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Dreams Really Do Come True…Kinda


Dreams Really Do Come True…Kinda

Postby JabberHut on Sun Jun 21, 2009 3:37 am

Dreams Really Do Come True…Kinda  

 

“I’m so excited for this, Cally,” Lin said, admiring her new heavy-bound book. “Fairytales: The Cliché. Everyone needs a cliché once in a while, I always say. Right, Cally? Er… Cally?”  

 

She looked down by her feet, but the orange tabby wasn’t there as she usually was. Lin giggled and shook her head. “Not again, Cally! Where are you?” She checked the nearest rosebush for her dear friend. The sunlight blanketed Anglo Park with its brilliant light, easing Lin’s search. The girl bent over the small hedge by the path in case her friend was in the midst of trees. Instead, a bunch of butterflies flew past her face, the soft woosh! of their wings flying past her ears as if she were Snow White. She giggled again and continued calling out Cally’s name.  

 

Eventually, she found her friend creeping toward a huge tree at the corner of the castle ruins. Cally’s green eyes peered up into the tree, her tail bopping from one side to the other. Lin looked into the branches and saw a squirrel admiring its fidgety hands. Shaking her head and smiling, Lin folded her arms and watched the tiny lion. At once, she pounced onto the tree and struggled to climb up to the branch. The squirrel seemed to mock Cally as it watched her claw off the bark then run off.  

 

Lin giggled. “Oh, Cally…” She lifted the tabby into her open arm. “Leave the poor thing alone. It’s got enough to worry about as it is. Well, this does seem to be a nice spot for a bit of light reading,” she added, admiring the view of the ruins.  

 

It felt like standing around Stonehenge, surrounded by such an old structure with a sacred aura about it. She sat down against the tree, staring at the castle and daydreaming. “I love fantasy….Well, let’s take a look at our first story, Cally.”  

 

Lin opened the heavy-bound book and turned the pages to the first story: The Poison Apple.  

 

“Oh, one of my favorites…” Lin said with a light chuckle. “When I die, the first thing I want to see after I wake up is my Prince Charming smacking one on me.” She nodded, and then she looked up to the castle ruins. “A house full of dwarves wouldn’t be bad either…doing my chores and all…. Well, Cally.” She looked back to the book. “What do you say I start reading some snippets in this book?”  

 

Cally curled up in Lin’s lap, scratching herself with the corner of the cover. Lin shook her head with a smile and tried to read over her cat’s movements. “ ‘Once upon a time…’ and of course, we start with that…”  

 

“Oh, Cally,” Snow Lin said with a sigh, watering the castle gardens. “You would think after sixteen years, I’d make my own decisions like…like which chore to do first! Or…well, you know what I mean, Cally. Only you seem to understand.”  

The orange tabby, who was originally about to pounce on a dove, froze and looked at Snow Lin from the corner of its large eyes. She backed off and sat properly on the windowsill as innocent as any other mini tiger would.  

Snow Lin looked to her bucket of water, shook her head, and dumped it all on the sidewalk, sending the flock of doves flying. “I never had a green thumb,” she said. Swinging the bucket in her hand, she wandered to the well not too far away and hooked the pail on the rope. “I really could use a wish-come-true right now too…” She peered down the well as the bucket lowered further and further.  

“I wish my prince will come today,” Snow Lin said half-dully and half-wishfully.  

I wish my prince will come today, responded the well.  

Cally and the doves jumped at the echo. Snow Lin caught the tabby before she tumbled inside from her terrible case of curiosity. “All you have to do is make a wish into the well, and if you hear it echoing, your wish will come true. Try it, Cally.” She set the tabby back on the edge; Cally looked up at Snow Lin like she was insane.  

“How beautiful,” said a low voice.  

Snow Lin jerked up and turned around, but no one was there. She looked to Cally, but the tabby was searching just as much as she was. “Perhaps that was just an echo,” Snow Lin said. “Did you make a wish all ready, Cally?”  

The cat meowed this time. Snow Lin’s brow scrunched up, but she still laughed. “Well, then. We can just continue our chores—”  

“Wait, fair maiden!” Snow Lin picked up the now-full pail of water before looking up into the empty castle. “Please, I’m right here. Don’t go.”  

 

“I’m over here!”  

 

Lin looked up for the disrupting voice; Cally jumped from her curled-up position. A few boys were playing Frisbee not too far away. One of them was running toward Lin and Cally, holding his arms out to catch. Lin held her cat close as the disc flew towards them—  

 

—and was caught by the boy.  

 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” the boy said, windswept from the catch. His eyes darted from the cat to the book and finally to Lin. “Are you out here reading?”  

 

“Yes, we are,” Lin said lightly, calming Cally down by combing her back, “and we would very much appreciate it if you took your gaming somewhere else so we weren’t in danger of getting hit.”  

