Young Writers Society

Any comments welcome, especially on things that confuse you! This is the second part of my first chapter. Enjoy!

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[EDIT: compleatly re-done]
Friggin heck! I jumped, suddenly contempt on finding out what the band was doing around my wrist. I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage. As I moved my arm, the sting subsided. And I finally saw the thing that was causing me pain.
Clasped onto my wrist was a tight bangle, as I had found out earlier. I propped myself up on my left elbow, and held my right as close as I could get it to my face, without blocking all of the light. It wasn’t really a bangle, just a thick strip of stainless steal wound tightly around my arm. Dropping myself carefully, I tore that the trinket, prying it up a couple of millimeters or so, until I could just see the underside of the jewelry. Gasping in terror at what I saw, I reflected on how right it all seemed.
A thin needle was embedded in the bracelet, presently jabbing out a big enough distance to reach my major arteries. Right where the spike would make contact was an open wound that bled surprisingly little. The small amount that had managed to escape my bloodstream didn’t make it much further; the tight presence of the bracelet had acted as a plaster, the blood caking in thin layers in between my skin and the band.
Sick of looking at my own injury, I turned my wrist to examine the other side, where a watch-face would sit. Scratched onto the upturned side was the word “K-13”
K? What does it mean? Is it some clue to my name, my past?
Could ‘K’ be one of my initials? Am I thirteen years old? I thought the phrase over and over, silently shouting them in the deep crevasse that was my mind. I intended on getting an answer, if not, then I didn’t know what I would do, but it wouldn’t be pretty. Despite my tireless outcry, there was no reply, my mysterious hitchhiker was not about to reveal the mysteries of my life, or what I could remember of it anyway.
Tears started to well up in my throat, creating a lump that caused me to gasp for breath in long, childish sobs. After the tears ran out, I returned to my mental list of questions.
The real query that I was faced with now was how to get the band off; I surely couldn’t have it stabbing me again, with who knows what could be on the needle point.
Who would inject themselves on a regular basis, even if the needle had nothing in it? After hours of being stuck on either my stomach or back in a small tube, I was tired, especially after the crawl up the slanted pipe. I was so close to freedom, only to be pounded with more confusing facts; it was unbearable. I was tired of being cramped in a mangy old pipe, I was tired of not knowing who I was, and I was tired of having my mysterious hitchhiker point out instructions, without telling me why.
In one desperate movement, I tore at the band and fought desperately to destroy it. My hard work was to no avail, and I eventually renounced my efforts, after what seemed like an hour.
I flipped onto my front and crawled backwards again till I was ready to drop, and then fought to catch my breath from the arduous climb in the now sweltering heat.
I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads, feeling distraught and drained from my futile attempts at the truth.
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard her voice again.
‘Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all.’
You again? Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?‘Shut up and listen!’ I zipped my mouth shut, and strained my ears, doing as my mysterious hitchhiker was asking, knowing that it was for the better, but retaliating as much as I could bear.
Fine, but can you do something for me? You know; something like telling me what the hell is going on?
No reply came, so I concentrated even harder.
No sooner had I started to focus, did the voices appeared, muffled only slightly by the short length of piping.
I listened intently for what could have been either seconds or hours, as I was too pre-occupied by the conversation to be aware of anything else.
Delighted immensely by what I heard, I relaxed my muscles, which were cramping from my long time in such harsh conditions. Just as the voices seemed to fade away, the bracelet injected its hard stinger into me once more.
“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out. I cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
‘Oh no, you've done it now.’
Go away! I thought back, immediately marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out loud. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
“Hey, what was that?” Came a male voice filled with surprise.
My heart started to thud loudly in my chest. I prayed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Nobody took any notice of their friends’ query, and the crunching of footsteps resumed. Not put off by his friends’ insolence, he tried again
“Up there, I thought I heard some banging!” I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
‘Stay still!’
Nah, I’m just gonna waltz on out there and tell them the whole story! I retorted back, discouraged by the disbelief of her non-existent voice.
No reply.
What is the whole story? What am I? You know… don’t you? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could finally put my questioning at rest.
‘It’s not what you think it is, just shut up, and stop moving around.’
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?
Nothing.
“It’s just a raccoon or something, hurry up” I nearly jumped at the reply, but a part of me was still paying attention, and that shrunk the movement down immensely.
Once again the footsteps resumed, and I counted my blessings.
‘Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.’
Getting tired of my internal friend’s instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rebuttal, I silently bide my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again, frightened that I might be going mad.
I’ll take your silence as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone.
I wriggled my way out of the passage, hung in mid air for a second, took a deep breath and let go of the metal rim.
‘Roll on impact!’

