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The Rogue ~ Prologue

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The Rogue ~ Prologue

Postby Merry_Haven on Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:35 pm

For everyone who had checked this part out, I decided to not to put it in historical fiction. Because it has romance in it, I decided to place this story in the Romance genre, tab.  

 

Any type of reviews are greatly appreciated. Anyway, enough of me. Enjoy, reading! 

 

Revised. 

 

Prologue  

 

During the Winter of the year 1806, the temperature for the season was frigid and the lakes were frozen solid.  

The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind spooked the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.  

Servants and maids quickly scampered by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house. Voices of the young and old bounced throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.  

The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.  

A young girl, around the age of eight, was leaning by the window, her hot breath gliding onto the glass. She took her wool shawl in her hands and lifted her hand up on the window, making circles. She pulled her small hand back, after she grew tired of her idle pursuit, wrapping her arms around herself.  

She lifted herself up on her toes and peered out the window. It looks really cold out there. I wish mama and papa didn't have to go.  

She didn't noticed the creaking of the floorboard as someone was lightly pressed their feet upon the wooden floor, “Amelia?” The childish voice frightened the young girl as she dropped down on her feet.  

Amelia saw her close friend by her side shivering to death. “Emma? What's the matter?”  

“I'm really cold. Why doesn't spring come?” Emma's innocent voice was dropping lower to a whisper.  

“I don't know, Emma.” Amelia gently placed her arm around Emma's back, pulling her in closer.  

Emma's light pink lips curved up a half a inch, showing her attempt at a smile. “Oh.” Her voice was small as a whisper.  

The two girls waited in the cold for a second then noticed a elderly woman coming up the chestnut, boarded steps. Emma immediately pulled away from Amelia and ran to the lady. “Mama!” Her mother gave Emma, her only daughter, a tight hug. Amelia followed slightly behind.  

They glanced at Amelia and Emma's mama offered her into the hug. I know they always care for me. Amelia's pink lips curved up into a bold smile as the other two wrapped their arms around her. I can always feel safe when I'm around them. A second went by and Amelia pulled back. She then looked up at Emma's mama and asked, “Why does mama and papa have to go to the ball?”  

When she was about to speak as one of her blond curls fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were.  

She sighed at Amelia's question. Amelia had asked everybody why her parents were leaving. “Amelia, dear.” Lady Gray's voice was comforting but concerned. “You know your father got into the party because of his job and it would be rude not to go. He does such a wonderful job that his boss would like to place him in a higher position. So you see, Amelia it is very important that your parents go tonight. And if tonight goes well...” Lady Gray's voice drifted off into something the girls couldn't hear.  

Emma tugged on her mother's evening gown. “Mama, where's Nat?”  

Lady Gray snapped the conversation away from her thoughts, “Emma, he's downstairs. And why don't we all go downstairs and see Amelia's parents before they go.”  

“Yes, mama!” Emma gave Amelia and her mother a huge, bright smile knowing her brother was in the house. “Come on, Amelia! Nat's here.”  

“Come, Amelia. Let's say goodbye to your mama and papa.” Suggested Lady Gray as she departed down the wooden steps.  

Amelia followed her friend's mother down the stairs and walked into the front lobby. “Mama! Papa!” Amelia rushed up to her parents as they were about to leave.  

Her mother turned around, “Amelia. We have to go now.” Lady Ridgeway told her only child.  

“Why, mama?”  

“Amelia, I'm not going to discuss this right now. We have to go or we'll be late.” She said, sliding her other white glove on.  

“Coming, dear?” Her papa asked. “Amelia, we'll see you tomorrow morning.” Her father placed a cheery smile on to brighten his daughter's spirits.  

“Yes.” Amelia's mother turned to her friend.  

“Lady Gray, I thank you so much for looking after Amelia for us.”  

“It's a pleasure to watch her. But you'd better go before the snow builds up.” She gave a thankful smile and pulled Amelia into a motherly hug. She tighten her slender arms around Amelia as she whispered in her ear, “I'll miss you.”  

She then pulled back and gave that same cheery smile as her husbands, “See you in the morning dear.” Oh, I wish mama and papa could stay home. They don't have to go to that party.  

“Bye, bye, mama.” Amelia spoke softly as she was on the verge of tears. I don't want them to go. I want them to stay with me. A house servant gave the Ridgeways their coats, opened the door and Amelia's parents disappeared into the snowy night.  