 

The boy puffed out his chest, mimicking a stereotypical Englishman. “I suppose I could arrange such a task.” His voice seemed to have dropped two octaves.  

 

She giggled, “Thank you very much, kind sir. I’m Lin White, and you are…?”  

 

“Busy,” he said, smirking. It’s not every day you meet someone who introduces themselves at the park for no apparent reason. “I’ll just be…over there…. Yeah, I’ll see you.” He ran off.  

 

Lin smiled and shook her head. “Boys…. Well, Cally. Let’s see here…. Oh, boy! The Glass Slipper. I wonder what story that could be,” she added with a giggle. She peered up at the castle ruins. “I bet this castle looked just like the one in this story. And the staircase…” She stood up and wandered into the ruins. “The staircase was probably right here, where the glass slipper would have been left. It’s a beautiful story, Cally.” She sat down against a piece of the supposed-staircase and opened the book to The Glass Slipper.  

 

“Oh, it’s lovely, everyone!” Cinderellin said, twirling in her new ball gown. Now she can go to the ball, and her stepmother couldn’t do anything about it! Cinderellin couldn’t begin to describe how much she appreciated this. She looked down at the mice, birds, and Cally staring up eagerly at her. “Thank you, guys, so much! This is gorgeous!”  

Cally tugged at the hem of her dress in the direction of the door. Noticing Cally’s intentions, Cinderellin hiked up her dress and rushed to the door, saying, “Oh, yes! They’re about to leave! Thank you, Cally!”  

Little did she know that Cally slipped out of the room after her. The orange tabby didn’t clean her fur for nothing.  

“Wait! Wait, I’m here!”  

As Cinderellin ran down the stairs, her two stepsisters and stepmother halted in front of the opened front door. Their jaws dropped at the sight of her gorgeous pink gown, sparkled and glittered like none of theirs.  

“Mother, no! You can’t let her go!”  

“She doesn’t belong there, Mother! She’ll ruin everything!”  

“Girls. Girls! She can come. She did all this work, and she still got this far—Oh, wait. Isn’t that...your necklace, dear?”  

Things went downhill from there. The two sisters charged at Cinderellin, tearing off their sash, jewelry, and other fabrics that were originally theirs until finally Cinderellin was able to escape to the garden for a good cry. The carriage left the manor in the distance, leaving Cinderellin shut up at home once again.  

 

Lin gasped. “The fairy godmother! Gah, she’s so amazing. She makes me laugh.” She turned to Cally curled up in her lap, said, “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!” and batted her on the nose.  

 

Picking up her cat, Lin stood up and danced with her “Prince Charming” around the castle ruins. Cally couldn’t take it and meowed louder than she normally did—close to a shriek. Lin stopped and laughed harder, hugging her tabby close and apologizing.  

 

“Sorry, Cally. I just love that story! It’s so pretty, especially the ending. Oh, and the ball always gave me goose bumps—”  

 

A Frisbee flew into the middle of the ruins and passed Lin into the back near the staircase. Lin smiled and shook her head as the boy she met earlier ran up to the ruins. She said hi as he ran past, but he didn’t say anything for a few minutes.  

 

“Well, Cally—” Lin stifled a yawn at this point. “I’m getting bushed. Why don’t I read one more, and then we can head home. Sound good?”  

 

Cally brushed underneath Lin’s chin before the girl put down her tabby.  

 

“Hey, um…Lin!”  

 

Lin looked up and saw the boy running toward her with the heavy-bound book in one hand and the Frisbee in the other. “This is yours, I think. It was sitting over there on some rocks, and I almost tripped over it.”  

 

“Oh, sorry about that!” Lin said, flushing slightly. She held the book tight to her chest, giggling. “I can be a bit forgetful at times. Thanks for not tripping over it and saving its life.”  

 

“Heh, no problem. Well, I’ll see you around still.”  

 

He ran off before Lin could say another word. Lin giggled, which stifled another yawn in the making. “Well, Cally,” Lin said, smiling. “Let’s take a look at that one last story before we leave.” She flipped a few pages until she found where they left off. The Golden Spindle.  

 

“Oh, goodness, this is the most beautiful story!” Lin said, getting excited. She walked over to the corner of the castle ruins, close to where they were originally sitting. It could very well have been a tower, since fantasy castles always had towers at their corners. “Well, now…. ‘Once upon a time’ again…”  

 

“I love him, Cally,” Roselin whispered. “Now I’ll never see him again.” She breathed heavily, keeping from sobbing as she spoke. “Oh, why…”  

The room was silent except for Roselin’s crying. Cally’s company hardly did anything but allow her to talk about it. The orange tabby curled up next to Roselin’s arms so her warm fur would somewhat comfort Roselin.  