[Thank you for reviewing!]

Hello, can someone please review this???!? I'm getting desperate!

Here is your review! It's a little confusing, but well written. I will read the next parts of your story when you post them up.

A stick of metal just bigger than a pin head was sticking out of the back of my name tag, at once I saw that it was expandable, the same way you pull a radio areal out to get better signal. My mind was working at full speed as I fought desperately to find reason. When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way. comma here

Yeah, a comma.

So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?Nothing.

Spaces are your friends. But I know that's just a typo.

Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again.
I’ll take that as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone; she was finally gone.

Confusing on who is talking. And what did she take as a yes?

Thank you, fixed up what you said. Reviews still open

Hi, I'm liking this part too! The pace is good and I'm definetly intrigued as to what is going on- I've got a couple of comments on possible improvement:

I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads. Feeling distraught and tired of my futile attempts at the truth, I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside.

I was a bit confused as I thought the character was in a pipe so how are they basking in light from outside?

Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all. I recognized the voice as my own, and the same as the guardian angel that helped me in the tunnel.

I think you should put the speech into italics as you have the rest of the conversation that follows.

I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the bare flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.

I'm not sure if you can stop in your tracks unless your walking, and I think you should replace in the bare flesh with something like 'the needle stayed lodged in my flesh' as it sounds like the bare flesh is not a part of the character.

Go away! I though back, immediately afterwards marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out load. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.

Though should be thought and load should be loud. I'm not too sure on the last sentence as well, I think it could be altered to flow easier if it said something like ' but due to the stinger it seemed like ages'.

I preyed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Nobody took any notice of the mans accusations

Preyed should be prayed and I don't think accusations is the best word to describe what the man is saying as he is asking a question. Perhaps comment or query would be better?

I retorted back, awestruck at the disbelief of the voice.

As the character is answering with sarcasm to me awestruck doesn't sound right. Irritated or annoyed would fit better with the characters reaction.

Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.
Getting tired of my partners’ instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rejoinders, I silently bode my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.

The should be then and bode doesn't sound right to me. I'm not too keen on the last metaphor either- that might just be me though.

Overall I enjoyed this part, some of the story can seem a bit confusing so I would work on making it clearer to the reader what is actually going on at each point. I think its an original beginning and I definitely want to find out more! All my comments are just suggestions, I like what you've done so far

Hey, thanks Pippiedooda, I have modified the story, and the thoughts that weren't in italics i forgot to do when I copy pasted it into the box, but thanks for pointing all of that stuff out. ^.^

At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions.

Actually, he never wondered what it was. When something causes you pain, you find what it is before you do anything else, correct? Unless you are in some a dire circumstance, you'll stop and check. And because he was waking up, it wasn't as if he had a better thing to do. So he should have found this in the last part, when it first hurt.

about the length of a pinkie toe,

o.o.... I've never heard it be called that before. Just say your little toe, please. I don't even like seeing 'pinkie finger' in writing.

When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way.

Have you ever worn a loose bracelet? He could merely flip it over, so the needle thing was sticking out, then shove it further up his arm to make it tighter so it wouldn't move as much. It's what I do if I have the misfortune of being made to wear jewelery and it's dangling into whatever I'm trying to do. Also, the needle, when his hand was by his side, would hang downwards, along the skin. No problem.

In one refined movement, I tore at the charm and fought desperately to destroy it.

Usually, trying to destroy something, you don't do it in 'one refined movement', unless you are used to destroying the type of object and have a practiced method. And acting in desperation is nearly never refined.

I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole.

I thought.... wait, let me check....

