Login  •  Register



faux amour

   Topic ID: 44322
   Likes: 1
< Return to Dramatic Poetry


faux amour

Postby Audy on Thu Feb 26, 2009 10:57 pm

The cold hurts,

before their bodies turn numb, it devours them
-- chews them up and spits them out until they're nothing
but shattering bones piled up against the wind.

I see them!

Hearts frozen over,
whilst shuddering bodies convulse in the arctic snow,
quivering and sobbing of an empty hurt
unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.

Don't follow!

Passionately cruel.
Like the piercing winter breeze that stabs against their chests.
Help these girls! How they sniff with the flu and dream of the sun,
and all it takes is one fatal touch--
to have them melting at his feet
and call it love.



A/N: It's been a while since I last wrote something xD;; The trigger for this poem? I went to Minnesota to visit a friend of mine and I saw her outside. It looked like she was shivering to death, but she was actually sobbing. In my ignorance I had handed her a scarf when I should've handed her a handkerchief... :oops:
"When writing a novel, that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: 'House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day.'"
-- Neil Gaiman
User avatar
Audy
Senior Writer
 
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Posts: 199
Reviews: 72
72
Points: 1415 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Sat Nov 10, 2007 4:57 pm

Postby Claeren on Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:22 am

This is quite something. I like how you portrayed everything, it really made it feel real to me. Also, I like how you create a sort of haunting feeling about it, making it feel as though something scary or supernatural is happening, like someone seeing the Reaper come for them at their death. Then after the haunting part, you suddenly blow us all away by saying that it's love and making us slap our foreheads in realization, saying "Oooh!" and "Aha!", because we understand where your coming from. It's a great poem, I really like it!

Great Job!

- Claeren
Image

Image

Image

Image

<== Hurry and click, before they all die!
User avatar
Claeren
Senior Writer
 
Age: 14
Gender: Female
Location: My Own Little World v2
Posts: 102
Reviews: 17
17
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:43 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Postby nate.b on Fri Feb 27, 2009 7:12 pm

Now this is a very interesting poem. I love the structure; it looks like a descending mist. The structure alone sets the mood and the tone of the poem is just chilling.

'unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.'

My favourite line!

I also like the two short lines in italics. They really contribute to the atmosphere of the poem.

I really enjoyed reading this poem, well done.

Nathan.
nate.b
Junior Writer
 
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Posts: 38
Reviews: 14
14
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:19 pm


< Return to Dramatic Poetry

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests