Hello, everyone! For all that has read Sophia's Suitors, I thank you. But I have come back from several months without revising and started a brand new piece. I am doing a complete makeover for the other story and will have a whole new twist. I hope you do like. Tell me what you think. Enjoy, reading!


This prologue is revised.

Prologue

The red and orange flames bounced back and forth as the they crackled in the heavy silence. The fire flashed an eerie glow as it seemed to crawl upon the floorboard, replacing all darkness with light. Time trickled by and a piece of wood crumbled down, ashen, in the fireplace.
Recent photos of the family; one of the family as a whole and one of only the children, were displayed upon the mantle. In both pictures, the family wore their Sunday best and looked mostly contented with life, though a sadness clouded their expressions. It was as if someone had stolen vital parts from each of them.
Around the sitting room laid the cream colored couches with different sorts of pillows of light colors. A small, brown table where they placed their tea and biscuits. The piano where a family member played a memorable piece for a dinner party. Also the several other furnishings and large, glass windows that outlooked the estate. And next to the fireplace was the broad and wide chair, that the master of the house would sit at.
Except the master wasn't sitting there. Instead a younger girl around the age of sixteen sat with her knees up to her chin, staring intently at the changing colors of the flames.
The young miss didn't hear the haunting whispers outside the walls of the room. They spoke of death as it came closer. Closer as it came, the servants and maids waited in silence. Waiting for the moment that it will soon pass over.
As she waited in the dark, she thought about the dying man in his deathbed. I do wonder when I will be able to see him. Hopefully before the night is over.
Outside the windows, the wind was howling for the bright, full moon. Branches of near by trees or bushes scratched the window, making the girl jump. It is only the branches. Nothing else.
As the cold air sweep through the open cracks of the room, she pulled her tan shawl closer around her thin frame. It is so cold.
Time seemed like it was going on forever, as the girl was slowly drifting of to sleep. I must keep awake. For him. She then, glanced up at the clock hanging over the mantel and watched the hands tick back and forth. One way they clicked and then the other way. The only, other source of sound was coming from the loud ticking of the clock.
Minutes passed by and the creaking of the floorboard surprised her as she turned her head towards the door.
A man appeared at the door frame as he checked his pocket watch. “It's time, Sarah.” His voice was mellow but showed a bit of tiredness within it.
“Yes, brother.” Sarah lifted herself out of the chair and followed her elder brother out of the sitting room.
They walked in silence as the servants and maids watched them make their way up the stairs. Sarah thought about the one man she called a father and how she would react to his condition.
Her father was dying at the age of fifty-four and this night would be his last. He had been a great father and lived a life full of prosperity and was also a man of many possibilities and always watched as new inventions entered the world. Except he was never close to his daughter, Sarah. For business with his eldest son, kept him away from his family and wife.
Her brother then stopped at the last door at the end of the hallway and looked at Sarah. I know what I must do. She nodded and he opened the door.
Immediately Sarah saw her father and quickly ran to him. “Father!”
“He is not doing so well, miss.” The doctor on the other side of the bed, said. “This will be his last.”
With those empty words of comfort, tears were beginning to build up. Her father opened his tired eyes and slightly turned to face his youngest child, “Sarah.” His voice was ragged as it showed age had took over.
Sarah looked at the end table and saw a glass of water. She picked it up and let her father have one last drink.
Her elder brother came by and stood with the doctor. “You wish to see me, father?” She said.
“Yes.” He glanced at his son and back at her, “Do something for me.” He then paused for breath, “And your mother.”
Sarah didn't say anything and waited for him, “Promise me, you will marry one of them.” He closed his eyes.
Her eyes widened at his statement, “Who, father?” Sarah took his sweaty hands and held it close to her.
A moment passed and he didn't speak. Not now. Please, don't go. He then opened his eyes and spoke, “Your arranged suitors.” And at those given words, her father passed on from life.

Hey Merry,

I saw this and I decide to read it again because I always enjoy your piece.

All i can say is Wow. You did so well on the details, that I actually picture the whole thing in my head as I read it.

I noticed that you change the name of the girl. I have to admit that I like Sophia better than Sarah. Sarah is so common, but that's me.

I love the new title, by the way.

Well, pm me when you have the second chapter up.

See ya around.

*Night Mistress~

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! For the review! It means a lot.

Yeah, I spent over an hour writing very detaily. With the name, I wanted to change it. For the people who read the other version or hadn't I wanted and decided to changed everything around. Including names and some problems.

I was actually gonna call it The Devil's Club. Anyway, thanks again!

*Merry

P.S. I will PM you!!

^_^ Hallo, Merry~ Here I am, as requested. <3

My first impression is that the prologue is set up very well, just remembering the events that you spoke of and the premise of the story, I'm rather intrigued to find out how the story will progress -- whether Sarah will agree to her father's wishes, and, if she does, what kind of adventures she'll fall into with her arranged suitors.

