Login  •  Register



The Storybooks area now has its own section! Look for it under Read / Write.

The Writer's Corner has now been moved to the Community Area.

Summer's Renewal

   Topic ID: 50209
   Likes: 1
< Return to Lyric Poetry


Summer's Renewal

Postby piepiemann22 on Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:47 am

What can wash away shadows grip?

Am I left to die in eternity?
Has everything I’ve done been forgotten?
Will anyone remember me?

Autumn’s breeze cuts thy skin,
Winter’s kiss chills thy bone,
And spring’s storms erode thy soul.
Non of which can release thine grip.

I hear no voices,
I see no light,
And I can no longer feel your touch.
For now, I wander alone.

My pen has fallen,
Everything I had has been erased,
And my slate has been whipped clean.
My work is now gone.

No longer can I see your face,
All thoughts have been clouded,
And my will has gone.
Memories of my life now fade.

An empty parking lot is all that remains.
Autumn’s breeze now gone
And winter’s kiss long past.
Spring’s storms have now fallen.

I stand atop the water,
And look down upon the world.
A reflection of what is,
And a sign for the future to come.

I look out now as seasons change.
A warm glow begins to shine,
Heavens rays doth engulf me,
With new visions that appear.

The warmth washes away thine grip,
No longer do I stand alone in eternity,
New work signals new opportunities,
And past becomes future memories.

At last morning’s glow hath come.
At last I am born a new.
A chance at redemption,
And another chance at life.

Where once there was but one car
Now stand a million.
The old reflection has changed,
And my days have just begun.

My sins have been forgiven,
My suffering has now ended.
Lords faith has rewarding,
His gift now thrown upon me.

No longer to I feel pain,
For seasons change to I owe.
I shall forever be grateful
To summer’s renewal.
Apple pie or cherry pie? That is the question.
piepiemann22
And The Clock Keeps Turning
User avatar
Reviews: 183
183
 
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Location: USA
Posts: 1527
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:18 pm
Blog: View Blog (3)
 
Badges:
1001 Posts

Postby Demeter on Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:22 am

Hi, Piepie! I saw this had no reviews yet, so I wanted to give it a try. :)


What can wash away shadows grip?

Am I left to die in eternity?

Has everything I’ve done been forgotten?

Will anyone remember me?


When starting like this with questions, keep in mind that readers are probably expecting to have the answers before the poem ends. Also, you have to be careful with the beginning, because to me overly questioning just make it seem a bit emo, if you will.
Also, I think the "shadows" is supposed to have an apostrophe.


None of which can release thine grip.



Where once there was but one car

Now stand a million.

The old reflection has changed,

And my days have just begun.


This stanza feels unfortunately a little out of place to me. Its rhythm is slightly off, and it doesn't seem to interact with the rest of the poem as well as the other stanzas.


I like the way you carried the seasons throughout the poem, it collects the whole thing together even after a few slips off-track. ;) I'm sorry this review is so short, when you clearly had lots to give, but my time is ending. If you want, I can come back later and chew the poem more. In fact, that's what I might do, I feel horrible to leave it like this. If I'm not back, say, in a few days, you'll be welcome to give me a reminder. :)

See you later!


Demeter
xxx
Ceci n'est pas une signature.

Got YWS?
Demeter
la vie en rose
User avatar
Reviews: 537
537
 
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Location: Area 51
Posts: 2722
Points: 15467 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 2:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (163)
 
Badges:
Reviewer 1GreeterReviewer 21001 Posts


< Return to Lyric Poetry

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests