Young Writers Society

Chapter five

Gary was awaken by loud chatter downstairs. His scruffy hair fell into his eyes as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His body was achy, and his head felt like it was pounding on the inside of his skull. Gary slowly ambled down the curved, blue carpeted staircase. Isabella was sitting on the couch while Kevin watched the news.

“Well, good morning sleeping beauty.” Isabella made room for him on the couch.

Gary just nodded as he sat in between them. He gently laid his head on Isabella’s shoulder. She pushed his hair back and felt his head.

“Aw, you poor thing. You have a fever.” She pressed her lips against his forehead.

This made Gary shudder. Her cool lips felt like heaven on his forehead. He closed his eyes for a millisecond and felt at peace. He jerked up when he realized what he was doing. If he stayed like that any longer he would fall back asleep on her shoulder. He couldn’t even hint at the fact that he liked it because she’s smart enough to figure out his feelings for her.

“Oh, well, I’m fine. Have you guys had breakfast?” Gary asked.

“No, but I’ll make us some.” Kevin got up and walked to the kitchen.

After ten or twenty minutes, Kevin yelled into the living room that breakfast was ready. He had made eggs, toast, and some coffee. Gary helped Isabella up and slowly walked her to the kitchen. Gary got them all orange juice. Isabella took her medication and chugged the rest of her orange juice.

After breakfast Kevin went out to visit some friends so for the rest of the day it was just going to be Isabella and Gary, alone.

***

“Want to go out to the dock?” Gary asked after he cleaned up the kitchen.

“Yes, I want out of this house.” Isabella stood up and smiled enthusiastically.

Gary took her hand and led her outside. Fireflies rose in Gary’s stomach as she accepted his hand into hers. Wow, her skin so soft, her touch so gentle. Gary couldn’t look at her as they walked outside.

He was afraid his palms were sweaty and drew back his hand as they sat on the dock. He focused his eyes on the ripple of the water going in and out, instead of her magnificent beauty. It would be horrifying if she saw him drooling over her.

“I think I’ll be looking for a new house soon because I am starting to feel better. So, I won’t be in your hair for long.” Isabella looked at him, searching for a relieved expression on his face, “So, how are you feeling now?”

“I’m glad to hear you’re feeling fine, and Belle you’re not in my hair I like having your company. On the other hand, I’m fine, I just had a little fever. I took some Advil, that’ll keep it down for now.” Gary let out a sigh.

Isabella took a long look at him. What was he thinking? Why did he sigh? Is it something I’m doing?

“So, tomorrow I think I’ll take a look at some houses. I talked with Jay, and he got me an appointment with a real estate agent,” she replied.

Oh, great, she’s talking to Jay. Maybe they’ll just stay friends this time.

“Ok,” Gary said getting quite.

“What is it Gary?” Isabella saw the scrunched expression on his face as a sign of hurt. She watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he slowly replied with deep thought.

“Belle I… no, never mind; I’m fine.” Gary was afraid of telling her how he really felt. If she didn’t feel the same way, things would be different, and he liked the closeness they already shared. So he shut his mouth as he stood up.

“Hey, I have a good idea. Lets go to the park.” Isabella’s eyes lit up.

Is she crazy? The park is full of little kids and couples strolling about. Why would she want to go there?

“Well, if you’re really up for it, but I‘m just saying you were suppose to be on bed-rest.” Gary smiled at Isabella.

She lightly punched him on his arm and jogged towards his yellow Ford truck. Gary walked slowly behind her, and watched her, so happy and bubbly. Her hair was starting to grow back to its full length before the accident. It bounced up and down along her back as she ran away from him. She is so beautiful, Gary jumped into the truck shaking his head and smiling.

No one was at the park when Gary and Isabella got there, and it was a hot, sunny day outside. The perfect ice-cream weather.

“So, what are we doing here?” Gary asked looking around at the empty park.

“Why don’t we swing on the swings over there?” Isabella asked walking fast towards the swings, which were blowing in the wind.

