To everyone who read my bio from my profile they would know that this is or was (still in writing it) my Nano novel. I decided for awhile that I just didn't want to do NaNo this year.

[b]Anyway, this novella, novel, story, or anyway you wanna put it is going to be under Romantic fiction. I couldn't decide on either that or Other. Oh, I know the prologue is historical-based but this novel has a bit of time travel within it.

Just to let you guys know, I haven't posted anything in a month or two. So this is gonna be kinda new, all over again. Enough with my babbling, here's my long prologue...[/b]

Revised

December 19th, 1899

Time. It comes in different forms, shapes and sizes. We can't see it or feel it. Instead, imagine it pass through our fingers as we grow up. It's with us through the past, present and future.
Our lifetime can be filled with many things, no matter what the consequences are. Yet, can fate control our destiny? Or can we control it ourselves?
White snow trickled down from the sky as they plunged down into odd shapes and sizes onto the cobblestone streets of London. Black carriages clattered by, as mysterious stranger waited in the dark.
Lightly placing my fingers onto the dark colored seal I peered into the glass window. The glass wasn't fully covered with white frost as I saw no street lamp hanging over him.
All I could see through the slits of my eyes, was something silver shining from his hands. It didn't matter what he was doing, because where I was, was at a safe and private party.
I was upstairs in one of the ballrooms, as I glanced away from the window. Patting my pale pink and white gown with my satin white gloves, I lifted the side of my lip into a contented smile.
The rush of bewilderment filled me, as I was at one of the most expensive estates in London. Instead of being thrilled of being here, I couldn't care one bit. I would choose the sea, the mountains and forest, or even travel to America, then be here.
The grand estate of the Hampton's was holding one its lavish balls of the season. Everyone of high rank in society was invited. Invitations were sent out months ago for this very special day. A day that marked its coming out for two extraordinary young girls.
The coming out of the Hampton twins was planned to be a spectacular and wonderful evening. Since the moment they both turned sixteen, their idea of a ball would be magnificent and glorious. Both Agatha and Adeline Hampton knew that this was their only chance of making it out into the high society of London. They both wished that handsome bachelors would ask them to dance all night long and ladies would gossip how brilliant they were at their arrangement of the elegant evening.
This was an elegant evening, by any means, as the two girls would soon be out joining the rest of society.
Hearing the same thing over and over again by Agatha and Adeline everyday for the past several months, I grew tired even before the ball started. I knew they wanted this so badly and their mother, Lady Lila would do anything to make them happy. I just didn't know how their older brother, Peter, handled this, because he lived in the same household.
The night was still young and the twins wouldn't come out until their father, Lord Charles Hampton, would propose a toast to his very special daughters. The moment he would do it, Agatha and Adeline would appear, walking slowly down the golden staircase as everyone watched in awe.
Except the time hadn't come, yet, and everyone was still dancing to the music of the orchestra, drinking red wine or brandy in the parlor, or gossiping about the latest rumor.
Looking around the rooms of the large ballroom, I saw my younger sister, Nicole, dancing with Peter. Nicole is only fifteen and not old enough to attend balls. Except my father and mother kept her age a secret and the Hampton's who are very close to us, allows Nicole to attend, only at their balls and our family's. If society found out that Nicole was only fifteen and attended balls, without having her first coming out, everything would be ruined. Rumors would fly and gossip would be spread within the city in only minutes. So the Hampton's and my family kept Nicole at close eye, whenever she was with a gentlemen.
Watching the clock tick back and forth, I noticed that my two close friends walking over to me. One of my friends was Cecelia Camden, who was dressed in a golden gown, had red trimmings and fancy bead work that made her look absolutely stunning. To make her even more beautiful, she was wearing her famous ruby necklace with a gold chain around her slender neck.
The other of my friends was Andrew Lockharte. Tonight he was wearing his favorite dark brown attire. With his black trousers, white waist coat, darkish brown tail coat and white bow tie, he radiated an air of sophistication.
They were both walking, with Cecelia's arm around Andrew's, talking about something that was too distant to hear. When they came closer I was able to make out what they were saying.
“Yes, my dear Cecelia. I do believe you're correct on this one.” As I overheard what Andrew said.
Cecelia's green eyes glistened in the light as she was shocked that Andrew believed her, “You believe me, Andrew? You barely take my opinion on such matters as this one.”
“On what?” I spoke clearly as they came by.
Andrew looked at me with his dazzling blue eyes and spoke, “On matters of the heart.” His voice was crisp and spoke of things that any lady would love. He usually had discussions with Cecelia on literature and poetry, and would talk for hours as the day went by.
“The heart, Andrew? What do you mean?” I asked with a dark eyebrow raised in confusion.
Without letting Andrew conclude what he was going to say, Cecelia spoke for him, “Kathy, he's talking about Peter Hampton and your sister, Nicole.”
“What about Peter and Nicole?”
“I agreed with Cecelia that Peter Hampton has a growing love for Nicole. Not just any love, my dear, Kathy, but an attraction towards your sister.” Andrew said with confidence.
