Topic ID: 452
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
uniaeca
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Dec 2004
Posts: 169
Reviews: 14
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:29 pm Post subject: Helpless Without My Friends |
 |
|
Here's my poem all ready for the nice critiscm it's going to be put through. Oh woe what have I done! Lol, enjoy!
I’m sitting here believing, I’m bleeding,
And I’ve lost my soul again.
Can’t help it I’m helpless
In a world without no friends,
Without no friends, without no friends
They’re important, but they’re gone
I wont see my friends no more.
Then the new ones become the old ones,
I’ve moved on yet again.
We wont write, I wont see
Can’t tell those lies but I wont deny
The chances are so slim.
I’ll remember, forever
You’ll always lie within.
Cause we were friends.
In this lifetime
Forever you’re within.
And I’ll pray that we will meet,
Once more, and again we will see…
Each other. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
Master of the Forum
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1907
Reviews: 303
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Right, I'ma go through the poem systematically for once. Here goes.
I didn't like the repetition of "without no friends" (which should anyway, gramatically, be "without ANY friends", I didn't find it effective in this case.
"I won't see my friends no more" should be "I won't see my friends anymore".
"Won't", not "wont"
I think it would be more effective in the last stanza if you took out the ...
Um...that's it! Not bad, and...keep writing!
That nice enough criticism for you? =) |
_________________
Matt.
http://purplezephyr.wordpress.com |
|
| Back to top |
|
Myriadne
Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 74
Reviews: 48
Country: Auckland, New Zealand
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I agree with matt. I really like the last stanza which is where you truly seem to capture the emotion. Fix the grammar and it would be a lot better to read. |
_________________
click here |
|
| Back to top |
|
bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1757
Reviews: 574
Country: My own little universe
380 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
Personally I found it read as a song, which isnt altogether a bad thing. If I were you'd I'd set it to music as is...kind of a country western song, maybe. As a song, its quite good. As a poem...well, its OK, but as has already been mentioned, you need to fix up your grammar and I think you should work on the flow a bit. Read straight (without music, hehe) it kind of falls flat.
I’m sitting here believing, I’m bleeding,
And I’ve lost my soul again.
Can’t help it I’m helpless
In a world without no friends,
Without no friends, without no friends
Brilliant for a song. I can hear the rhythm in my head. For a poem, though, 'no' should become 'my' and I'd scrap the last line altogether.
They’re important, but they’re gone
I wont see my friends no more.
Then the new ones become the old ones,
I’ve moved on yet again.
Again, I'm getting a sense of rhythm that fits a song more than a poem. Have you ever considered writing lyrics? Anyway, I'd alter the grammar here if you want this to be a poem, and perhaps add 'and' to the beginning of the last line.
We wont write, I wont see
Can’t tell those lies but I wont deny
The chances are so slim.
I’ll remember, forever
You’ll always lie within.
'I wont see' trails off without purpose. Wont see what? Who? We know what you're talking about (sort of) but it sounds strange and feels totally wrong. I'd add 'you again' to the end or something. Not sure if I like the rhyming here when you havent carried it through. I'd even out the rhyme scheme for a poem. For a song...again, just right.
Cause we were friends.
In this lifetime
Forever you’re within.
And I’ll pray that we will meet,
Once more, and again we will see…
Each other.
No offense, but that is a crappy ending. For a song it might come off but even so I'm 101% convinced it has to go. There is no splash, just a kind of whimper and it deserves a classy ending. Work on it until it has a bit more of a punch.
Overall, I liked it, but mostly because it came with its own musical score in my head lol. As a poem, it leaves a lot to be desired, but as a song its not half bad. Keep working on that ending! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 600
Reviews: 162
Country: In my only little world
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 2:41 am Post subject: ... |
|
|
| Quote: |
Can’t help it I’m helpless
In a world without no friends,
Without no friends, without no friends |
I didn't like this...The first line was week and you need punctuation. Without no friends is a double negative, it should be without any friends. I don't like the repetition at all, it didn't work.
| Quote: |
| I wont see my friends no more. |
Change it to any more. Add an apostrophe.
| Quote: |
| Can’t tell those lies but I wont deny |
It sounds incomplete, add I in the beginning.
I think that it would be okay for a song, but not great. Also, the ending was really, really weak. I think that you need to do something at least at the end that will sum it up and appeal to emotions.... This poem really didn't make me feel anything and sort of dragged on. I thought that it was good writing, but I really didn't think that it appealed to emotions at all.
Nikki |
_________________
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Xin
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 31 May 2005
Posts: 7
Reviews: 7
Country: The land of Auz. (Australia)
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 8:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Oh woe, they're all bullies, ignore them. I think it was more of a song than a poem though, but I'm trusting you to leave it the way it is. Keep at it girl, I know you've got it in you. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
