Young Writers Society

This is just a brief sneek peak of my novel called Bitten. It's a twisted vampire romance. I'd love feedback if you loved it or hated it. Or just all together tear it apart
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I watched Benjamin as he slept, he looked so defenceless and peaceful.The room was dark and he wasn't exactly on a bed. He was chained to the wall, he's scent smelled unbelievable. He was my boyfriend... He just... Didn't know it yet. In fact, he'd never met me in his life. He'd never looked at me, never ran his fingertips across my skin.I woundered what his eyes would look like... If they had changed from hazel brown to aqua. His muscles tightened when I ran my hands down his chest, but he didn't stir.
His skin was light brown, like a freshly baked cookie.His hair was black and curly ringlets that only hid the tops of his ears. I picked his hand and turned it. A tattoo of two fang marks on his palm, and one drop of blood running out of it. Thanks to me, he had a matching one of his neck. I should have never taken him, but I was a selfish, not to mention a drunk bitch last night. I got up, looking down at myself feeling like a snake. Straight long light brown hair, I looked in the mirror and my eye color changed from spring green to violet.
I was still wearing jeans and a tank top I was wearing last night. I'd lost my shoes when I brought Benjamin to this place. My skin was too pale for my liking and being a vampire bled through the surface like a damn Sharpie.I heard moaning and a bit of ruffling. I turned around and saw Benjamin moving and trying to turn over. I had him contained with those chains, that believe it or not those chains can even hold vampires. I knew he was going to get up and probably start yelling. I was right next to him in a heartbeat and jumped on top of him. I strandled his waist and looked down at him. He jumped.
"What the hell? Get off." he said firmly.
I smiled, and ran my hands down his chest forcefully making him go back down on to his back. His hand locked on my wrist.
"Now, now Benjamin you wouldn't want to waste all your strength." I grabbed his hand with my thumb and index finger and drew it away from my wrist. I let him get up on his elbows, but he wasn't strong enough to throw me off his body.
He looked at me. "How do you know my name? Where are we?" Then, like he understood what was going on he smirked and shook his head. "Did Ainsley send you for my early birthday presant?" he asked. "He told me he was going to order a hooker... Damn him." he smiled. "Really it was nice enough of you to drop in and preform your little kidnapping routine and I'll pay you but I just can't do this..."
He thought I was a HOOKER?! What the hell?! I glared at him and slapped him, not too hard I didn't want to break his neck.
"I'm NOT a hooker!" I growled, pinning him down and making sure it inflicked at least a little bit of pain.
"Oww- wait... What?" he asked. "Then how do you know me? And why are you hurting me?"
Men, I rolled my eyes completely clueless!


Thanks for reading
-Max

Hi. I thought this was good and kind of can't wait to read more. (I even voted. ) Anyway, there were a few things I noticed:

Thanks to me, he had a matching one of his neck.

Did you mean on instead of, well... of?

I got up, looking down at myself feeling like a snake.

This didn't sit very well with me. Maybe you should rewrite it.

I had him contained with those chains, that believe it or not those chains can even hold vampires.

This sentence confused the hell out of me; really. I didn't quite get it. Okay, I did, but the wording is what confused me. I would definitely think of some way to reword it.

Other than that, I didn't notice anything. Again, it was good and I can't wait to read more.

Hi there, obviously I'm here for your review, so here it goes! Hope you won't take anything I say bad at yourself, this is just to help you improve yourself

October Girl wrote:I woundered what his eyes would look like...

I think this is supposed to be wondered

October Girl wrote:His skin was light brown, like a freshly baked[b] cookie.

Cookies sounds odd, maybe rewriting that line would do it

October Girl wrote: I should have never taken him, but I was a selfish, not to mention a drunk bitch last night.

This sentence would be fine even if you omit the word "a" before selfish. If you want to, you can also reword everything uo so it would be "I was a selfish, drunken bitch..."

October Girl wrote: I strandled his waist and looked down at him.

I think you meant strangled

October Girl wrote:"What the hell? Get off." he said firmly.

This sounds odd, wouldn't anyone be angry if they were brought to a place unfamiliar to them? He didn't sound like that to me

October Girl wrote:"Did Ainsley send you for my early birthday presant?" he asked.

Maybe you meant present

October Girl wrote: I growled, pinning him down and making sure it inflicked at least a little bit of pain.

I think this should be inflicted

That's all the mistakes I saw. Now, in terms of your plot, it is nice, but I would like to warn you about how awfully often vampires are used for a love story. Offering something new to your reader would definitely sweep them off their feet and make them read you work over and over again, not getting bored at it.

I liked your characters, they are very dimensional, the only thing I would like to add is the right use of your words. Obviously you have a broad vocabulary knowledge and wording them appropriately would be your only concern.

Now much is revealed about the plot, which is understandable for this is the first installation. Over all this is great, continue this! If you like, you can send me a PM if you post the next part and I will be more than happy to review it again.