“An attraction?” My pink lips curved up in a sly smile.
“Kathy,” Cecelia leaned in closer while she whispered, “I believe. No, I have a feeling that Peter is courting your sister.” She leaned back, while I stared at them, but not in disbelief.
“Have no worries, my friend. I knew along ago, that Peter found Nicole attractive. It's only a matter of time before we hear wedding bells.”
“Wedding bells?” Andrew asked.
“You knew all along?” Cecelia said in disbelief, “Why didn't you tell us.”
“He-” Except I wasn't able to finish because we heard the sound of clinking glass. Slightly turning my head to my side, I saw everyone gather up in the next room, which was where the largest ballroom was. Turning my head back to face my friends, I spoke, “Andrew, Cecelia. I do believe it is time.”
“That is right, Kathy. Come, take my arm.” Andrew insisted. I took his offer and wrapped my right arm around his, while Cecelia was on the other side.
“Time for them.” I overheard Cecelia mutter to herself. Knowing Cecelia for quite some time, I knew she rolled her green eyes in annoyance.
Cecelia wasn't very fond of Agatha and Adeline, she felt they got their way all the time. The twins, of course, were spoiled from their mother. Whenever they wanted dresses, jewelery, chocolates, or even men, Lady Lila would always provide.
For Lord Charles, he always wanted the best for them. A healthy life, enough schooling, a right place in society, an appropriate marriage, a family of their own and so on and so forth.
For Andrew and me, we worried about Peter. He deals with being the male sibling and having a conscious of marriage on his head. Everyone knew, he should of married already, but he hadn't. Peter was a grown man of nineteen and had many skills and abilities that could soon take over the family business.
The Hampton's were famous for their large and expensive grand hotels. With a distant male relative winning a very lucky hand at poker, Lord Charles's social status beamed even higher. He became the new Duke of Westley, and was now part of the Ton of London's most elite families.
Walking into the next room, I saw my older brother with his wife, drinking and talking secretly with her blushing at his very words. My brother, Jacob Hadley who is the new third Duke of Ashford, married Melissa a couple of years ago when I was only fifteen and Nicole was just a child.
My father, Lord Richard works in the financial world with the firm under our same last name, The Hadley's. His firm is one of the largest ones out there in London, so far. When Jacob became of age, he started working in the family business.
My mother, Lady Elizabeth, didn't marry my father for his title or money, but for the love they shared. They are different from the outside world, who only cares for titles and wealth. When they met, they fell in love and had a family.
Lord Charles Hampton was a plump sort of man but wasn't short. He and his wife dressed in the latest fashions and were always friends with the most popular, upper class families in London.
For this evening he was wearing a dark, not too bright orange attire. By his side was his wife, Lila wearing a crimson colored gown.
As everyone gathered around the orchestra, Lord Charles placed the glass on the stool where the conductor was sitting at, “Ladies and gentlemen this is a fine evening for a very special announcement. I first like to thank you all for coming on this crisp night. We all know it's cold out there on the streets of London.”
He paused while some of the men said, “Here. Here.” As they raised their glasses in agreement.
“Now for the event of the night. I like to welcome my two daughters, Agatha and Adeline Hampton into the world of society!”
As everyone clapped, the twins came down in their formal gowns, taking in all the wonder and glamour of high society.
Agatha was wearing an emerald gown with black trimmings and black bows all along the dress; wearing along her neck was an emerald necklace. Her twin sister, Adeline was wearing a dark purple gown with black lace all along the edges, wearing a diamond drop necklace. The moment they came out with their dark hair flowing in curls, everyone was in awe.
“No sir, you can't come in! This is a private party.” The loud, alarming voice of the doorman had an affect on some of the guests. Everyone who was in the ballroom, turned around.
“What is it?” I asked with a questionable stare.
“I don't know, Kathy.” Andrew responded.
“Move!” The powerful voice coming from the front door was coming closer to the ballroom. I slightly turned to my side as I saw that same man who was by the street lamp.
Strangely he pulled out something silver out of his coat pocket as some of the men tried to get to him. It was no use. The hooded man, pointed the revolver to Lord Charles and pulled the trigger.
Yet, I would never have guessed the next events. It was the sound of gun shots that vibrated it's sound off the walls, the screams coming from the twins, and the blood that poured from Lord Charles's body.
“No!!” The cries coming from Lady Lila echoed off the cream colored walls. The moment I saw the blood everything started to become hazy.
I tried to pull myself together, but it was like another force of nature was pulling me away. What could it have been?
“Kathy? Kathy! Are you all right?” The sound of Cecelia's voice was becoming distant as the walls began to spin. My knees gave way as I felt Andrew hold me up.
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion. The voices were becoming distant to hear and then something happened.
That man who had just shot Lord Charles, glanced at me and raised his revolver to the height of my forehead. I couldn't make out the alarming voice of Andrew as I saw men pull the masked man away. Then suddenly I felt something hit me. Pain immediately shot through my body and the next thing that happened was that everything became black.