“No.” At the corner of her eye, a tear dropped down her cheek. “Mama! Papa! Don't go!” Amelia hiccuped as the salty tears flowed down her soft, pink face. Please come back.  

Suddenly a hand touched her shoulder, “Don't worry, Amelia. They'll come home.” She turned around to the happy voice of Nathaniel.  

“Yes, Amelia. They'll come home.” Emma echoed her brother's words.  

She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, “Okay.”  

Nathaniel and Emma, then took Amelia's hands and lead her upstairs. I will miss you and please come home soon. Her thoughts soon died off as they walked up the steps in the Ridgeway household.

Last edited by Merry_Haven on Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Rogue ~ Prologue

Postby KikiSaysRAWR! on Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:32 pm

The glass was getting wetter in the inside[comma] but icy cold to the touch on the outside.

Adding a comma between inside and but helps the structure of the sentence.

Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, one not ever being the same as the other.

"Not one" really sounds improper, so swith the words around.

She then looked up at Emma's mother and asked,


They glanced at Amelia and Emma's mother offered her into the hug.

Saying the "Mama" over and over outside the dialogue, especially in third-person POV makes it look poorly written.


“Amelia, dear[comma]” Lady Gray's voice was comforting but concerned.

There should be a comma between dear and the end quotation mark, since Lady Gray did not complete a sentence.

Amelia it is very important that your parents go tonight[comma] and if tonight goes well...”

Cross out the period and insert a comma and start And with a lower case A.

“Emma, he's downstairsp[comma] and why don't we all go downstairs and see Amelia's parents before they go.”

Same as the last quote.

[quote]She then pulled back and gave that same cheery smile as her husband[']s,[ /quote]
You probably forgot the put in the ' .
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Postby Merry_Haven on Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:52 pm

*KikiSaysRAWR!

Thank you! Thank you! You have no idea how much your review/comment made me feel.

I will definitely revise today.

*Merry
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Postby Night Mistress on Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:38 am

Hey Merry,

I saw that you had decide to post in this forum, when you usually post into the historical fiction.

I do have to say that your story is very interesting. At the end of the chapter, I have this really bad feeling that something is going to happen to the parent and the two children will be ophan.

I really can't say nothing esle since i'm no good at grammar.

Keep me posted when you post again.
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Postby Angel of Death on Wed Dec 31, 2008 5:50 pm

Hey there Merry!

I am so excited to read this!
A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. The faster it came down the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The glass was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.


Okay, this beginning was okay but then it wasn't. Though I know that what you write is going to be interesting, others who do not know your work won't find this to be much of a hook. When you're writing your first few sentences, they must be different and they mustn't start with 'The...' all throughout this because you have only four sentences in this beginning part and it just seems robotic when read aloud.

1. I like the first sentence, so I'd keep it.
2. Hmm? I don't think this is much important. I'd find some other way to describe this.
3. These italicized lines, I think, can be written better.

Here's my outtake on this: A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. They rained down the translucent glass, making the window icy cold to touch..." I know that might not be good but just make sure these first sentences flow.

A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. The faster it came down the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The glass was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.
The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind spooked the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.
The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.


The underlined part could be nixed, especially since something different is happening in both parts. First you imply that it's raining and then you say it's snowing. I'd stick with the snowing bit, but that's just a suggestion.


“Yes, mama!” Emma's sad smile turned upside down. She gave Amelia and her mother a huge, bright smile knowing her brother was in the house. “Come on, Amelia! Nat's here.”


First she gave them a sad smile and then a bright smile? That doesn't transition well. I'd take out the underlined part.

“Coming, Emma.” Except Emma didn't hear because she was already halfway down the stairs.
“Come, Amelia. Let's say goodbye to your mama and papa.”
Amelia followed her friend's mother down the stairs and walked into the front lobby. The first people, Amelia saw were her parents. “Mama! Papa!” Amelia rushed up to her parents as they were about to leave.


This bit was a tad choppy. I'd reword this so it doesn't seem repetitive.

All in all, I quite liked this. I think there could be more hook in the beginning though and not a lot of repetitiveness, but it was good. Please PM me if and when you post more.

Keep writing,

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Postby Merry_Haven on Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:15 pm

*Night Mistress~

Yeah, I know Historical is my thing, but I decided to try something different this time. :wink:
Oh, don't worry about the grammar thing. There will always be others.