Without delay, and certainly not without dread, I propped myself up and peered into the light.

It was blinding at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I could make out the outlining of a mangled and scathed body. I looked on in fear as I pieced it all together, the navy outfit, the tattered body and memory loss. It all pointed to one thing.

There! in the last part you said that outside lead to a body. Now it's a construction site? I'm confused!

I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks.

Take the instantaneously out. It's forced and doesn't make a whole lotta sense XD

What is everything? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was.
It’s not what you think it is, just shut up.

0.0 I thought he was pulling the mickey... how could you even answer that? Everything is all the matter, energy, ideas, knowledge, and as yet undiscovered substances that exist....? Be more specific.

I nearly jumped at the reply, but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.

'Jumping' in this context is involuntary, you can't suppress it.

Overall, this is interesting, if very confusing. I'm not sure what's going on, and information from this part seems to contradict information from the last. Not good.
But, clearing this up a little, this could work. Just be careful not to have these parts too disjointed- you want each to flow into the next, until you come to the end of a chapter or section.

I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole.

I thought.... wait, let me check....

Without delay, and certainly not without dread, I propped myself up and peered into the light.

It was blinding at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I could make out the outlining of a mangled and scathed body. I looked on in fear as I pieced it all together, the navy outfit, the tattered body and memory loss. It all pointed to one thing.

There! in the last part you said that outside lead to a body. Now it's a construction site? I'm confused!

Haha. LOL. Sorry about tht, the body she saw was herself, and that's all she saw... I'll fix that up. Thx for the review Nutty, I always get good ones from you!

I lay there for a moment, lost in my reverie, only to be snapped out of it by a sharp pain to my right wrist.
Again! He's going to feel a bit more than mildly saying 'again!'. Now that I could see, I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage, or at least find the cause of the pain. As I moved my arm, the sting subsided. At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions. Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.
As I balanced on my left elbow, I delicately tossed the trinket around. Four fifths of the way around (aroud twice, too closely) was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle, (semi-colon here) this made me briefly remember the comment I made to myself about being an escaped convict, but that was gently tossed aside as the bangle made another quarter turn on my wrist. I think that would be rather important to be gently tossed aside? More like forced out of his head. ) A thin golden plate was secured at each end to the silver. Almost completely flat and about the length of a pinkie toe, it had symbols etched onto the upturned side. I brought my wrist closer to examine what I found out to be letters.
Gently etched into the delicate surface, was the word “Arja”
Was that my name? Is that my name? This is a good way to subtley correct yourself.I absentmindedly wondered as I turned the ornament over, but my thoughts were thwarted before they had a chance to prosper, as on the other side I finally found what the cause to my pain was.
A stick of metal just bigger than a pin head was sticking out of the back of my name tag, at once I saw that it was expandable, the same way you pull a radio areal out to get better signal. My mind was working at full speed as I fought desperately to find reason. When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way.
When you’re stuck in a tube like that, time starts to stand still, but right now, it fast-forwarded at ten times speed. In one refined movement, I tore at the charm and fought desperately to destroy it. My hard work was to no avail, and I eventually renounced my efforts, after what seemed like eons of trying. Your style is so formal, with such stiff words. If this is your character, that's perfectly fine. Good, even But if it's just you trying to sound impressive and smart, it's not okay. I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads. Feeling distraught and tired of my futile attempts at the truth, I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside. Here's a little of the emotion I'm looking for!
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard voices.
Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all. I recognized the voice as my own, and the same as the guardian angel that helped me in the tunnel.

Huh? This isn't very clear. I'd suggest telling us which voice is his own, and which one he recognizing as is helper in the tunnel. Although, that helper didn't actually help him at all. He told him not to move, but why?

You again? Who are you and what are you doing in my head?
Shut up and listen! Reasoning that talking in my head was in no violation to my no-noise contract, but feeling compelled to do what the mysterious voice told me to do, I zipped my mouth shut and strained my ears.