A green light emanated from across the room. Cally jumped up as Roselin slowly sat up in the direction of the glow, her gaze hypnotic. There was no twitch of the lip or blink of the eye. Cally’s meows couldn’t reach her either as she stood up. She began walking toward the fireplace where the green light came from; Cally jumped down from the desk and followed her catlike.  

Roselin’s journey took some time; Cally wondered what pulled her along like that. No one was saying anything to encourage her, but something mesmerized her. Whatever it was, Roselin stopped in front of a spindle by the end of her trip, and Cally meowed louder than she had ever meowed.  

Roselin didn’t move.  

Well, except for her trance.  

Cally tugged on her dress as Roselin lifted her finger before the spindle—  

 

—but Lin didn’t move. She was sound asleep, and only Cally would know how much of a heavy sleeper she is (except for maybe Lin’s mother). Cally made a small cry for the girl, but instead of the girl’s attention, the boy answered.  

 

“What in the…?”  

 

The boy nudged Lin with his toe, Frisbee in hand. He laughed. “Is she really sleeping—? I’m talking to a cat,” he muttered, rolling his eyes, then his eyes widened with frustration. “And I’m talking to myself! That’s good.”  

 

His eyes fell upon the book she held. “Fairytales…. What’re you guys reading, eh, tiger?” he asked as he knelt down, patting Cally on the head. “The Golden Spindle. What’s that, Sleeping Beauty? Who wrote fairytales again? A couple grim brothers. Can’t remember their names for the life—oh, these aren’t by them. Oma White? Who’s Oma White?”  

 

The cat nudged Lin’s arm and looked up at the boy.  

 

“Lin White… Are they related?” The cat blinked. “That might explain the name. Roselin?” He chuckled. “Well, I gotta get home. Hopefully she’ll wake up soon, tiger.” Then his brow scrunched. “Why are you even out here? I’ve never heard of someone walking their cat. That’s kinda…”  

“…cliché?” Lin muttered, peering through one opened eye.  

 

“Er…sure,” the boy said, shrugging. “I was just about to leave. Glad to see you’re awake. I think tiger wants to go home.”  

 

“I told her we’d leave after this story,” Lin said, scratching Cally behind the ears. “Guess I took a break and dozed off.”  

 

“Yeah, well… we all need a break. Speaking of which, I have home to get to.” He stood up.  

Lin closed her book, getting ready to stand as well when the boy held out his hand. Lin took it and stood with his help. “Thanks,” she said, smiling. “What’s your name, by the way? It’s hard to believe that it really could be Busy.” She giggled.  

 

“Oh, no, haha.” He scratched the back of his neck, and they walked through the castle. “Name’s Charles. Charles Prince.”

"Hark! What light through yonder hut breaks? It is the East...it is the Jabberhut." -- Shay

"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz

"Jabber and the Chipmunks would be SUCH a better movie than Alvin and the Chipmunks." -- Bär Boy
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Postby yellowsun on Sun Jun 21, 2009 7:50 am

Hey there!

nice story. I could definitely feel it's like a fairytale of some sort.
I didn't get the italized paragraphs at first but now i do. Anyway,
there's not much mistakes in your story so keep writing!

:)
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Postby Miss Ching on Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:11 pm

Hey! I thought your story was really creative what with the "Lin Snow" and "Charles Prince" haha. But the setting of the story is somewhat confusing. I think, though, that if the whole story was tied with an overall plot, it would be far more interesting.
But good job overall grammatically. There weren't any mistakes there (or at least none that I caught).
:)
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Postby Rosey Unicorn on Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:36 am

Hiya!

She checked the nearest rosebush for her dear friend. [...] the path in case her friend was in the midst of trees. [...] Eventually, she found her friend creeping


"Her friend" is a little repetitive here. You use it more often than "Cally" to refer to the cat.

The sunlight blanketed Anglo Park with its brilliant light, easing Lin’s search. The girl bent over the small hedge by the path in case her friend was in the midst of trees. Instead, a bunch of butterflies flew past her face, the soft woosh! of their wings flying past her ears as if she were Snow White.


Cute and cliched description here, however it doesn't follow the rest of the work! Make some excuses to put this style of description later on. Specifically after the Cinderella story.

It felt like standing around Stonehenge, surrounded by such an old structure with a sacred aura about it.


"Stonehenge" here doesn't seem to fit. It's a nice metaphor, but it doesn't really fit with the fairy-tale theme. (In my opinion)

windowsill as innocent as any other mini tiger would.


Is Cally a mini tiger or a mini lion? You've called her both so far.

Snow Lin looked to her bucket of water, shook her head, and dumped it all on the sidewalk, sending the flock of doves flying.


I find this sentence a bit on the long side. You can break it up since it's a three-item list.

She set the tabby back on the edge; Cally looked up at Snow Lin like she was insane.