*Angel of Death~

I'm glad that you were excited to read this. It makes my day! Haha! :lol: Don't worry I'm definitely gonna have to revise this today. You read this prologue before I even got to edit yesterday. Bad me. I should of edited sooner. :x

Thanks guys, for the helpful and wonderful reviews and comments. I will definitely keep you posted when I revise this part and send in Chapter One. Thank you, bunches of times for reading!

*Merry
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Postby lotti on Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:56 pm

Hi there
I'm going to do an in-depth crit if you don't mind.

The glass was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside.

I don't like this line, its confusing, revise this because I'm not very clear of what you were trying to say here.

The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.

In my opinion this sentence should be
...was frigid, and the lakes were... or
...was frigid and the lakes were...

not one ever being the same as the other.

This is a little to wordy, perhaps you should use "ever" or "being" instead of both together.

The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.
Servants and maids quickly scampered by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house. Voices of the young and old bounced throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.

Ok, this section before the character is introduced, should be reassembled. You should introduce the house name first, so put the Voices sentence first. Then the servants and maids sentence, building atmosphere, which you did nicely i think. And then the descriptive sentences; The people in the house and An eerie, orange glow, should be last.
I just think that would make the section flow better.

After she was done, she gently pulled her small hand back, wrapping her arms around herself.

I don't like the "after she was done" bit, its a bit unsophisticated ruining the sentence. Maybe if you wrote "she pulled her small hand back, after she finished/grew tired of her idle pursuit, wrapping her arms around herself. Well that's how id put it anyways.

I wish mama and papa didn't have to go.

Nice internal voice from this character, mama and papa sounds both oldy-worldy but also childish fitting the epoch and the character

The young girl

I really don't like this, just use she or her or Amelia instead, as it destabilizes the reader from the character. In this next sentence you've used it twice, if you have to only put it once.

someone was lightly pressing their feet

Someone lightly pressed their feet, is the correct tense i think.

“Come in closer, Emma. So we can both make each other warm.”

This sounds a little... saucy, if you get my meaning. I'm intrigued if this is where the romance is going to come from? If it wasn't meant that way then change, but if it was then that was cleverly subtle.

woman came up the chestnut

It should be coming instead of came up the steps.

Her mother gave her only daughter a tight hug as Amelia came by them.

This would sound better rearranged; "her mother gave Emma, her only daughter, a tight hug. Amelia followed slightly behind" so something like that anyways.

When she was about to speak one of Lady Gray's blond curls fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were.

You don't say that lady gray enters which confused me at first with who you were talking about, Emma's mum or lady gray. Or is lady grey Emma's mum ??? I think what you meant was lady gray as Emma's mum, but if you did then introduce her with her name when she is first seen walking up the steps.

sad smile turned upside down.

This is really cliche.

“Coming, Emma.” Except Emma didn't hear because she was already halfway down the stairs.
and
The first people, Amelia saw were her parents

Are these sentences really needed? Because i thought they confused the story and messed with its flow a bit.


Overall thoughts

Well i thought that was pretty successful piece of writing. I want to know where the romance is coming into this though, is it Nat, or who???
It was a bit confusing to keep up with which of the girls thoughts you were on about, especially in the middle. Maybe you could revise this and make it clearer.
Just a little nit-pick; you never say how old Amelia and Nat are? We are lead to assume that they are the same age as the 8 year old??? If so it would be hard to forge romance with such young characters.
I hope this was helpful and I look forward to what you do here.
PM me with the next section.

-lotti
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Postby Merry_Haven on Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:44 pm

*lotti~

All corrections are made. And thank you for the in-depth crit. It helped out a lot.

I will pm you when I posted Chapter One. Thank you, again.

*Merry
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Postby CastlesInTheSky on Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:54 pm

Hi Merry!

I'm really sorry but I can't do a detailed critique tonight, because it's really late and my fingers are numb. So this may epic fail as a review.

This looks like such a cute story. I like the little details you put in -it's details like those which make a story real. You don't need to worry about one of my show and not tell rants, as telling instead of showing isn't a problem of yours. Just try to work on balancing the right amount of senses, description and dialogue. (Okay, that's not a word, but you know what I mean.)