White snow fell from the heavens as they plunged down into odd shapes and sizes onto the cobblestone streets of London, but no one knew that murder was going to take place in the grand estate of the Hampton's.

This is an excellent first sentence, I love the description&details. However, I find 'heavens' too much of a cliche, especially when related to snow. Maybe just change it to 'sky.' You know best, though.

As black carriages went by, a mysterious stranger waited in the dark.

'Went' is a bit boring compared to your other great verb choices. Maybe, 'rolled over the cobblestones,' 'clattered,' or whatever. It's your choice.

From across the street I saw a hooded man.

This bewilders me a bit because didn't you just mention that you saw a man in a grey overcoat?

I saw no street lamp hanging over him giving him some light.

Comma after 'him'. Also, I think a better way of phrasing would be, 'illuminating his features' or something.

I no idea what it could have been.

You mean, "I had no idea."

The grand estate of the Hampton's was holding one it's lavish balls of the season.

No apostrophe in 'its'. As it's possessive.

Everyone of high rank of society was invited.

Replacing the second 'of' with 'in' would kill the repetition.

A day that marked it's coming out for two extraordinary young girls.

No apostrophe in its.

The coming out of the Hampton twins was planned to be a spectacular and wonderful evening. Since the moment they both turned sixteen, their idea of a ball would be magnificent and glorious.

Yay! A ball. -squeals with excitement-

Both Martha and Molly Hampton knew that this was their only chance of making it out into high society of London.

'The' before 'high' ?

One of my friends was Cecelia Camden, who was dressed in a golden gown, had red trimmings and fancy bead work that made her look absolutely stunning. To make her even more beautiful, she was wearing her famous ruby necklace with a gold chain around her slender neck.

I like this description particularly; it's not overdone but gives us a sumptuous visual image.

The other of my friends, was Andrew Lockharte.

No comma needed.

With his dark brown almost black trousers,

Unneeded info. Just say 'black' or 'brown.'

white waist coat,

Waistcoat = 1 word.

As I over heard what Andrew said.

Overheard = 1 word.

“On what?” I spoke clearly as they came by.
Andrew looked at me with his dazzling blue eyes and spoke, “On matters of the heart.” His voice was crisp and spoke of things that any lady would love. He usually had discussions with Cecelia on literature and poetry, and would talk for hours as the day went by.
“The heart, Andrew? What do you mean?” I asked with a dark eyebrow raised in confusion.
Without letting Andrew concluding what he was going to say, Cecelia spoke for him, “Kathy, he's talking about Peter Hampton and your sister, Nicola.”

I won't quote the whole thing but the entire conversation was great. Realistic, plausible, it flowed well. Very, very good.