Oh! The stranger's voice is in his own head? Wow. I didn't know that before. You'll want to slip in, right in the first part of this chapter, that your MC realizes that so your readers can realize it too.
No sooner had I started to concentrate, and then voices appeared, muffled only slightly by the short length of piping.
I listened intently for what could have been either seconds or hours, as I was too preoccupied by the conversation to be aware of anything else.
Delighted immensely by what I heard, I relaxed my muscles, which were cramping from my long time in such harsh conditions. Just as the voices seemed to fade away, the bracelet injected its hard stinger into me once more.

You're purposefully not telling us what he heard? Why?

“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out. I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the bare flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
Oh no, you've done it now.
Go away! I thought back, immediately [s]afterwards[/s] marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out load. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
“Hey, what was that?” Came a male voice filled with surprise.
My heart started to thud loudly in my chest, and I preyed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Huh? This is so long, it's meanign is muddled in its length. Nobody took any notice of the mans accusations, and the crunching of footsteps resumed. Not put off by his friend's insolence, he tried again
“Up there, I thought I heard some banging!” I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
Stay still!
Nah, I’m just gonna waltz on out there and tell them everything. I retorted back, awestruck at the disbelief of the voice.
No reply.
What is everything? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was. Her? You should proabbly have mentioned this before, methinks? I've been envisioning a man's voice.
It’s not what you think it is, just shut up.
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?Nothing.
“It’s just a raccoon or something, hurry up” I nearly jumped at the reply, but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.
Once again the footsteps resumed, and I counted my blessings.
Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.
Getting tired of my partners’ instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rejoinders, I silently bode my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again.
I’ll take that as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone; she was finally gone.
I wriggled my way out of the passage, hung in mid air for a second, took a deep breath and let go of the metal rim.
Roll on impact!

Okey dokey! So, This was better than the first part. Much less confusing, with the voice. However, you definately need to make sure that the mysterious voice in his head is in italics, and that the reader can easily tell it's in his head. When she first pops up, I'd suggest commenting on how the voice is female, otherwise the natural assumption is that it's male. Ya?

Where I put 'huh?' means I don't get it. I've noticed that your sentences are oftentimes long and flowy, which can be a good way to characterize your MC's style and tone of voice, but it can also confuse your readers. every once in a while, your descriptions get so long-winded that I find myself having difficulty keeping up.

Now, I'm still looking for that paralyzing fear that he'll be caught. Your MC, no mater how super-calm he can be, is going to be at least a little worried, and he needs to show it. So, I'm going to keep mentioning it until it's added!

Off to chapter Two!

~Evi

Guess who’s back?

Yup. Me.

Wooo ^^

Here it goes:

Again!

Why italics?

I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage.

Bottle? Do you mean battle?

Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.

How would that cause pain? You say it as though it explains everything, but really – it doesn’t. Have your character be confused about this sooner. Yes, you do go on to describe the reasons for the pain, but in my opinion there is too much space between her discovering the bracelet, and things falling into place for the reader.

I absentmindedly wondered as I turned the ornament over, but my thoughts were thwarted before they had a chance to prosper,

Not too fond of “absentmindedly wondered”, nor do I think “before they had a chance to prosper” is ideal description, to be honest.

Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first.

If the characters feet are at the entrance, how can your MC see anything other than the pipe? Unless your MC is folded in half, this doesn’t work.

Aside from that; same comments as last time. Sometimes you’re simply “very” delighted, not “immensely”. You are not a thesaurus so don’t write like one. Using a variety of words is good, but make sure you don't use words that are too big for the occasion.

Next up, chapter two ^^

Obviously I’m still interested in reading on, which is a good thing! Good job on keeping the reader interested, dear.

XxxDo

Here as requested!

Now that I could see, I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage, or at least find the cause of the pain.

How come they can see all of a sudden?

Why do they keep looking at their wrist or refusing to look at it?

Why don't they just gasp/scream? It's a normal human reflex and they are alone in a tunnel.

At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions. Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.

Uhmmm, this isn't really an answer. The bracelet was causing a sharp, stabbing pain? And your character is just like, "Oh! It must be the bracelet! That's totally normal!" It doesn't explain anything to the reader.

Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle, this made me briefly remember the comment I made to myself about being an escaped convict, but that was gently tossed aside as the bangle made another quarter turn on my wrist.

This should be two sentences.

"Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle. This made me briefly remember the comment..."

Alright... most of the other reviewers have gotten the nitpicks (you posted this in a million Will Review for Food threads at the same time, so all your review are basically gonna be the same )

The biggest problems you have are

The Mysterious Voice

I do not understand this at all. When "Voice" talks try to put in italics. I have no idea when the character is thinking or if it is the Voice.

Writing Style

You have a good vocabulary, but you don't have to stuff in "big words" to sound intelligent. In fact, it makes you sound like your trying to hard.

Orson Scott Card once said:

"It isn't the words you use... it's how you use them."

Basically, it is more important to write your words in a good context/order than use complex ones and sound like a fool (no that you do!)

Emotion!

I'm convinced your character isn't human.
They aren't scared in the list bit or confused by the voice. Give them some feelings!

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Here as requested!

As I balanced on my left elbow, I delicately tossed the trinket around.

So, did she take it off or something? "Tossed" implies that it's being thrown in the air. I would suggest re-writing this, making it more obvious to readers that she did not take the bracelet off.

Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain

Fractions can be good or bad in a story. In this case, since you say she only notices the thin plate in the bracelet later, I would suggest getting rid of the fractions and replacing it with something more vague, such as "most of the bracelet was...."

name tag, at once I saw that

Replace the comma with a semicolon

When you’re stuck in a tube like that, time starts to stand still, but right now, it fast-forwarded at ten times speed.

"You're" switches this to second person. I would re-work this to get rid of the "you're"

I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside.

I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard voices.

You're contradicting yourself here. First you say that she can look outside, and then you say that she needs to go feet first because she doesn't have the room to move around. Pick which direction she is facing, please.

Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all.

Italicize this, since it's not her speaking. If you want to make it clear that it's not her plain old thoughts, put the Voice's words in quotes (single or double, it doesn't matter).

Shut up and listen! Reasoning that talking in my head was in no violation to my no-noise contract, but feeling compelled to do what the mysterious voice told me to do, I zipped my mouth shut and strained my ears.

When dealing with mind-speak, you need to make things clear who is talking, since most of the time there aren't that many actions to go with it. Since only the first bit of this is italicized, we loose track of what is going on.

“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out.

I don't know, but if I had a needle suddenly jab me in the wrist I would probably yell. Either give us a very good explanation for her rather non-pulsed reaction, or re-work this so she feels a bit more pain.

as if speaking out load.

"Loud" instead of "load."

Not put off by his friend insolence, he tried again

I don't know how much I like "insolence" in this case. We haven't really be shown or told why them ignoring him would be insolence.

I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.

You've contradicted yourself again here. How can she see outside if there is no room to move and her feet are facing the opening?

I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was.

Who is this voice? First you refer to it as "her" and later in the sentence you call the voice "they," as if it were more then one person.

but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.

"And" is used twice in three words. It's always a good idea to spread similar words out so that things are less confusing.

~~~

Apostrophes- In some places you have incorrect apostrophes. Here is a good article on them. Read the article and then go through this (preferably backwards so you're looking at the words, not the story) to clean them up.

Mind-speak- I like that you're using it, but at the same time it can make things confusing. Something I do when using mind-speak is to have the other person's thoughts/'dialogue' in either single quotes ( ' ' ) or double quotes if you so prefer ( " " ). As for the Voice in itself, I liked it. It's got a quirky nature to it that I'm sure will become interesting.

Character- Like Sakura said before me, I'm convinced your character isn't human. Not just because of her amazingly high pain tolerance, but also because she just climbed, backwards and without hand-holes, at least 100 feet without gasping for breath.

Another reason I don't think she's human (or at least, a non-enhanced human) is that she analizes every measurement perfectly. This can be a great foreshadowing technique, but at the same time, it can be easy to overdo it. Be careful that you're not making her so precise that she's a robot. It would be a little more believable later on, perhaps when she hasn't just recovered from getting hit on the head, but for now, make her predictions a little more vague.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Haha, Lol,, she is an enhanced human... or something of the like. Thanks dfor the reviews!

Hi! I have re-edited the chapter segment, and it is now changed... Thanks for the reviews!