I was having a bit of a hard time getting hooked on your first sentence - and first sentences are the most important, as they're what decide whether the reader is going to continue, or put your book down. You can either start with an anecdote - a wonderful way to capture a character's wit, humor or unique personality. Or dialogue - It's fast and immediately gets the reader into the present action but it must also establish some interest. You could establish conflicts/problems or generate emotion or personality.

Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

Not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later.
Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.


Some of the dialogue was maybe a bit flat - try to make it more interesting for the reader, more exciting. Pay attention to conversations, be they your own or other people's. Make sure that the personality of your character shows in their talking and keep in mind that dialogue is one key factor to making your characters real, unless you intentionally include no dialogue in your story. Writing good dialogue is difficult. Examine movies and plays that you find realistic, memorable, etc.

Good luck!

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Re: The Rogue ~ Prologue

Postby 200397 on Thu Jan 01, 2009 3:31 am

During the [s]W[/s] winter of the year 1806, the temperature for the season was frigid and the lakes were frozen solid. Good beginning, though I think you might be able to come up with one more . . . captivating.

The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the [wind] You said "wind" in the last sentence. Maybe substitute it with "torrent" or something. :) spooked the horses [s]that were inside the barn.[/s] in the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.

Servants and maids quickly scampered by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house. You hadn't mentioned a house. In fact, you hadn't describe the setting at all. Voices of the young and old [s]bounced[/s] echoed throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.

[s]The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside.[/s] It was almost impossible for the servants of the house to stay warm; the harsh winds and foul weather outside seemed to creep into the house from every open crevice left unchecked. [s]The fireplace in every room was lit[/s] Fireplaces were lit and roaring in every room and white candles were put out to [s]replace[/s] repel the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.

A young girl, around the age of eight, was leaning by the window, her hot breath gliding onto the glass. She took her wool shawl in her hands and lifted her hand up on the window, making circles. She pulled her small hand back, after she grew tired of her idle pursuit, wrapping her arms around herself.

She lifted herself up on her toes and peered out the window. It looks really cold out there. I wish Mama and Papa didn't have to go.

She didn't noticed the creaking of the floorboard as someone was lightly pressed their feet upon the wooden floor, “Amelia?” The childish voice frightened the young girl as she dropped down on her feet.

Amelia saw her close friend by her side shivering to death. “Emma? What's the matter?”
“I'm really cold. Why doesn't spring come?” Emma's innocent voice was dropping lower to a whisper.

“I don't know, Emma.” Amelia gently placed her arm around Emma's back, pulling her in closer.
Emma's light pink lips curved up a half a inch, showing her attempt at a smile. “Oh.” Her voice was [s]small as a whisper.[/s] little more than a whisper.

The two girls waited in the cold for a second [s]then noticed[/s] before a elderly woman [s]coming[/s] came up the c[hestnut, boarded steps]. I don't get this. Chesnut, boarded? what does that mean? Emma immediately pulled away from Amelia and ran to the lady. “Mama!” Her mother gave Emma, her only daughter, a tight hug. Amelia followed slightly behind.

They glanced at Amelia and Emma's mama offered to take her into the hug. I know they always care for me. Amelia's pink lips curved up into a [s]bold[/s] smile as the other two wrapped their arms around her. I can always feel safe when I'm around them. A second went by and Amelia pulled back. She then looked up at Emma's mama and asked, “Why does Mama and Papa have to go to the ball?”
When she was about to speak as one of her blond curls fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were. Who? The woman or Amelia? It is unclear.

She sighed at Amelia's question. Amelia had asked everybody why her parents were leaving. “Amelia, dear.” Lady Gray's voice was comforting but concerned. “You know your father got into the party because of his job and it would be rude not to go. He does such a wonderful job that his boss would like to place him in a higher position. So you see, Amelia it is very important that your parents go tonight. And if tonight goes well...” Lady Gray's voice drifted off into something the girls couldn't hear.

Emma tugged on her mother's evening gown. “Mama, where's Nat?”

Lady Gray snapped the conversation away from her thoughts, “[s]Emma, h[/s] He's downstairs. [s]And w[/s] Why don't we all go downstairs and see Amelia's parents before they go?

“Yes, Mama!” Emma gave Amelia and her mother a huge, bright smile, knowing her brother was in the house. “Come on, Amelia! Nat's here.”

“Come, Amelia. Let's say goodbye to your mama and papa[s].” S[/s] ," s[/b]uggested Lady Gray as she departed down the wooden steps.