Now I know she has lost her mind. Does she think some one of my size will be willing to swing? I hope it doesn’t break.

“Belle, these are made for little kids.” Gary smiled to himself, as Isabella pumped her legs to make the swing move faster.

I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. I just really want him to loosen up.

“Oh, come on; have some fun with me.” She got off the swing and pushed Gary towards a swing next to hers.

“This is crazy.” Gary sat on the swing and thought of a hundred other things he could be doing at that exact moment.

She’s so cute, acting like a child. I wonder what kind of mom she would be.

“You’re crazy.” Isabella stuck her tongue out at him as she got back on her swing.

Isabella had gotten high enough in her swing to jump off, so she gently pushed off and landed on her feet. Gary couldn’t help but double over and laugh at how ridiculous he thought all of this was.

Going over to the bench Isabella was, now, sitting on, Gary said, “You act like a little kid.”

I hope she doesn’t think I’m insulting her; I think it’s cute.

“So, it’s fun. Don’t tell me you have never wondered what it would be like to be a kid again,” she said smirking.

I never did want to grow up. I wonder if Gary knows he’s the first man I ever thought romantically about.

“Yes, I have, but all I want is right here. So no, I wouldn’t want to go back to being a kid. How about we go get some ice cream?” Gary asked wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

I hope Belle doesn’t think I was trying to hit on her. But what if she was ready to move on? What if she had wanted me to?

At the local ice cream parlor Gary got peach ice cream and Isabella got a hot fudge sundae. They went out side and jumped into the bed of the truck. Isabella sat across from Gary and took a plunge into her ice cream with her spoon.

“Where do you think you’ll want a house? Around here hopefully.” Gary took a bite of his ice cream.

What if she moved out of state? I would most likely never see her again.

“Yes, around here silly. Some where near the diner hopefully,” Isabella replied.

Could I tell him I really was staying because I couldn’t think of ever losing my best friend?

“Oh, yeah, who’s been working the diner while your gone?” Gary asked.

“One of my best employees. Her name is Daisy.” Gary’s cell phone started to ring.

When Gary answered, a smile spread across his face. When he got off the phone he started to chuckle and finished with a bright smile.

“Who was that?” Isabella asked curiously.

Does he have a girlfriend already?

“It was Joe Don telling me he is going to be a daddy.” Gary smiled at the thought of Joe Don becoming a dad; he was so not ready for that.

“Aw, how far along is Destiny?” Isabella asked as Gary got a straight face on.

I can’t believe she’s having a baby. We were suppose to be best friends. We planned on getting married at the same time, like a double wedding. Of course that didn’t happen, and now she’s having a baby.

“Well, Joe Don said about eight weeks, so two months.” Gary jumped out of the truck and threw his cone away.

Is she ok? Why has the mood suddenly become melancholy? Destiny having a baby; that was good news, right?

“That is such great news.” Isabella did the same with her cup.

Can he tell that I’m lying?

***

Gary and Isabella rode over to Destiny and Joe Don’s house after going to the store and getting them a card and flowers for Destiny. The lilies were a beautiful shade of deep blue. Every time Isabella looked down at them she was reminded of Gary’s rich eyes.
Gary gently knocked on the door, and when Joe Don answered he said, “Hey, guys come on in.”

“This is for you.” Gary handed Joe Don the card and gave him a ‘man hug’.

“And these are for you.” Isabella handed the flowers to Destiny and hugged her, “I’m so happy for you, congratulations.”

“Aw they’re beautiful, thank you,” Destiny said going over to hug Gary.

“Yeah, thanks guys. I see someone is feeling better.” Joe don hugged Isabella as he drank her with his soothing green eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine, glad to be up and walking about,” she melted in his embrace.

“That’s great, you guys want some thing to drink?” Joe Don asked setting the card on the mantle top.

“No, we just came by to tell you we’re happy for ya’ll. Now we’re going to get out of your hair and let ya‘ll have some alone time.” Gary smirked.

“Alright, you guys take care. We’ll see ya’ll soon,” Destiny said as they left.

