Turnstiles
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 20
Reviews: 7
Country: New Hampshire
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:34 pm Post subject: Re: A couple of songs.. |
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The Cost.
I know, nothing about you
yet I see, so much in your eye's
All your charms, compell me to follow you
Someday, we'll be dreaming about how
we should be living but for now
please just hold my hand
I'm so lost
But who cares anyway
This is the cost
of all I didnt say
And if I think back
When did it ever, ever matter to me
I think it would work better without the rhyme scheme. It seems awkward an a bit distracting. You have some really good lines in here, like "this is the cost of all I didn't say". The two opening lines work well together and set up the rest of the song well.
Framing, pictures of yesterday
How we looked,what this life has made
Such a pity, time couldnt have given us more
Smoky,tears are all around
Hard to be strong, I'll sing me a simple song
And I hope you understand these words
I liked the line "such a pity time couldn't have given us more". Good verse.
Fly solo
While I let my heart bloom
Nowhere to go
But I've gotta leave soon
If I step away
What will ever, ever matter to me.
I like "nowhere to go but I've gotta leave soon". The rhyme scheme works well here, and also the rhythm seems to change, which would make this a perfect bridge/outro to the song.
Untitled as yet.
Theres a sigh in my step as I listen to these words written by me.
Breathing heavy,still suppressed, feeding the thoughts and fears that haunt me daily
And I'm longing to be saved, snaking through my mind behind the tears I cant hold yet I, see that my heart is strong
Dont ask me why I'm not cautious let me step blindly into towers of empty promises.
It seems like you're cramming a lot of words into each line. The first line was strangely worded. I liked the towers of empty promises line.
With what I have in my soul..I'll show you just what I can do..
If you, believe for a minute
Dreaming souls last forever..they linger in the hearts and minds of those they touched
With fond smiles and wet eyes you'll reminisce..of how...they were
Really nice verse. First line especially was really good.
If I should lie to myself, cloud my senses full of hopes that bleed me
For I know, nothing else, but the light that blinds and warms my fears..
And takes me away from this sour air..
Helps me to be the person I am..
"blinds and warms my fears"... really nice line. I like how you have it hurting and helping you at the same time.
With what I have in my soul..I'll show you just what I can do..
If you, believe for a minute
Dreaming souls last forever..they linger in the hearts and minds of those they touched
With fond smiles and wer eyes you'll reminisce..of how...we were
Good choice to end on.
Both of these songs were very good. The only thing I think needs work is keeping consistancy in rhythm. Of course, that's tough to judge having not actually heard the song. If you have music that goes along with these lyrics, I'd love to hear it! |
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Song Of The Day: "Two Cents Worth" by Kansas |
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