Topic ID: 4219
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Rei
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 Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 2:34 am Post subject: The Human Side of Things (expanded and revised) |
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Last edited by Rei on Wed Feb 06, 2008 11:18 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Griffinkeeper
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 6:44 am Post subject: |
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After the pixies came I started to lose interest.
I mean, what is the point of the story if the protagonist gets everything she wants handed to her on a silver platter? It is okay, if you are writing for six year old girls (boys in general tend to get bored if there isn't some explosion/battle or quest in regular intervals.)
Also, what is with this?
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And there was a chorus of laughter and insults.
"That girl's not just weird, she's mental."
"Did you see her eyes?"
"Yeah. Who has eyes like that?"
"Ha ha! She's so small."
"What is she, like three years old?"
"She must weigh only ten pounds."
"I do not!" I shouted. And that only made them laugh even more. "Shut up!" And then the tears came in buckets. My knees gave way, and I trembled uncontrollably. |
Being called a three year old and mental doesn't phase her, but someone commenting on her weight makes her cry buckets of tears? The attitude change came very suddenly, if it wasn't for the imagination of the reader, the passage would seem overly dramatic.
Purple eyes... ask Snoink about the people in her stories that have black eyes, especially about Robert. Bwahahahahaha! |
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Rei
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:17 pm Post subject: |
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That was kind of the point. It's supposed to be surreal. Besides, you try responding properly to any insult but the last one when they're being thrown at you one after the other. It doesn't work.
If you'll read the entire thing, you'll realize that she didn't get everything she wanted. In fact, that couldn't be farther from the truth. The conflict was not, "How do I get them to stop bullying me?" It was, "How does one deal with the hardships of being human without losing that humanity?" |
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Rei
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| Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Shameless bump. |
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Gazza_14
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Great opening!! Really draws you in, and I instantly felt so involved in the story. The style was hardly unique but it was somehow different and I really enjoyed that. But as someone said, it is easy to lose interest. I also feel that the realization of magic involved was very awkwardly done. I felt the the pixies could've been introduced much more tactfully. Nevertheless, it was certainly enjoyable and I would rate it a definite 8/10. 
Hope I helped. |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Not bad it was a great a great story but to easy to get bored oh well that all 9/10 well done |
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