Amelia followed her friend's mother down the stairs and walked into the front lobby. “Mama! Papa!” Amelia rushed up to her parents as they were about to leave.

Her mother turned around, “Amelia. We have to go now,” Lady Ridgeway told her only child.
“Why, Mama?”
“Amelia, I'm not going to discuss this right now. We have to go or we'll be late.” She said, sliding her other white glove on.

“Coming, dear?” Her papa asked. “Amelia, we'll see you tomorrow morning.” Her father placed a cheery smile on to brighten his daughter's spirits.

“Yes.” Amelia's mother turned to her friend.
“Lady Gray, I thank you so much for looking after Amelia for us.”

“It's a pleasure to watch her. But you'd better go before the snow builds up.” She She as in Lady Gray or Amelia's mother? gave a thankful smile and pulled Amelia into a motherly hug. She tighten her slender arms around Amelia as she whispered in her ear, “I'll miss you.”

She then pulled back and gave that same cheery smile as her husbands, “See you in the morning dear.” Oh, I wish mama and papa could stay home. They don't have to go to that party.

“Bye-bye, Mama.” Amelia spoke softly as she was on the verge of tears. I don't want them to go. I want them to stay with me. A house servant gave the Ridgeways their coats, opened the door and Amelia's parents disappeared into the snowy night.

“No.” At the corner of her eye, a tear dropped down her cheek. “Mama! Papa! Don't go!” Amelia hiccuped as the salty tears flowed down her soft, pink face. Please come back. If her father is a successful . . . whatever he is, then shouldn't he be going to these parties often? Why would it upset Amelia so?

Suddenly a hand touched her shoulder, “Don't worry, Amelia. They'll come home.” She turned around to the happy voice of Nathaniel.

“Yes, Amelia. They'll come home.” Emma echoed her brother's words.
She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, “Okay.”
Nathaniel and Emma, then took Amelia's hands and lead her upstairs. I will miss you and please come home soon. Her thoughts soon died off as they walked up the steps in the Ridgeway household.


This is good. It's very well written, and you capture the spirit of the children very well. But I don't see the point in this. Do her parents come back? Why was she so upset about them leaving? It was just a party. I hope you can clear these things up. :)

Hope my suggestions were helpful! :D

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Postby Merry_Haven on Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:33 pm

*CastlesInTheSky~

Oh, don't worry if you can't do the detailed critique. I don't want your fingers to get more numb. I thank you, for all the pointers, and I will try my best some time soon to work on this.

*200397~
Thank you for taking time to read this prologue. The thing about Amelia's parents will be cleared up in chapter one.

Thank you guys, again! You have helped me out so much. And I will get to the revising as soon as I can. Thank you!
*Merry
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Postby Bittersweet on Sat Jan 24, 2009 7:08 am

Hiya Merry! :D Eeee, I'm really excited to review this. But I apologize in advance if I make no sense. It's kind of late. I also apologize if I'm repeating the other people, because I didn't take the time to read through their comments. xD

Anywhoo, first the nitpicks:

During the Winter of the year 1806, the temperature for the season was frigid and the lakes were frozen solid.


This sentence is a little boring for the first sentence of the story. It's not bad, but it sounds a bit more like it's the first sentence of an essay rather than a story. Maybe find a way to show us that it's 1806, or that the season was frigid instead of informing us straight away?

Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.


For some reason this bothers me a little. I suppose it's because the reader's already know that snowflakes have no other matches in their patterns. What if you instead described the patterns? Just make sure, if you do take that suggestion, that the description isn't lengthy. No more than a sentence. ;)

An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.


Get rid of the comma between 'eerie' and 'orange'. It disrupts the flow. I also feel like 'showing' isn't the best word choice for that description.

She took her wool shawl in her hands and lifted her hand up on the window, making circles.


This line stood out to me at once because it confused me. I can't imagine the action clearer. Was she wearing the shall before you put it in her hands? How can she lift her hand to the window if she's holding the wool? Just clarify what you, as the writer, imagined originally. :P

It looks really cold out there. I wish mama and papa didn't have to go.


Because you don't have 'my' in front, 'mama and papa' should be 'Mama and Papa' since it's like you're calling them by their names.

She didn't noticed the creaking of the floorboard as someone was lightly pressed their feet upon the wooden floor, “Amelia?”


