Topic ID: 4160
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3020 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 402 Points
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:46 am Post subject: for Nick, 'Tendrils of Gaze' (needs work...) |
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You are so very fragile that I feel forced
to suffocate you in bubblewrap and enclose you
in a cardboard box (this side up) and send
you (my poetry) through UPS, addressed to me.
Your small but keen insights make my calloused existence
softer, somehow less threatening; cold days in spring, when
the sun is out but the air still nips is what you remind me of.
you don't even have to say anything, just the tip
of your hat or the wisp of a smile in your eyes
as you briskly step down the sidewalk
makes me feel secure.
And before you go home to a dark, empty apartment,
I want to kiss you goodbye, stop the tears in your eyes,
from the holes in your life that you've hardly
patched over.
And last night, between cooking dinner and calling a friend,
I prayed that your marshmallow skeleton
would never melt away to the harsh fires of the world.. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
Last edited by Incandescence on Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:59 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 3023 Reviews: 1160 Country: If I told you I would have to kill you 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:58 am Post subject: |
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You are so very fragile that I feel forced
to suffocate you in bubblewrap and enclose you
in a cardboard box (this side up) and send
you (my poetry) through UPS, addressed to me.
tsk tsk tsk naughty little you
poor mail man
nice work you sack of brad |
_________________ http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php
Ralphie: Ahh! It's half wolf, half refrigerator!
“Eventually shooting stars will burn out.”
Help the Revolution: http://noporntube.freeforums.org/portal.php |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3020 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 402 Points
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 8:00 am Post subject: |
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Is this too short, too sympathetic, or just bad all around? I can't decide.
Nick's picture is on my blog. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 3023 Reviews: 1160 Country: If I told you I would have to kill you 300 Points
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3020 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 402 Points
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 9:35 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, I am. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Sam
axis of evil, BRB Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4909 Reviews: 1251 Country: 'mreeka 326 Points
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 1:18 am Post subject: |
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| The last stanza made me laugh...marshmallow...hehe. Maybe something like 'wax'? I'm not sure. The marshmallow makes it sound très stupid. |
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
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emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum

Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 626 Reviews: 332
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 1:51 am Post subject: |
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| Eh... It was kind of sappy... I know, I shouldn't be one to talk about sappiness... Lovely, I guess I can say, yet it made me laugh throughout... but it's not bad or short. |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1613 Reviews: 660 Country: It's Complicated. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 2:29 am Post subject: |
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hm...who is this Nick...
*goes to brads blog* |
_________________ "I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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