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by wisemann210 in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on September 7, 2005
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Untie the Yellow Ribbon
Topic ID: 4495
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VariousUndine   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 7:32 am    Post subject: Untie the Yellow Ribbon Reply with quote

(A tad old, so you'll have to keep the titsy bitsy political sentiment in perspective. Just thought I'd... catch up and say sumpin. Hi all again, I suppose.)



In the grey dawn

Beneath the helicopter sighing

I can’t hear the news

The gloved pallbearers bring

In coffins like music boxes

We wind up to find our grief

Ding dong ding dong surprise



Follow the hollow heartbeats

of this sullen old ghost town

to the inverted center

where the cracked gold bell is found

And if it calls to you

Would it call to you?



In the grey light

Underneath the children crying

I can only see the shoes

The sighing ladies swing

As the ceremony squanders

We line up and begin to sing

Ding dong ding dong surprise



Follow the hollow heartbeats

To where our wasted tears oft lie

To beyond the sunrise

Where the soldiers go to die

And if they call to you

Would they call to you?



Would that the obituaries

Lying there are lying to us now

and the other line begins

to laugh as we begin to frown

would that it were a joke

a ringing of some bell



ding dong ding dong surprise.

_________________
"I know it's not a party if it happens every night/ pretending there's glamour and candlelabra when you're drinking by candlelight/ What does it take to get a drink in this place?"~ The Postal Service, "This Place Is A Prison"
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was pretty good, except this line:
ding dong ding dong surprise.
It's a powerful line, but the lack of commas could make one read right through it... I think it's written well besides that.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a very good poem.

The imagery was great. It really painted a picture in my mind.

"ding dong ding dong surprise." -- Quite and obscure line, but in this case, it grew on me.

The repitition of some lines really set the mood.

Keep it up.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it is very good. The rhyming is very well done. Great imagery too, and i loved the 'ding dong ding dong surprise' line. Also the title was really intriuging for some reason. Nice job.

_________________
Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.

-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 5:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wouldn't worry about the political content or timing of this. Tragedy, unfortunately, is timeless, and you captured it well. I loved the music box metaphor. I found the ding-dongs distracting from your tone.
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This thread was created on September 7, 2005

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