by Adnamarine on Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:38 am
Hi! First, welcome to YWS! =)
Stale, black reading glasses
Lay vague upon the table <-- you need some punctuation at the end of this line
Missing the sweet warmth of their owner
And the fresh oceanic eyes. <-- I like that description
How the bulky lenses
Sit delicately on the bridge. <-- Shouldn't it be "sat"? This is the past, right? Because they don't have the reader anymore
Thick eyelashes brush against them <-- Again, shouldn't it be past tense? "Brushed"?
Like waves onto rocks.
Bit still, as stone, they stay <-- Leaving out that word at the beginning doesn't really work... at least in my opinion. I just don't see the reason that you left it out. I'd put an "A" at the beginning there.
You need punctuation at the end of that line.
Fingerprints linger on the rim <-- I don't think linger is quite the right word. The fingerprints could only go if they were wiped off. The word "linger" suggests an action by the fingerprints. A word like "dwell" might be more fitting, since it has a more permanent feel. Linger makes it seem like they could disappear at any point, which they couldn't without someone to wipe them off.
Like a pale, misty shadow <-- I would put a comma at the end of this line
Covering where the bright sparkle of eyes once were. <-- It should be "was". "Sparkle" is singular.
The dark plastic once pressed softly
Against the temple,
Beating as the wings of a seabird <-- I don't quite see what this line is describing. The part of the rim that presses against the forehead wouldn't be beating like wings. Maybe the pieces that go over the ears, but that isn't what you were describing here. So I don't really get this line.
Often moist from salty droplets of sweat.
But it's all gone. <-- You've been implying this throughout the entire poem. This line just states the obvious, so it's superfluous.
An empty ocean. <-- I wonder if "blank" is a word that would fit well here. Because you described the eyes like an ocean, so without the eyes the glasses are... ocean-less. So, technically you probably shouldn't use ocean to describe the glasses when you used it for the eyes, but if you changed the word to "blank" instead of "empty" I think it would fix that.
Fish without fins, Shark without teeth, Dolphin without tail, <-- I have to be honest, I really don't like this line. The analogies strike me as a little... cheesy, they sound like something you find in a silly poem, which isn't how I would define this poem. So, I think you could do better.
Glasses without reader. <-- I do like how you had a list of analogies sort of climaxing to this one which summarizes the entire poem. So I'd like it if you still had that series of analogies, just different ones; and then still kept this line here. I think it works well.
This has a different kind of subject. It's refreshing to find poems that aren't about being angry, or broken-up couples, being in love, or something like that. Not that those poems can't ever be written well, but there are just so many of them. So kudos to you for the subject.
And, considering that what your poem is about is a pair of glasses, I think you pulled it off quite well. A pair of glasses is a simple object, which on the surface doesn't appear to have any depths to explore. This isn't what I'd call an especially deep poem, but it does have emotion, a bit of nostalgia. So, good job. =)
-Adna
"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die."
If writing was a crime and your life was investigated, would there be enough evidence to convict you?