The rest of the day Isabella acted strange, and Gary needed to know what it was. She wasn’t happy any more. Once they were home she slumped on the couch and watched the television. She didn’t make any conversation, and when she did it was only one to two word answers.

“Belle what’s wrong? Ever since we found out Joe Don and Destiny were expecting you’ve been acting weird.” Gary said after they had dinner and Isabella was cleaning up in silence.

“Gary, you wouldn’t understand,” she replied drying some dishes.

How could he possibly understand? He could still find the woman of his dreams and settle down with a family. What if Jay had been the one?

“Oh, come on, try me.” Gary pulled Isabella away from the dishes as she started to cry.

This is my friend. How am I going to put back the pieces if she doesn’t even want to tell me what is wrong?

“Belle, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” Gary asked sitting on the couch and holding her.

“Gary, I have always wanted to be a mom, but now that Jay’s gone I don’t know when I’ll be able to find a man I want to start a family with. I thought I was in love with that Jay. Even when we didn’t get along I thought we would work it out. I thought I was destined to marry him and start a family. Once he said he was threw with ‘us’ he ripped away from me tearing the seams of those dreams until they came apart. I know I shouldn’t be like this towards one man so unsure of where he wants to be, but I can’t help it.” Stopping long enough to take a breath, Isabella started to cry again.

She buried her head into a silenced Gary. He had no idea what to say to cheer her up. He wanted to tell her he could be that guy, that he wanted to be that guy. He also knew she wouldn’t go for that. She would think he was crazy and run away. So he kept his mouth shut and rocked Isabella back and forth as she slowly fell asleep in her tears.

Hi there, Rascalover! I like Rascal Flatts too

OK, now onto the review.

Nit- picks

His scruffy hair fell into his eyes, as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

I think you can get rid of that comma. Commas are put for pauses, but I find that, saying this sentence out loud, it sounds much more appropriate without the pause/ comma. Not to mention, grammatically, it is not needed there.

Gary slowly walked down the blue carpeted, curved staircase.

I think you could find a more colorful word than “walked”. It makes the sentence sound a little boring. Might I suggest “trudged”?
Not to mention, I would suggest switching around “blue carpeted” and “curved”. So the sentence would end up looking like this;
“Gary slowly trudged down the curved, blue carpeted staircase.”
Better?

Isabella was sitting on the couch with Kevin watching the news.

First of all, I find that so far, and I haven't gotten very far in the story, you seem to tell us, not show us. Not good!
Also, I think your “with” should be changed to “while”. If you make that change, which I think is more appropriate if you want to keep this sentence this way (because I told you earlier that you are telling not showing), then you need to make the change of “watching” to “watched”. It also goes along with your whole past tense writing style. (I normally write in present tense, so I'm on a high- alert here )

This made Gary shutter.

“Shutter” should be “shudder”, deary .

Her cool lips felt like heaven on his forehead. He closed his eyes for a millisecond and felt at peace. He jerked up when he realized what he was doing.

I think this needs some more explanation. He's obviously sick, due to the information you gave us earlier, so why is he not resting? Why does he not want to rest? What's the deal here?

After ten or twenty minutes Kevin yelled into the living room that breakfast was ready.

There needs to be a comma after “minutes”. It is appropriate to put a pause right there

He focused his eyes on the ripple of the water going in and out, instead of her magnificent beauty.

Why?! >=O

“I’m glad to hear your feeling fine, and Belle your not in my hair I like having your company.

“Your” needs to be “you're” in two cases right here. The last time in this sentence you use “your” is okay. Just the first two times. I refer to this mistake; Ten Most Commonly Misused/ Mistaken Words. Also known as, the Dirty Dozen.

I took some advil,

Advil needs to be capitalized. It's a brand name, and names are capitalized, silly!

She watched his adam’s apple bob up and down as he slowly replied with deep thought.

Like I said, names are capitalized. This includes Adam's apple.

If she didn’t feel the same way things would be different, and he liked the closeness they already shared.

A comma is needed after “way”.

Isabella eyes lightened up.

“Isabella” needs to become “Isabella's”. Also, instead of using “lightened”, why don't you use “lit”?

“Well, if you’re really up for it, but I‘m just saying you were suppose to be on bed-rest.” Gary smiled at Isabella.

This is very confusing. In the beginning, you hinted that this was in Gary's perspective, and that he was the one that was sick, not Isabella. I don't get it. A little more explanation, please?

She lightly punched him in his arm and jogged towards his yellow ford truck.

I'm pretty sure you cannot punch someone in their arm. “On” works. XD
Also, Ford needs to be capitalized. Like I mentioned a few times earlier, it's a [brand] name, and should be capitalized.

Her hair was slightly growing back to its full length before the accident.

Hair can't “slightly” grow back. I think you can use “starting to grow” in the place of “slightly growing”.

Isabella asked walking fast towards the swings blowing in the air.

You make it unclear what exactly is blowing in the air. I mean, I know it's the swings, but some of your other readers might not.

“Your crazy.”

Again with the “your” instead of “you're”. Grammar, dear, grammar.

I wonder if Gary knows he’s the first man I ever though romantically about.

“Though” should be “thought”. Typo fail XD

When Gary answered it a smile spread across his face.

I think you can replace “it” with a comma.

When he got off the phone he sort of laughed and smiled at the same time.

When you laugh, you automatically smile. You can't not smile when you laugh, thus making this sentence make no sense.

I just want to add one thing while I'm this far in reading. Throughout the thoughts in this, though I love the thoughts a lot because they make your piece very original with thoughts occurring that often, you make it unclear who is thinking what.

Why has the mood soundly become melancholy?

Either I'm dumb or this sentence doesn't make sense XD

“Yeah, thanks guys. I see some one is feeling better.”

Someone is one word.

This was my friend. How was I going to put back the pieces if she didn’t even want to tell me what was wrong?

I'm sure that thoughts are supposed to be in present tense. The rest of your story, though, excluding thoughts and dialogue, should be in past tense, as you have made it clear.

Stopping long enough to take a breath Isabella started to cry again.

After “breath” should be a comma.

Over-all

As you can see by the epically long list of nit- picks, I found a lot of grammar mistakes. Try working on that by going to my group,[url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=290]
Grammar Freaks[/url].

Ok, next, I noticed that you TELL and do not SHOW!!! Arggh! I'm sorry, but it drove me insane XD
Instead of just telling us straight out what happens, incorporate it as you go along. So, for example, instead of “Jane bought an ice cream then went over to the swings,” you could say “Jane walked slowly over to the swings while licking daintily at her waffle- coned ice cream.

Also! The lack of explanation. I didn't get a lot of this. The thoughts, the tenses, the sickness thing from the beginning... and so on. Please, please, PLEASE work on that.

Well, I think I'm done for now. I loved this story much! But I do want to say, if this is your fifth chapter, which you told me it is, then it sounds like the first chapter. I like how it is like that. I love it. Keep writing like that. Very original

~April

P.S. this is the longest review I've ever done O.o

Thanks so much

This chapter is just as wonderful as the first! It's amazing. You're confusing me, though. You say Isabella has had romantic feelings for Gary, but then she's breaking down crying because she thought Jay was, "the one." Does she like him, or not. (This isn't as bad as when you're trying to figure out what a guy thinks of you, however. You might as well walk up to an elephant and ask what he's thinking. At least you'll be less confused at the end.) So just try to keep it continuous. If she likes him, she likes him. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
I absolutely loved how you did Gary and Isabella's thoughts in this chapter. You should go back and add that into some of your previous chapters.
I still think it's wonderful, and you are portraying the whole oh-crap-we're-in-love-but-we're-best-friends-what-do-we-do? story line quite well. Keep up the great work!