The Hampton's were famous for their large and expensive grand hotels. Lord Edward Hampton's family traced back to a century, that no one knows, that had brought fortune and wealth into the family name. With his great great great and so forth grandfather, making millions almost more from a lucky hand at poker, a very lucky hand, their social status beamed higher until Lord Edward became the Duke of Westley. Which made his wife very happy being the Duchess of Westley.

This is a bit too much of the dreaded telling instead of showing. Sorry, I hate using that cliche.


This was excellent, Merry. I'm intrigued and will continue at sighting of the next installment. ^_^

xxx

White snow fell from the heavens as they plunged down into odd shapes and sizes onto the cobblestone streets of London, but no one knew that murder was going to take place in the grand estate of the Hampton's. As black carriages went by, a mysterious stranger waited in the dark.
As Sarah said, that's a great way to start. I immediately want to read more
I lightly placed my fingers onto the dark colored seal and peered into the glass window. The glass wasn't fully covered with white frost as I saw a man dressed in a brown overcoat.

From across the street I saw a hooded man. I saw no street lamp hanging over him giving him some light. Then suddenly I saw him slip something silver into his coat pocket. I no idea what it could have been.

The grand estate of the Hampton's was holding one it's lavish balls of the season. Everyone of high rank of society was invited. Invitations were sent out months ago for this very special day. A day that marked it's coming out for two extraordinary young girls.

The coming out of the Hampton twins was planned to be a spectacular and wonderful evening. Since the moment they both turned sixteen, their idea of a ball would be magnificent and glorious. Both Martha and Molly Hampton knew that this was their only chance of making it out into high society of London. They both wished that handsome bachelors would ask them to dance all night long and ladies would gossip how brilliant they were at their arrangement of the elegant evening. I'm rather fond of this paragraph

This was an elegant evening, by any means, as the two girls would soon be out joining the rest of society.

Hearing the same thing over and over again by Martha and Molly everyday for the past several months, I grew tired even before the ball started. I knew they wanted this so badly and their mother, Lady Virginia would do anything to make them happy. I just didn't know how their older brother, Peter, handled this, because he lived in the same household.

The night was still young and the twins wouldn't come out until their father, Lord Edward Hampton, would propose a toast to his very special daughters. The moment he would do it, Martha and Molly would appear, walking slowly down the golden staircase as everyone watched in awe. I think that's just enough description there, I can see them gliding down

Except the time hadn't come, yet, and everyone was still dancing to the music of the orchestra, drinking red wine or brandy in the parlor, or gossiping about the latest rumor.

Looking around the rooms of the large ballroom, I saw my younger sister, Nikky, dancing with Peter. Nicola, or mother would call her by her Christian name, was only fifteen and not old enough to attend balls. Except my father and mother kept her age a secret and the Hampton's who are very close to us, allows Nikky to attend, only at their balls and our family's. If society found out that Nikky was only fifteen and attended balls, without having her first coming out, everything would be ruined. Rumors would fly and gossip would be spread within the city in only minutes. So the Hampton's and my family kept Nikky at close eye, whenever she was with a gentlemen.

Watching the clock tick back and forth, I noticed that my two close friends walking over to me. One of my friends was Cecelia Camden, I really like that name who was dressed in a golden gown, had red trimmings and fancy bead work that made her look absolutely stunning. To make her even more beautiful, she was wearing her famous ruby necklace with a gold chain around her slender neck.

The other of my friends, was Andrew Lockharte. Tonight he was wearing his favorite dark brown attire. With his dark brown almost black trousers, white waist coat, darkish brown tail coat and white bow tie, he radiated an air of sophistication. He radiated an air of sophistication. I love that sentence, it's lovely.

They were both walking, with Cecelia's arm around Andrew's, talking about something that was too distant to hear. When they came closer I was able to make out what they were saying.

“Yes, my dear Cecelia. I do believe you're correct on this one.”I love the way your characters talk. It's almost posh yet not conceited. Just perfect As I over heard what Andrew said.

Cecelia's green eyes glistened in the light as she was shocked that Andrew believed her, “You believe me, Andrew? You barely take my opinion on such matters as this one.”Again. Simply perfect.

“On what?” I spoke clearly as they came by.

Andrew looked at me with his dazzling blue eyes and spoke, “On matters of the heart.”I absolutely love that line. His voice was crisp and spoke of things that any lady would love. He usually had discussions with Cecelia on literature and poetry, and would talk for hours as the day went by. Wow! I love that thought, it's lovely.