There was one common problem I noticed in this piece and that was an overuse of commas. I'm not really going to fix them all, but just try to review where you need them and where you don't, maybe? I'll point out a few as examples too. ^_^

The fire illuminated an eerie glow as it seemed to crawl upon the floorboard. Taking away all darkness with light. Time trickled by and a piece of wood crumbled down, ashen, in the fireplace.

Here, the word 'illuminated' isn't used correctly. The fire might illuminate the floor, but it would maybe 'give off' an eerie glow {or some other synonym that I can't quite pull out right now because it's past eleven and I've been at school all day! Thinking! Teehee~}. Then, you'll need a comma rather than a period before 'taking', though you might want to replace that word with something like 'dispelling all darkness' or 'replacing all darkness'. I really like that third sentence there, though, because I can imagine the scene you describe! ^_^ Beautiful choice.

On top of the mantel, held photos of the recent family. One of the children and one of the family being together. They wore their Sunday best and looked contented with life, yet somehow sadness grew upon their expressions. It was like something had taken someone out of their life and never gave back.

A few sentence-structure problems here, so let me suggest some things and put them all into a reworked passage?

"Recent photos of the family -- one of the family as a whole and one of only the children -- were displayed upon the mantle. In both pictures, the subjects wore their Sunday best and looked mostly contented with life, though a sadness clouded their expressions. It was as if someone had stolen vital parts from each of them."

Even if you don't use this suggestion, try blending the sentences together better and work on the awkward phrasing. ^_^

Around the sitting room was the cream colored couches with different sorts of pillows of light colors. A small, brown table where they placed their tea and biscuits. The piano where a family member played a memorable piece for a dinner party. There is several other furnishings and large, glass windows that outlooked the estate. And next to the fireplace was a broad and wide chair, that the master of the house would sit at.

This passage, in essence, is a great and thorough description of the setting of your first scene. However, there are a lot of subject/verb disagreements, such as in 'There is several other furnishings'. Fix those up and, again, try blending some of the sentences together to make them flow more smoothly.

The young miss, didn't hear the haunting whispers outside the walls of the room. They spoke of death as it came closer. Closer as it came, the servants and maids waited in silence. Waiting for the moment that it will soon pass over.

Here's an example of a comma you don't need! Right at the beginning, there's no reason to follow 'miss' with a comma. ^_^ I like the essence of the second half as well, the foreboding that it brings, but I think it could be cleaned up a little.

“Yes, brother.” Sarah lifted herself out of the chair and followed her elderly brother out of the sitting room.

I don't know if Sarah's brother is really elderly or just her 'elder' brother. Elderly implies he's an older adult!

He had been a great father and lived a life full of prosperity. He was a man of many possibilities and always watched as new inventions entered the world. Except he was never close to his daughter, Sarah. For business with his eldest son, kept him away from his family and wife.

I think that the last three sentences really belong together as one. Separating them into different ones makes the second two rather fragment-y. Haha. Also, what is the significance of the father watching new inventions entering the world? Was he an inventor? Please clarify! ^_^ This is a bittersweet description of his life and should stay intact!

Tears trickled down her pale cheeks as she started to cry. For Sarah would have no guardian to watch over her, anymore.

These two sentences should also be hooked together and you also don't need that last comma. ^_^

Again, as I said, this is a lovely concept and I adore the essence as I read, but it needs some mechanical 'cleaning-up', so to speak. Keep at it, Merry! <3

*Hannah~

Thank you for pointing out the grammar mistakes. I have just revised this.

And yes, I do have a problem with over-expressive use of commas. Even my old English teacher told me that.

Thanks again!

*Merry

Hi
I'm afraid I didn't read 'Sophia's Suitors' which is probably for the best as they likely have a fair amount in common? I really liked this. Your vocabulary, descriptions, imagery were perfect. I felt I was there, which of course is a good thing.
I really have nothing to add, nor anything to criticise, which makes this a pretty useless review, but it is nice to complimented, so here you go.

Lauren

I was so elated when you said I could read it. I felt a little bad, making you go through all that trouble, but I see that you enjoyed writing it.
I enjoyed reading it!
I really understand how Sarah is feeling. The way you described her father's death was very sad.
I lost my grandfather at the beginning of the school year. So I could very well see how she felt.
Great Job, I hope life is treating you well. I'll be posting a preview for Dragon Fire soon and a sneak peak at Blood Reign.
Have a good day!

*lhighton~

Hello, to you too!

Actually I'm changing Sophia's Suitors to this one completely around. Only minor things will be the same. I just wanted something new.

Wow, thanks for the compliment! That means a lot to me.

And no, your review wasn't useless. Thanks again!