Probably the funniest line here. L.O.L.

“Wait, fair maiden!” Snow Lin picked up the now-full pail of water before looking up into the empty castle. “Please, I’m right here. Don’t go.”

“I’m over here!”


This little shift took me awhile to get over. I think it comes from the italics not being all the way through. (Only the first paragraph is in italics. To get rid of that italicize each paragraph individually) Maybe put the dialogue in the "dream sequences" in single quotes on top of that?

“Boys…. Well, Cally. Let’s see here…. Oh, boy!


"Boy" is slightly repetitive here.

Cally tugged at the hem of her dress in the direction of the door. Noticing Cally’s intentions, Cinderellin hiked up her dress


"Dress" is a little repetitive here.

Little did she know that Cally slipped out of the room after her. The orange tabby didn’t clean her fur for nothing.


"Little did she know" here doesn't seem to fit that well. It would work if Cally did something later on, but she doesn't.

It’s so pretty, especially the ending.


... You're going off the Disney version, aren't you? (The Grimms version involves cutting off parts of the sisters' feet and them getting blinded)

A Frisbee flew into the middle of the ruins and passed Lin into the back near the staircase. Lin smiled and shook her head as the boy she met earlier ran up to the ruins. She said hi as he ran past,


~ I used italics and bold here to show what words/terms are repetitive.

~ The first line of this quote isn't very clear to me. You seem to have too many ideas struggling to fit in one sentence. Break it up. ^^

“I’m getting bushed.


Not sure what you mean by "bushed" here.

with the heavy-bound book


I think "the" should be replaced with "her" here. Since it is her book.

Thanks for not tripping over it and saving its life.”


"Saving its life" confused me a bit here. I think it's because it can mean damaging the book or her forgetting it. There's no real antecedent.

Lin giggled, which stifled another yawn in the making.


Lin sure is giggling a lot. She's done the action twice in two paragraphs now.

Cally jumped down from the desk and followed her catlike.


"Catlike" seems a bit redundant here. Since Cally is a cat. Maybe "shadow like"?

“Is she really sleeping—? I’m talking to a cat,”


Another line I lol'd at. xD

*

Characters: Lin giggled a bit too much here, I find. The tone was almost too cutesy, despite the subject matter. She also seems to get sillier the longer things go on. I'm not sure how much I like that, to be honest. I'd tone it back a little, just so the prose doesn't get so repetitive between the "Cinderlin" and "Roselin" bits.

Charles Prince doesn't really show up much, but I liked his character. Just sweet enough to be likable, just awkward enough to be real.

And Cally was just too cute. I loved how she showed up everywhere, even in the stories. And her slight attitude was nice.

Description: Some of it was a bit confusing, I found. It also got sparser as things progressed. That could be to show things as less cliche later on, but that doesn't really fit with the way Lin's character goes. I'd add a bit more in as things move on (and clear up the sentences) so the description has a bigger place in the story.

Overall: Not much to say overall! I had a really hard time reviewing this, but there was something missing between the Cinderlin and Roselin parts. I kinda lost the plot and nothing stuck to me from that segment. I liked the beginning and end, I just feel that something's missing from the middle.

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey
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Postby lilymoore on Sun Jul 05, 2009 9:00 pm

*jabs jabber* Hey, it’s reviewin time. Rosey had some wonderful things to say but I did have a couple of more to bring up.


The orange tabby didn’t clean her fur for nothing.


This sounds clumsy but I think simply changing “didn’t” to “hadn’t” could clear that up.

Lin
Rosey was right about how she seems to giggle as much as she does. You’ve obviously tried to pass her off as a rather eccentric individual but it comes off a bit…well she’s just really perky. Eccentrics are good like with Luna Lovegood, Mary Poppins, or Dorian Gray. But each of them have a very distinct and multifaceted personality. Lin seems really one-emotional. Perky. Try to add some a bit more then just giggles and smiles. (I had to count out of curiosity. You used ‘giggle’ seven times.)

Cally
Cally shines so strongly in this piece that she almost starts to out show Lin which isn’t always the best. Lin is your MC, Cally and Charles are your Secondary Characters and Lin is meant to be the big shining star. I wouldn’t recommend toning down Cally though, her personality is amazing, but I would work on making Lin shine brighter.

Dialogue
I’m always very particular about the way that dialogue flows for one specific reason; dialogue is one of the most revealing aspects of a person and it‘s half of what moves writing forward. You can say a lot in a single word and you can say so little in a hundred. You managed this with your dialogue but it lacked a good flow which would make the writing so much more impressive. Flow in dialogue is key. Conversation should sound natural.

Overall
This isn’t bad as a whole but with a few tweaks and a little time this would totally rock our fairytale lovin socks off. ^o^

If there are any questions, just PM me.

~lilymoore
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