Topic ID: 4495
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
VariousUndine
Junior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 Jan 2005 Posts: 26 Reviews: 8 Country: GGUSD 300 Points
|
Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 7:32 am Post subject: Untie the Yellow Ribbon |
|
|
(A tad old, so you'll have to keep the titsy bitsy political sentiment in perspective. Just thought I'd... catch up and say sumpin. Hi all again, I suppose.)
In the grey dawn
Beneath the helicopter sighing
I can’t hear the news
The gloved pallbearers bring
In coffins like music boxes
We wind up to find our grief
Ding dong ding dong surprise
Follow the hollow heartbeats
of this sullen old ghost town
to the inverted center
where the cracked gold bell is found
And if it calls to you
Would it call to you?
In the grey light
Underneath the children crying
I can only see the shoes
The sighing ladies swing
As the ceremony squanders
We line up and begin to sing
Ding dong ding dong surprise
Follow the hollow heartbeats
To where our wasted tears oft lie
To beyond the sunrise
Where the soldiers go to die
And if they call to you
Would they call to you?
Would that the obituaries
Lying there are lying to us now
and the other line begins
to laugh as we begin to frown
would that it were a joke
a ringing of some bell
ding dong ding dong surprise. |
_________________ "I know it's not a party if it happens every night/ pretending there's glamour and candlelabra when you're drinking by candlelight/ What does it take to get a drink in this place?"~ The Postal Service, "This Place Is A Prison" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum

Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 625 Reviews: 332
193 Points
|
Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 10:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It was pretty good, except this line:
ding dong ding dong surprise.
It's a powerful line, but the lack of commas could make one read right through it... I think it's written well besides that. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Doubt
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Aug 2005 Posts: 84 Reviews: 66 Country: Victoria, Australia 300 Points
|
Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's a very good poem.
The imagery was great. It really painted a picture in my mind.
"ding dong ding dong surprise." -- Quite and obscure line, but in this case, it grew on me.
The repitition of some lines really set the mood.
Keep it up. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
antigone
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 04 May 2005 Posts: 213 Reviews: 168 Country: Woof 300 Points
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Yeah, it is very good. The rhyming is very well done. Great imagery too, and i loved the 'ding dong ding dong surprise' line. Also the title was really intriuging for some reason. Nice job. |
_________________ Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.
-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ieatworms
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 23 Joined: 11 Jul 2005 Posts: 156 Reviews: 93 Country: Where you are not. 300 Points
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 5:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I wouldn't worry about the political content or timing of this. Tragedy, unfortunately, is timeless, and you captured it well. I loved the music box metaphor. I found the ding-dongs distracting from your tone. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|