Young Writers Society

A stack of opened letters sat in front of me. I glowered at them. It seemed that they were sending out vibes. With a groan, I put my head in my hands. I was loosing my mind.

I had sent out about ten applications to private schools and had gotten back at least eight, all of them declining me. It was frustrating. Why didn’t anybody want me? Wasn’t I good enough? The other two schools I applied for (that I hadn’t gotten a reply from) were Pearmy High, which I knew I wouldn’t get into and Himey Hears High, which I had more luck with, because that school is the worst school ever.

Suddenly I heard a dog bark furiously from the other room. I pulled my hand away from my head like it was suddenly hot. The doorbell rang. Who would come at ten at night? “Bo, shut up!” I yelled at the dog as I got up to get the door.

The black lab met me at the door. He looked at me as if he was smiling, his tail wagging and his tongue hanging all the way out. His tongue was long. I wondered if it could go any longer as I opened the door.

I was surprised to see that it was my Mother at the door. I stared at her like she had four eyes before saying, “Why didn’t you unlock the door and come in with your key? You know, they key that opens the door to the house that you just had to have.”

She rolled her eyes. “Hey, I left my house key on the table.” I didn’t know why she always did that to herself. Be so unorganized, I mean. All of her keys aren’t on one key ring; she has more like twenty of them, each of them containing only one or two keys. So then she has to carry twenty key rings and then when she’s trying to find the key for the house or the car and we have to wait a half an hour. That’s why I have my own set of keys to everything. Including the car. “Anyways,” she continued, “I guess I won’t deliver the news to you since you are being so snotty.”

I knew she was joking. You could tell when she was happy and when she wasn’t, clearly by her actions and the tone of her voice. “Me snotty? Never!” I pretended to be horrified. “What news? Good or bad?”

“Oh, good, of course, silly! Why else would I be happy?” She produced a big white envelope from her bag (she carries this huge bag, considering she has all of those key rings to carry and other various items) and handed it to me. I slowly opened. I read it once. Twice. Three times. I was that shocked, I had to make sure that it said the right thing. Could I have read wrong? No, I couldn’t have because why else would Mom be so happy?

“Ohmygosh!” I said and started jumping up and down.

“I know! Congratulations on getting accepted into the best school ever, Pearmy High!” She gave me a huge hug and then we went inside, because it was getting chilly outside.

Once we were in, Mom was on the phone, making calls to everyone she knew, whether she liked them or not. She put it on speaker so I could hear. We were giggling so much the whole time, they people on the other line couldn’t understand us, so either they hung up on us, disgusted, or we would hang up on them and roll on the floor, laughing at nothing in particular.

The whole time, I was thinking, how could this happen to me? Is this a joke? I must be the luckiest girl alive. Me, Rylee Ronize, got accepted to Pearmy High, the best private school around!

Time passed by quickly and soon, we were exhausted by the good news and our great time. It didn’t take long before I was dead asleep.

**

It seemed that news passed by quickly that I got accepted to Pearmy High, which was very rare. I couldn’t remember the last time I heard the news that somebody around here got accepted into that school.

There were definitely a lot of parties. And getting drunk. Not that I drank, I mean it’s illegal for a minor to drink alcohol. I’m only fourteen. Okay, I admit I only took a few drinks of wine but it was mostly disgusting. How can people say that it tastes good?

Accompanying the flying news, the time seemed to fly by much more quickly. Three months were gone, feeling only like one month, and soon it was the beginning of the school year. My first day at Pearmy High.

Let me first get a few things out of the way, before I say what I thought of the story overall:

I was loosing my mind.

losing*

Pearmy High, which I knew I wouldn’t get into and Himey Hears High,

I'd suggest putting a comma between 'into' and 'and'


And there was one place where you said 'they' when you meant 'the' but I can't find it right now. Just have a look through and correct it.

Anyway, now that we've gotten the minor things out of the way, I have to say that I did not like this. I will assume, since this is in the Fantasy Fiction section, that the story is about more than a girl going to some fancy school, but until I see what exactly is supposed to happen, all I will say is that this introduction, while setting the scene quite well, is uninteresting. If it weren't for the location in fantasy, I would simply say that I don't like your story. However, since I can assume it will eventually lead somewhere very different, I can only say that I don't like the introduction.

First of all, you should know that I haven't read a fantasy novel in years, so I'm by no means an expert on the subject. It does strike me that writers of stories that are fantasy but begin in real-life have an inherent problem, because they have a lot to do before introducing readers to the fantasy elements of their book, but surely there is a good way to do it. One way to remedy a lackluster beginning is starting your story further along in the chain of events, though I'm not sure if that will work here without more information on where you're taking this. Perhaps if you start your story when Rylee gets to the fancy school, that might help a bit, because right now it's as interesting as opening my own mail.