Thank you im so glad you like it

Best chapter yet! Especially it ends so well, the last line so descriptive. Again, a few grammatical errors, read it through and you'll find them, but I think the people before me were so thorough that I have no complaints. I would suggest trying to add a little complexity to your writing style if you know what i mean, just more description basically. Despite that I'm getting so hooked to the story line and will review the next chapter when I have a chance. You're going to need to start writing quicker, in comparison to my reviews

Hello, sorry for the very late review @_@
The others already picked out most of the critiques, so mine won't be as long.

Gary slowly ambled down the curved, blue carpeted staircase.

The paragraph is still about Gary, so putting his name here doesn't really sound right. I was thinking something like "Slowly, he walked down the...." for this sentence. Still with a 'he', but making it not so repetitive this way.

Gary helped Isabella up and slowly walked her to the kitchen. Gary got them all orange juice.

Again, putting his name repetitively doesn't sound right, especially in these 2 sentences in a row. Maybe change the second 'Gary' to something like 'He then...'.

No one was at the park when Gary and Isabella got there, and it was a hot, sunny day outside.

I thought the 'outside' was unecessary, they've been outside since before right? Except if the dock was not hot and sunny. O_o

working the diner while your gone?

You're

“One of my best employees. Her name is Daisy.” Gary’s cell phone started to ring.

This may cause some confusion. Maybe it's better to add a "She answered but Gary's cell phone interrupted" or something like that, just to show it was Belle's dialogue.

Oh well, that's it I guess. I'm still not sure to what extent can I review someone's work, or in what layout my review post should look like. Hope it helps!

cheers
Tuna

Hey thanks very good info !

Hi rascalover! Kat's here -- as requested! I haven't read the above reviews, so if I repeat anything I'm sorry.

Nit-picks:

Gary was awaken by loud chatter downstairs. His scruffy hair fell into his eyes as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

It should be '[...] by a loud chatter[...]'. You need an article to define that Comma after 'eyes', on the second sentence.

Isabella made room for him on the couch.

This line sounds a bit awkward. try to word it. Something like: 'Isabella said, as she made room for him on the couch'.

If he stayed like that any longer he would fall back asleep on her shoulder. He couldn’t even hint at the fact that he liked it because she’s smart enough to figure out his feelings for her.

Comma after 'longer' and before 'because'.

Gary helped Isabella up and slowly walked her to the kitchen. Gary got them all orange juice. Isabella took her medication and chugged the rest of her orange juice.

Quoting Snoink on this one, this seems like a 'to do list'. Clean my bedroom, tide up my closet. You just say what they are doing. Try to put more into these kind of lines.

After breakfast Kevin went out to visit some friends so for the rest of the day it was just going to be Isabella and Gary, alone.

I realize you've put 'alone' italicized for emphasis. But I think that a period before that would have a much greater effect.

“Want to go out to the dock?” Gary asked after he cleaned up the kitchen.

Comma after 'asked'.

“Hey, I have a good idea. Lets go to the park.” Isabella’s eyes lit up.

To make this sentence a bit moe enthuastic, I'd usgest you put an exclamation point after park. When people change themes drastically they tend to overwork the next sentece 'Lets' should be let's.

Now I know she has lost her mind. Does she think some one of my size will be willing to swing? I hope it doesn’t break.

“Belle, these are made for little kids.” Gary smiled to himself, as Isabella pumped her legs to make the swing move faster.

I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. I just really want him to loosen up.

I really like this part. The contrast between their thoughts, is really great

“Oh, yeah, who’s been working the diner while your gone?” Gary asked.

Your should be you're.

Joe don hugged Isabella as he drank her with his soothing green eyes.

'don' should be capitalized. He drank her? O.o

I'll finish later!
*Kat*

thanks for the review:)

Thansk for the review:)

Hola!! I loved your story- everything flows perfectly from one peice to the next, and it's not an overly-confusing plot-line.
but, when you have Gary then Belle thinking, right after eachother, the story doesn't flow as well. It is understandable but it threw me off for just a second.

Hello again. Hm, I trying to decide to either post a brief comment of suggestions, or do another long and grueling grammar and content review. Well, I guess I'll go with the latter since I already wrote this stuff down on paper. Try not to fall asleep from reading my insane writing. Wait, how does someone fall asleep reading something insane?

Gary was awakened by loud chatter downstairs. His scruffy hair fell into his eyes as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His body was achy, and his head felt like it was pounding on the inside of his skull. Gary slowly ambled down the curved, blue carpeted staircase. Isabella was sitting on the couch while Kevin watched the news.

Sounds funny, no? "his head was pounding on the inside of his skull?

“Well, good morning sleeping beauty.” Isabella made room for him on the couch.



Gary just nodded as he sat in between them. He gently laid his head on Isabella’s shoulder. She pushed his hair back and felt his head.



“Aw, you poor thing. You have a fever.” She pressed her lips against his forehead.

This made Gary shudder. Her cool lips felt like heaven on his forehead. He closed his eyes for a millisecond and felt at peace. He jerked up when he realized what he was doing. If he stayed like that any longer he would fall back asleep on her shoulder. He couldn’t even hint at the fact that he liked it because she’s smart enough to figure out his feelings for her.

If you leave that in it sounds like he had previously fallen asleep on her shoulder.

“Oh, well, I’m fine. Have you guys had breakfast?” Gary asked.



“No, but I’ll make us some.” Kevin got up and walked to the kitchen.

After ten or twenty minutes, Kevin yelled into the living room that breakfast was ready. He had made eggs, toast, and some coffee.

Gary helped Isabella up and slowly walked her to the kitchen. Gary got them all orange juice. Isabella took her medication and chugged the rest of her orange juice.

Separated, different actions by different characters. If you keep them together then you should make it clear how Gary knows what Kevin made. Did he smell it?

After breakfast Kevin went out to visit some friends so for the rest of the day it was just going to be Isabella and Gary, alone.



***



“Want to go out to the dock?” Gary asked after he cleaned up the kitchen.



“Yes, I want out of this house.” Isabella stood up and smiled enthusiastically.

Gary took her hand and led her outside. Fireflies rose in Gary’s stomach as she accepted his hand into hers. Wow, her skin so soft, her touch so gentle. Gary couldn’t look at her as they walked outside.

You mentioned that they were going outside twice in one paragraph.

He was afraid his palms were sweaty and drew back his hand as they sat on the dock. He focused his eyes on the ripples of the water going in and out, instead of her magnificent beauty. It would be horrifying if she saw him drooling over her.

“I think I’ll be looking for a new house soon because I am starting to feel better. So, I won’t be in your hair for long.” Isabella looked at him, searching for a relieved expression on his face, “So, how are you feeling now?”



“I’m glad to hear you’re feeling fine, and Belle you’re not in my hair I like having your company. On the other hand, I’m fine, I just had a little fever. I took some Advil, that’ll keep it down for now.” Gary let out a sigh.



Isabella took a long look at him. What was he thinking? Why did he sigh? Is it something I’m doing?

Thoughts should be in italics.

“So, tomorrow I think I’ll take a look at some houses. I talked with Jay, and he got me an appointment with a real estate agent,” she replied.

Oh, great, she’s talking to Jay. Maybe they’ll just stay friends this time.

Same here. Italics Ma'am.

“Ok,” Gary said, becoming quite.

Edited.

“What is it Gary?” Isabella saw the scrunched expression on his face as a sign of hurt. She watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he slowly replied with deep thought.

“Belle I… no, never mind; I’m fine.” Gary was afraid of telling her how he really felt. If she didn’t feel the same way, things would be different, and he liked the closeness they already shared. So he kept his mouth as he stood up.

Edited.

“Hey, I have a good idea. Lets go to the park.” Isabella’s eyes lit up.

Is she crazy? The park is full of little kids and couples strolling about. Why would she want to go there?

Italics, please.

“Well, if you’re really up for it, but I‘m just saying you were supposed to be on bed-rest.” Gary smiled at Isabella.