The part in bold doesn't make any sense. I'm sure it's just a silly typo. I do those all the time. ;) Also, the sentence does not need to end in a comma. It should be a period. So it should look like '"...upon the wooden floor. "Amelia?"'

When she was about to speak as one of her blond curls fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were.


Er... what?

“Come, Amelia. Let's say goodbye to your mama and papa.” Suggested Lady Gray as she departed down the wooden steps.


I've noticed you have really strange sentence structure. When there is dialogue and you have something like "he said", "she gasped", "he snapped" tacked on to it, the punctuation just before the ending quotation mark should be a comma, unless the sentence is a question or exclamatory. The letter after the ending quotation mark should me lower case unless a name. So that sentence should look like '"... your Mama and Papa," suggested Lady Gray...'

Her mother turned around, “Amelia. We have to go now.” Lady Ridgeway told her only child.


Same instance here, only another problem along with it. The dialogue should look like '"Amelia, we have to go now, " Lady...'. In addition, you seem to be ending the sentence before the dialogue with commas when it should be periods. It should be "Her mother turned around."
____

Yay, the nitpicks are over! :D Now into the more in-depth stuff.


Punctuation & Grammar: Your sentence structure is really odd. I did not point out every single punctuation and grammar mistake, but the ones that I did you really need to pay attention to in your writing. I think if you read some modern literature and observed closely to how they use periods and commas and all that stuff, you will benefit from it a lot. That's how I learned half the stuff I know about this matter. :P

Dialogue: It's a little flat, but generally good! Work on making it a little more interesting!

Characters: While Amelia already shows some signs of character development, the other characters seem robotic. Make them stand out too! Also, about Amelia. She seems vastly immature for an eight year old. I did not cry and beg for my mommy and daddy not to leave when I was eight. That's what three year-old toddlers do. How come she's reacting so childishly when her parents are only going out to a ball for a couple of hours and nothing more?

Overall: I know I've seemed harsh throughout this crit, but I didn't mean to be! This story's really good already! I see a very excellent idea forming. I'm really excited to read more. I do think, however, that this prologue is a little tedious. Prologue's should be short and concise. Don't dump information on us even in the prologue! :P It's okay if we don't fully understand what's going on. I think you should shorten your prologue and cut out any unnecessary info. Otherwise, this story is so very good and fun to read! I shall continue it in the morning! :D

Again, I apologize so much if I sounded harsh in any way! xD I hope the overwhelming size of this crit is not too much for you to handle! :P

-Holly
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
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and they all fall down.
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Postby pink_09 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 5:38 pm

I loved the piece, it can go far, you have some gramatical errors, but overall i had good details that i saw it kept my attention
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Postby Merry_Haven on Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:49 pm

*Bittersweet~
Thank you so much for critiquing this. I will use your pointers when I come back from shopping.

Oh, and I know that this prologue is really bad. *bad Merry* I just gotta take time and figure how to write this to make it better.

*pink_09~
Well, thank you for saying you loved this. And I'm glad it has caught your attention. Means a lot to me.

Thanks guy, again!

*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<
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Postby Hannah on Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:54 am

Merry! It seems like you've gotten a lot of critiques on this work already! ^_^ I'll just point out some general things, then, rather than going through it all in detail. C:

The first thing I noticed is a few 'linking verb' sentences in a row that really stood out. For example:

The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind spooked the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.


and..

The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold.


Using linking verbs rather than action verbs really takes a lot of power out of your writing! Try using things like 'The people in the house -did something blahblah- to try to get warm' or 'The servants LIT fireplaces in every room and PUT OUT white candles to dispel the cold.' See what I mean? ^_^

She took her wool shawl in her hands and lifted her hand up on the window, making circles. She pulled her small hand back, after she grew tired of her idle pursuit, wrapping her arms around herself.

She lifted herself up on her toes and peered out the window.


I'm sure you can see what I'm going to comment on here. Using 'she' to start all three sentences, right in a row, gets REALLY repetitive! ^_^ Try switching some of the sentences up some more so it doesn't seem so choppy!

Other than that, it seems pretty good -- some places need cleaning up but it's a pretty good prologue. The only problem is that it doesn't really give a hint as to what action is coming up in the story! You might want to put at least a little taste of something in there to get readers interested. ^_^

Good work, Merry. <3
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