in the air by the force of it and coming to a rest a few metres away. A second or two of silence passed by. Auburn eyes squinted open. Pain surged through my body. I couldn't move, but I had to, they were nearly upon me. Whining with agony, I struggled and managed to heave my upper body up, my back legs, however wouldn't move and soon the pain overwhelmed me and I sank back to the ground. The dogs crashed through the hedge like a tidal wave. There was a split second of pain, then blackness swept over me and I moved no more.  

 

My life was extinguished at that moment. The car had broken both back legs in numerous places. Soon afterwards the hounds had come. They had clamped their filthy jaws around my once majestic head and neck, killing me instantly. At least it was quick. And what of the driver I hear you ask? Well, after he had checked his vehicle for damage, and once the path was clear of hounds and my carcass, he went on his way without a backward glance. What more could you expect from man? Man and his best friend, a deadly combination for the noble fox.

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Postby Hawkie on Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:50 pm

Hello, hello! I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewin you to-day.

This was a creative idea. I liked the description of the terror and panic in the fox's mind as he is being chased by the hounds. You could probably cut down the beginning so that it starts closer to, or even during, the chase; doing so would probably produce a better hook and immerse the reader in the action much quicker.

You switched viewpoints without warning or indication in paragraph 4, a big no-no. Change that, or cut it out altogether. We don't really need to see the dogs' POV; limiting it to the fox would be a good idea.

There were some grammar mistakes but I'll let that slide today. Check for commas where they aren't needed (or where they're missing).

I would also suggest using more line breaks to create the feeling of panic and action.

I loved the ending. Brief, concise, and powerful.
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