All that being said, you should definitely keep going with this, and I'll be happy to come back and look at your work again if you want, once it picks up a bit in the action. If you have any questions or anything you can PM whenever you like.

-O

I was loosing my mind.

losing

Suddenly I heard a dog bark furiously from the other room. I pulled my hand away from my head like it was suddenly hot. The doorbell rang. Who would come at ten at night? “Bo, shut up!” I yelled at the dog as I got up to get the door.

You use suddenly twice in that sentence. Suggestion: "A dog barked so loud in echoed throughout the house." Avoid using adverbs whenever possible. Don't tell, SHOW. And don't worry it's a mistake most writers make on their first draft. I was an adverb maniac most everyone goes a little crazy with adverbs when they write.

You know, they key that opens the door to the house that you just had to have.”

I think you mean "the" not "they".

I'm currently wondering where the story is going and how it is a fantasy, but it's got me curious which is good.

Hey, here I am *cheers* First of all, this is a fantasy, right? Just checking, just checking...
Oh yeah! I'm supposed to be reviewing. Right... I knew that... Uh... Here it goes...
I guess I'll start by mercilessly ripping it apart (in the most loving and nurturing way, of course).
*grabs chainsaw*
Let's get going!


nit-picks:

It seemed that they were sending out vibes.

What kind of vibes? Eerie? Contemptible? Scornful? Teasing? Chocolate? You might want it to be a little more specific.

I was loosing my mind.

"loosing" should be "losing" unless you meant that she was loosening her hold on her mind instead of losing it...

The other two schools I applied for (that I hadn’t gotten a reply from) were Pearmy High, which I knew I wouldn’t get into and Himey Hears High, which I had more luck with, because that school is the worst school ever.

Using "()" in the middle of a sentence kind of breaks it apart. I suggest taking them out.
There should be a comma after "into" and before "and". There shouldn't be a comma between "with" and "because".
"is" should be "was" because you need to stay in the same tense.

Suddenly I heard a dog bark furiously from the other room.

Why does it say "a dog" in this sentence? It's their dog, so I think it should be "her dog" or even "the dog", though it's up to you.

I pulled my hand away from my head like it was suddenly hot.

I'm not a huge fan of this sentence... You might want to exchange it for something else. It has kind of become a cliché.

I was surprised to see that it was my Mother at the door.

"Mother" doesn't need to be capitalized.

You know, they key that opens the door to the house that you just had to have.”

"they" should be "the". Because of the "house that you just had to have", you should probably add something about her tone, whether it be sarcastic or harsh, so that we get a little bit of an idea of how she feels about it.

She rolled her eyes. “Hey, I left my house key on the table.” I didn’t know why she always did that to herself. Be so unorganized, I mean. All of her keys aren’t on one key ring; she has more like twenty of them, each of them containing only one or two keys. So then she has to carry twenty key rings and then when she’s trying to find the key for the house or the car and we have to wait a half an hour. That’s why I have my own set of keys to everything. Including the car. “Anyways,” she continued, “I guess I won’t deliver the news to you since you are being so snotty.”

This paragraph is... odd... There are a lot of changes between tenses. Please choose between one or the other before my head explodes Also, you might want to consider taking off a little bit of this and maybe describing the house in such a way that leads back to her mother being disorganized so that it doesn't create an information overload. Also, I think that you make her mother sound too... Informal. You should either try to make her seem older or, if this is how she is supposed to act, somehow describe to us how she acts flamboyant, immature, is like a best friend etc.

You could tell when she was happy and when she wasn’t, clearly by her actions and the tone of her voice.

Hey, don't drag us into this! This is the story of your character! Just change "You" to "I" and it'll be good.

She produced a big white envelope from her bag (she carries this huge bag, considering she has all of those key rings to carry and other various items) and handed it to me.

You shouldn't use "()" in your writing as it immediately pulls the reader from the story. They could easily be replaced by commas.

the best private school around!

Something along these lines is used quite a bit here. You should find something else to substitute at least one of them with.

There are a lot of things that could be improved in the last bit after the time break. You might just want to re-write it. It is, of course, up to you


more general notes:
It almost seems to me that by saying that there was no way that she was going to get into that school, it made me assume all the more that she was going to get into the school. That's just my opinion, of course...
Like I said before, you might want to work on the mother a bit to get her where you want her to be.
Also, we don't really learn much about your main character out of this. We don't really see much about how she acts or feels nor do we get a good grasp of her personality.

Overall, I really want to see where this is going and can't wait for you to write more.

Your bestest friend
-Lydia