She lightly punched him lightly on his arm and jogged towards his yellow Ford truck. Gary walked slowly behind her, and watched her, so happy and bubbly. Strange word choice. Her hair was starting to grow back to its full length before the accident. It bounced up and down along her back as she ran away from him. She is so beautiful, Gary thought, jumping into the truck shaking his head and smiling.

No one was at the park when Gary and Isabella got there, and it was a hot, sunny day outside. The perfect ice-cream weather.

I don't think you need that comma here.

“So, what are we doing here?” Gary asked looking around at the empty park.



“Why don’t we swing on the swings over there?” Isabella asked walking fast towards the swings, which were blowing in the wind.

Now I know she has lost her mind. Does she think someone of my size will be willing to swing? If I do wouldn't it break?

Edited quite a bit.

“Belle, these are made for little kids.” Gary smiled to himself, as Isabella pumped her legs to make the swing move faster.

I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. I just really want him to loosen up, Isabella thought, watching Gary's expression. “Oh, come on; have some fun with me.” She got off the swing and pushed Gary towards a swing next to hers.

Edited and combined two paragraphs together.

“This is crazy.” Gary sat on the swing and thought of a hundred other things he could be doing at that exact moment.

She’s so cute, acting like a child. I wonder what kind of mom she would be.

How about, "mother" instead?

“You’re crazy.” Isabella stuck her tongue out at him as she got back on her swing.



Isabella had gotten high enough in her swing to jump off, so she gently pushed off and landed on her feet. Gary couldn’t help but double over and laugh at how ridiculous he thought all of this was.



Going over to the bench Isabella was, now, sitting on, Gary said, “You act like a little kid.”

Omit those unnecessary commas.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m insulting her; because I think it’s cute.

“So, it’s fun. Don’t tell me you've I combined "you" and "have" never wondered what it would be like to be a kid again,” she said smirking.

I never did want to grow up. I wonder if Gary knows he’s the first man I ever thought romantically about.

What about Jay!?

“Yes, I have, but all I want is right here. So no, I wouldn’t want to go back to being a kid. How about we go get some ice cream?” Gary asked, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.



I hope Belle doesn’t think I was trying to hit on her. But what if she was ready to move on? What if she had wanted me to?

At the local ice cream parlor Gary got peach ice cream, and Isabella got a hot fudge sundae. They went out side and jumped into the bed of the truck. Isabella sat across from Gary and took a plunge into her sundae with her spoon.

With her spoon? Why don't you just say that he used his?

“Where do you think you’ll want a house? Around here hopefully.” Gary took a bite of his ice cream.

What if she moved out of state? I would probably never see her again.

“Yes, around here silly. Some where near the diner hopefully,” Isabella replied.

This sentence would be more appropriate before the previous sentence, and following Gary's question.

Could I tell him I really was staying, because I couldn’t think of ever losing my best friend?

“Oh, yeah, who’s been working the diner while your gone?” Gary asked.



“One of my best employees. Her name is Daisy.” Gary’s cell phone started to ring.



When Gary answered, a smile spread across his face. When he got off the phone he started to chuckle and finished with a bright smile.



“Who was that?” Isabella asked curiously.

Does he have a girlfriend already?

Thoughts= italics

“It was Joe Don telling me he is going to be a father.” Gary smiled at the thought of Joe Don becoming a dad; he on the other hand, was so not ready for that.

“Aw, how far along is Destiny?” Isabella asked as Gary got a straight face on.



I can’t believe she’s having a baby. We were supposed to be best friends. We planned on getting married at the same time, like a double wedding. Of course that didn’t happen, and now she’s having a baby.

Please tell me if these people are supposed to be unable to both think and speak the word "supposed" because you use, "suppose" very often.

“Well, Joe Don said about eight weeks, so two months.” Gary jumped out of the truck and threw his cone away.

Is she OK? Why has the mood suddenly become melancholy? Destiny having a baby; that was good news, right?

Shouldn't this be with the previous paragraph?

“That is such great news.” Isabella did the same with her cup.

