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Micah
Wait for the opportune moment...mate
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 Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 2:18 am Post subject: Eternity |
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Breaking through banks of cascading clouds
a ray of golden splendour shines forth
to look upon an earth so uniquely created
In God's eyes a jewel of much worth
Two sinless beings with no meaning for shame
One destiny: only to serve
Their mighty creator and glorious king
who placed them to work on the earth
But two pure hearts turned sadly away
when sin triumphantly won
Now they uncovered a meaning for shame
when they realised the wrong they had done
For thousands of years right up until now
we too own a burden called sin
Since that day long ago when a lie was believed
and the devil has found a way in
But one day the hearts that are righteous and good
shall see our creator shine forth
to look upon an earth that is righteous and holy
In God's eyes a jewel of much worth |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:35 am Post subject: |
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This was pretty good, but I think you need to work on rhythm and verb tense.
Rhythm example:
Two sinless beings with no meaning for shame
One destiny: only to serve
Their mighty creator and glorious king
who placed them to work on the earth
The second and fourth line were a little off in rhythm. Maybe you could take out 'the' and change 'earth' to 'Earth.'
Verb tense example:
For thousands of years right up until now
we too own a burden called sin
Since that day long ago when a lie was believed
and the devil has found a way in
I'm not really strong on verb tenses... but shouldn't it be 'we too owned' and 'the devil found'? If so, then the rhythm would be off there...
So that's basically what I saw. The poem itself was all right, but it's just what I mentioned above the bugged me. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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For a rhyming poem it was pretty good but it did seemed forced in some places such as,
"Two sinless beings with no meaning for shame
One destiny: only to serve
Their mighty creator and glorious king
who placed them to work on the earth"
It made my tongue go mmmmwwwwwwwwwwyyyyyyyyyyyyaaa |
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Micah
Wait for the opportune moment...mate
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 12:28 am Post subject: |
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| lol. |
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The book to read is not the one which thinks for you, but the one which makes you think. No book in the world equals the Bible for that.
Harper Lee
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water_lily
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| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:06 am Post subject: |
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First off, I love your Johnny Depp avatar. Ok, the poem: It flows nicely and it tells a good story, but watch your spelling.
" realised" should be spelled "realized". Keep up the good work. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:12 am Post subject: |
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| its a pretty good poem, but im not the religious type, so its not exactly my thing... |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 6:18 am Post subject: |
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| I think u should work a bit more on the rhymes. |
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Micah
Wait for the opportune moment...mate
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| Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 12:47 am Post subject: |
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Thanx everyone!!
Oh and water lily, you're the first person to have commented on my av.  |
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The book to read is not the one which thinks for you, but the one which makes you think. No book in the world equals the Bible for that.
Harper Lee
My sites:
http://www.wyattmuseum.com/
http://www.cafechrist.com/ |
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