Topic ID: 4785
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amoerizzle
Junior Writer
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 Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:44 am Post subject: Gone |
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Gone
No one really knew him,
No one really cared.
That's why he's gone now,
'Cause life he couldn't bear.
You taunted him; you teased,
While he just walked on by.
But now he's gone; you've laughed at him,
For the very last time.
You never knew the affect you had,
On one innocent life.
The way you made me feel,
The way he lived in fright.
So next time you decide,
To tease another person.
Think about the outcome,
Think about the reason,
This one innocent life is gone. |
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forest_ofthe_nightingale
Senior Writer
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Posts: 139
Reviews: 75
Country: Still trying to figure this one out...
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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I really like the message of this poem. I totally agree with you. However, the last phrase in the last stanza is just not giving you the finish you need.
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So next time you decide,
To tease another person.
Think about the outcome,
Think about the reason,
This one innocent life is gone |
It seems a bit forced, like you didn't know what else to write (yes, i agree you need to tie it in with the rest of the poem, but it also needs to fit with the stanza). Work on that, but otherwise I really enjoyed reading this. |
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Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake... unless it's to remind him that he won't fail... he just won't kill you. |
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Boni_Bee
An old fashioned girl
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Joined: 10 Aug 2005
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Country: Australia
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| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree with forest ofthe nightingale, and the second stanza didn't ryme to well. Some of the words were a bit forced, but its pretty good. |
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May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. |
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Sohini
Her Meowness
Master of the Forum
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224 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 5:10 am Post subject: |
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is this a narrative poem?
it sounds nice and gives a nice message about humiliating others. |
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SolisCookies
Writer
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Age: 19
Joined: 25 Sep 2005
Posts: 78
Reviews: 49
Country: So. Fla, USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| It has a nice message, I agree, but didn't seem very poetic in the sense that you tried to make it a true poem. It sounds more like a quick little rhyme lacking in effort. But it was short and sweet,and to the point, nonetheless. |
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Who are you to judge me?
Who are you to control me?
Who are you to laugh at me?
Who are you to criticize me?
Who are you to worry about me?
Who are you to tell me what to do,
Where to go, who to be?
You're not me. |
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kwestion22
Novice
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Joined: 04 Oct 2005
Posts: 14
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Country: Bay Area
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:48 am Post subject: |
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| I liked the idea you were trying to get across, but it sounded a little bit cliche. I think that you have a good idea in your mind though, and that you could definetly work with it! |
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