*Hannah Fraser~

Yes, I did enjoy writing it and I'm glad you liked it, too. So thanks for the nice review.

And have a good day, too!

Thanks everyone. Chapter One will be up soon or sometime soon!

*Merry

Hey Merry,

Well Hannah already took care of all the mechanical stuff, so I'll just give you a lot of compliments. I really really loved this. It was written well and it was entertaining and didn't give away too much. I find it hard to write prologues and prefaces, but you did a really good job here.

The red and orange flames bounced back and forth as the they crackled in the heavy silence. The fire flashed an eerie glow as it seemed to crawl upon the floorboard, replacing all darkness with light. Time trickled by and a piece of wood crumbled down, ashen, in the fireplace.

I could see everything so vividly. Your imagery was great and it made me smile! Beautiful job.

Tears trickled down her pale cheeks as she started to cry, for Sarah would have no guardian to watch over her anymore.

One thing I will point out that I think should be cut out is this. It just leads way for the prologue to be expanded and you don't want that because you're writing a book that doesn't just consist of a prologue.

All in all, please don't forget to PM me when you put the next chapter up.

Great job,

~Angel

*Angel of Death~

All is fixed.

Thank you for taking your time to read this prologue. It means a lot. Thanks again!

*Merry

Ohh, this was good, Merry! You can really explain things well, I'm not so good with that and find myself often relying on dialogue. I'm glad I came back to read the prologue . Didn't spot any mistakes, so just keep on writing, girl!

Drugs are bad,
Shannon

Hey Merry! Stella here, I thought I'd look at this!

I. NITPICKS

The red and orange flames bounced back and forth as the they crackled in the heavy silence.

I'd actually change your verbs around, they crackled as they bounced back and forth...

As she waited in the dark, she thought about the dying man in his deathbed.

Get rid of dying. If he's on his deathbed, he's clearly dying.

“This will be his last.”

Last what?

Okay....

II. PUNCTUATION

"He's an honoured guest." Said Nick raising his eyebrows.

Is not right.

"He's an honoured guest," said Nick raising his eyebrows.

Is.

"said Nick raising his eyebrows," "said Ellie," "whispered Ben" are all what we call speech tags. They tag onto the end of your speech, see? And they're the same sentence as the speech. If you put a full stop in the middle then they become two different sentences and "said Nick raising his eyebrows" doesn't make sense by itself does it?

Which is why whenever your speech is followed by a tag, you can't put a full stop. It's got to be a comma. Question marks, exclamation marks and dot-dot-dots are all fine, but no full stop -therefore no capital letter.

Remember that and you'll be fine and dandy.

III. OVERALL

It's a good prologue. You leave it sort of hanging and open it for your story, which is really good. Perhaps you could show some more of her emotions during the whole piece.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Hey, Merry! I couldn’t resist coming over here to look at your work after you sent me that PM about all your new stories. They were too interesting to ignore

The red and orange flames bounced back and forth as [s]the[/s] they crackled in the heavy silence.

I would just cross out the “the” like I did above. It isn’t needed.

The piano where a family member played a memorable piece for a dinner party.

I feel like this sentence is a fragment but I know it isn’t. It’s just how I read it made is sound extremely short and not finished. Maybe try to expand more with this or reword it somehow.

Waiting for the moment that it will soon pass over.

I would say “would” instead of “will” here just because you are speaking in past tense and it would make the sentence flow better.

As the cold air sweep through the open cracks of the room, she pulled her tan shawl closer around her thin frame.

It should be “swept” instead of “sweep” Remember to keep your tenses the same throughout

His voice was ragged as it showed age had took over.

This is kind of an awkward sentence. Maybe try: His voice was ragged with the age that seemed to overpower his once strong speech. or something like that. Just add more detail so it isn’t so blunt and to the point.

~ ~ ~ ~

I remember this from your piece Sophia’s Suitors. I could definitely tell that you have done some major editing and it was very entertaining. Especially the last line. It made me want to continue on =]

The only thing I would watch out for in the future is your tenses. They were a little iffy at the beginning. Also, I felt that you did beautifully with the descriptions in the beginning, but I think you should add more towards the end because you kind of tapered off because you were concentrating on the plot. And that’s fine, but you have to have a happy medium, you know?

Anyway, one to chapter one for me

*salsashanno~

Hey, thanks for reading this piece. It means a lot! Hehe. Yes, drugs are bad.

*Stella Thomas~

Wow. Thank you so much for all that you pointed out. I will get to it when I can. Thanks, again!

*ashleylee~

Well, thank you that you came to read this. Oh, and I decided that it will have some elements to SS's. But, not a lot.

Thanks guys!

*Merry

Interesting beginning. You have a really nice way of writing.

So is this also a historical or modern-day Romance? I realize there still might be arranged marriages nowadays, but I just wanted to make sure ^^

I'm looking forward to the next chapter