What? Threw it away?

Can he tell that I’m lying?

Same here. There's no need to have this and the line above it separated.

***



Gary and Isabella rode over to Destiny and Joe's house after getting them a card and flowers from a store. The lilies were a beautiful shade of deep blue. Every time Isabella looked down at them she was reminded of Gary’s rich eyes.

It was a very overwhelming first sentence, so I tweaked it. And I took out "Don's" Why do you always use his last name?

Gary gently knocked on the door.

Joe Don answered and said, “Hey, guys come on in.”

Separated and edited.

“This is for you.” Gary handed Joe Don the card and gave him a ‘man hug’.

What?

“And these are for you.” Isabella handed the flowers to Destiny and hugged her saying, “I’m so happy for you, congratulations.”

My adding "saying" could be wrong, so it might be best to just change the comma to a period.

“Aw, they’re beautiful, thank you,” Destiny said going over to hug Gary.

“Yeah, thanks guys. I see someone is feeling better.” Joe don hugged Isabella as he drank her with his soothing green eyes.

You go through so many POV changes.

“Yeah, I’m fine, glad to be up and walking about,” she melted in his embrace.

“That’s great, you guys want something to drink?” Joe Don asked setting the card on the mantle top.

“No, we just came by to tell you we’re happy for ya’ll. Now we’re going to get out of your hair and let ya‘ll have some alone time,” Gary said smirking.

“Alright, you guys take care. We’ll see ya’ll soon,” Destiny said as they left.

The rest of the day Isabella acted strange, and Gary needed to know what it was. She wasn’t happy any more. Once they were home all she did was lay on the couch and watch the television. She didn’t make any conversation, and when she did it was only one to two word answers.

“Belle what’s wrong? Ever since we found out Joe Don and Destiny were expecting you haven't been acting like yourself,” Gary said after they had dinner and Isabella was cleaning up in silence.

“Gary, you wouldn’t understand,” she replied drying some dishes.

How could he possibly understand? He could still find the woman of his dreams and settle down with a family. What if Jay had been the one?

Sorry Rascalover, but that was just confusing. Please clarify it for the readers.

“Oh, come on, try me.” Gary pulled Isabella away from the dishes as she started to cry.

She started to cry? That was very abrupt.

This is my friend. How am I going to put the pieces back together if she doesn’t even want to tell me what is wrong?

“Belle, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” Gary asked, sitting on the couch and holding her.

WOW! When did she sit on a couch?

“Gary, I've always wanted to be a mother, but now that Jay’s gone I don’t know when I’ll be able to find a man I want to start a family with. I thought I was in love with that Jay. Even when we didn’t get along I thought we would work it out. I thought I was destined to marry him and start a family. Once he said he was through with ‘us’ he ripped away from me tearing the seams of those dreams until they came apart. I know I shouldn’t be like this towards one man so unsure of where he wants to be, but I can’t help it.” Stopping long enough to take a breath, Isabella started to cry again.

She buried her head into the silent Gary. He had no idea what to say to cheer her up. He wanted to tell her he could be that guy,(That comma is not needed) that he wanted to be that guy. He also knew she wouldn’t go for that. She would think he was crazy and run away. So he kept his mouth shut and rocked Isabella back and forth as she cried herself to sleep.

And there you are. Another lengthy complete review of your chapter. My goodness, I am exhausted. I think I might die.

*Dies*

Okay, so, I've been reading your chapters for a while and not commenting, but now I'm going to. :}

I'd just like to say that before, the whole thing where you switched point of views annoyed me. A lot. But this time, when you did what both Gary and Isabelle were thinking, I believe is adorable. I really liked it that time. It was great.

The conversation you create is beautiful, but remember to be descriptive about your surroundings. I know what Isabelle and Gary look like, but what about Kevin? What does the house look like? What did the playground look like? The ice cream shop? The truck? Make sure to create the scene for me so I can see what's going on. Also, work on comma placement.

Well. That's about it.

PM me if you ever want a review on anything.

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Thank you