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Glasses Without Reader.


Glasses Without Reader.

Postby Lemon on Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:13 pm

Stale, black reading glasses

Lay vague upon the table
Missing the sweet warmth of their owner
And the fresh oceanic eyes.

How the bulky lenses
Sat delicately on the bridge.
Thick eyelashes brushed against them
Like waves onto rocks.

But still as stone, they stay
Fingerprints dwell on the rim
Like a pale, misty shadow,
Covering the bright sparkle of eyes once.

The dark plastic once pressed softly
Against the temples,
That beat as the wings of a seabird
And where often moist from salty droplets of sweat.

But now,
Abandonment takes it's place.
Story without meaning,
Glasses without reader.
Last edited by Lemon on Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Adnamarine on Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:38 am

Hi! First, welcome to YWS! =)

Stale, black reading glasses
Lay vague upon the table <-- you need some punctuation at the end of this line
Missing the sweet warmth of their owner
And the fresh oceanic eyes. <-- I like that description

How the bulky lenses
Sit delicately on the bridge. <-- Shouldn't it be "sat"? This is the past, right? Because they don't have the reader anymore
Thick eyelashes brush against them <-- Again, shouldn't it be past tense? "Brushed"?
Like waves onto rocks.

Bit still, as stone, they stay <-- Leaving out that word at the beginning doesn't really work... at least in my opinion. I just don't see the reason that you left it out. I'd put an "A" at the beginning there.
You need punctuation at the end of that line.

Fingerprints linger on the rim <-- I don't think linger is quite the right word. The fingerprints could only go if they were wiped off. The word "linger" suggests an action by the fingerprints. A word like "dwell" might be more fitting, since it has a more permanent feel. Linger makes it seem like they could disappear at any point, which they couldn't without someone to wipe them off.
Like a pale, misty shadow <-- I would put a comma at the end of this line
Covering where the bright sparkle of eyes once were. <-- It should be "was". "Sparkle" is singular.

The dark plastic once pressed softly
Against the temple,
Beating as the wings of a seabird <-- I don't quite see what this line is describing. The part of the rim that presses against the forehead wouldn't be beating like wings. Maybe the pieces that go over the ears, but that isn't what you were describing here. So I don't really get this line.
Often moist from salty droplets of sweat.

But it's all gone. <-- You've been implying this throughout the entire poem. This line just states the obvious, so it's superfluous.
An empty ocean. <-- I wonder if "blank" is a word that would fit well here. Because you described the eyes like an ocean, so without the eyes the glasses are... ocean-less. So, technically you probably shouldn't use ocean to describe the glasses when you used it for the eyes, but if you changed the word to "blank" instead of "empty" I think it would fix that.
Fish without fins, Shark without teeth, Dolphin without tail, <-- I have to be honest, I really don't like this line. The analogies strike me as a little... cheesy, they sound like something you find in a silly poem, which isn't how I would define this poem. So, I think you could do better.
Glasses without reader. <-- I do like how you had a list of analogies sort of climaxing to this one which summarizes the entire poem. So I'd like it if you still had that series of analogies, just different ones; and then still kept this line here. I think it works well.

This has a different kind of subject. It's refreshing to find poems that aren't about being angry, or broken-up couples, being in love, or something like that. Not that those poems can't ever be written well, but there are just so many of them. So kudos to you for the subject.
And, considering that what your poem is about is a pair of glasses, I think you pulled it off quite well. A pair of glasses is a simple object, which on the surface doesn't appear to have any depths to explore. This isn't what I'd call an especially deep poem, but it does have emotion, a bit of nostalgia. So, good job. =)

-Adna
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Postby Eraqio on Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:00 am

Very well done.

Reminds me of a poem...Tea I think... I forgot who wrote it, but it was very personal yet distant and descriptive.

I loved this piece, honestly.

You did a very good job with the abstract concepts and comparisons, very vivid.

I'd just fix your pacing up a bit on a few parts but other than that this was almost completely perfect.

I loved the nostalgic feel that could be given to the glasses themselves, with the epic descriptions in comparison with everything in the end, the glasses could be seen as lonely and longing.

Definately A star.

Its a trend today, so far no one I've reviewed has dissapointed me.

Exe's and Oh's,
Eraqio.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.
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Postby nixonblitzen on Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:23 pm

Hi, Lemon! Welcome. This poem is a diamond in the rough, especially from a new member. I look forward to more from you!

Missing the sweet warmth of their owner

And the fresh oceanic eyes.
I think it would be nice if you gave the owner a gender by using "his" or "her" instead of "the". But I understand if you kept it ambiguous on purpose.

How the bulky lenses

Sit delicately on the bridge.

Thick eyelashes brush against them

Like waves onto rocks.
I agree with Adnamarine about the tenses here.

Bit still, as stone, they stay
Is this a typo? Adnamarine read it as "a bit still", but I read it as "but still". I don't think you need the comma after "still".

Covering where the bright sparkle of eyes once were.
I think this phrase is worded awkwardly.

The dark plastic once pressed softly

Against the temple,
This is really nitpicky, but I would make this "temples". You almost never hear about that body part by itself, but in a pair.

Fish without fins, Shark without teeth, Dolphin without tail,
I agree with Adnamarine. The whole poem is going along with subtlety and maturity, and here, suddenly, it feels like a fourth grader wrote it.

Really good poem. The descriptions were original and interesting. Great work.
-Rachel
"He found his voice tended either to disappear or to come out too loud." -William Golding
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Postby Mandorelute on Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:05 pm

Greetings,

I like this. But before I go on, I disagree with everybody on the sits/sat thing.
Most grammar and spelling, which are truly a boon, have been taught as law and rule in the last several decades, which is a shame because a lot of it is theoretical. 'Sits' may be an unclear way to communicate in daily speech; but within the context of writing, especially poetry, one has infinite more freedom in language. I liked 'sits' because it makes tangible a memory that cherishes certain details. Also, after that stanza, the poem reverts back to past tense.

Lemon, I think you broke your lines well here in this piece. It reads well.
Also, the language isn't too flowery; the person described by negative space and absence isn't portrayed as perfect. They have oily fingers, get colds, their scent of their breath might often be far less than fair; but affection and a 'missing of' is clearly communicated. The reader does not know why the person is gone, it could be death, travel, or simply any form of relationship on the rocks, but even with the missing information, the poem is complete.

I found myself missing and appreciating the person too.
Lovely and well done.
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"She tastes lyke raiyn
and sumtimes kiwi-fruit;
and wunce...
she tasted lyke a pen-ny." <3
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