“The heart, Andrew? What do you mean?” I asked with a dark eyebrow raised in confusion.

Without letting Andrew concluding what he was going to say, Cecelia spoke for him, “Kathy, he's talking about Peter Hampton and your sister, Nicola.”

“What about Peter and Nikky?”

“I agreed with Cecelia that Peter Hampton has a growing love for Nikky. Not just any love, my dear, Kathy, but an attraction towards your sister.” Andrew said with confidence.

“An attraction?” My pink lips curved up in a sly smile.

“Kathy,” Cecelia leaned in closer while she whispered, “I believe. No, I have a feeling that Peter is courting your sister.” She leaned back, while I stared at them, but not in disbelief.

“Have no worries, my friend. I knew along ago, that Peter found Nikky attractive. It's only a matter of time before we hear wedding bells.”

“Wedding bells?” Andrew asked.

“You knew all along?” Cecelia said in disbelief, “Why didn't you tell us.”

“He-” Except I wasn't able to finish because we heard the sound of clinking glass. Slightly turning my head to my side, I saw everyone gather up in the next room, which was where the largest ballroom was. Turning my head back to face my friends, I spoke, “Come, Cecelia. Andrew. We must go see what everyone is doing.”

“That is right, Kathy. Come, take my arm.” Andrew insisted. I took his offer and wrapped my right arm around his, while Cecelia was on the other side. Haha:)

“It's probably Lord Hampton making a toast for the twins.” I overheard Cecelia mutter to herself. Knowing Cecelia for quite some time, I knew she rolled her green eyes in annoyance. Cecelia wasn't very fond of Martha and Molly, she felt they got their way all the time. The twins, of course, were spoiled from their mother. Whenever they wanted dresses, jewelery, chocolates, or even men, Lady Virginia would always provide. For Lord Edward, he always wanted the best for them. A healthy life, enough schooling, a right place in society, an appropriate marriage, a family of their own and so on and so forth.

For Andrew and me, we worried about Peter and how he deals with being the male sibling with having a conscious of marriage on his head. Everyone knew, he should of married already, but he hadn't. Peter was a grown man of nineteen and had many skills and abilities that could soon take over the family business.

The Hampton's were famous for their large and expensive grand hotels. Lord Edward Hampton's family traced back to a century, that no one knows, that had brought fortune and wealth into the family name. With his great great great and so forth grandfather, making millions almost more from a lucky hand at poker, a very lucky hand, their social status beamed higher until Lord Edward became the Duke of Westley. Which made his wife very happy being the Duchess of Westley.

Walking into the next room, I saw my older brother with his wife, drinking and talking secretly with her blushing at his very words. My brother, Jacob Hadley who is the new third Duke of Ashford, married Melissa a couple of years ago when I was only fifteen and Nikky was just a child.

My father, Lord Donald works in the financial world with the his firm under our same last name, The Hadley's. His firm is one of the largest ones out there in London, so far. When Jacob became of age, he started working in the family business.

My mother, Lady Deborah, didn't marry my father for his title or money, but for the love they shared. They are different from the outside world, who only cares for titles and wealth. When they met, they fell in love and had a family.

Lord Edward Hampton was a plump sort of man but wasn't short. He and his wife dressed in the latest fashions and were always friends with the most popular, upper class families in London.

For this evening he was wearing a dark, not too bright orange attire. By his side was his wife, Virginia wearing a crimson colored gown.

As everyone gathered around the orchestra, Lord Edward placed the glass on the stool where the conductor was sitting at, “Ladies and gentlemen this is a fine evening for a very special announcement. I first like to thank you all for coming on this chilly night. We all know it's cold out there on the streets of London.”

He paused while some of the men said, “Here. Here.” As they raised their glasses in agreement.

“Now for the event of the night. I like to welcome my two daughters, Martha and Molly Hampton into the world of society!”

As everyone clapped, the twins came down in their formal gowns, taking in all the wonder and glamour of high society.

Martha was wearing a emerald gown with black trimmings and black bows all along the dress, wearing along her neck was an emerald necklace. Her twin sister, Molly was wearing a dark purple gown with black lace all along the edges, wearing a diamond drop necklace. The moment they came out with their dark hair flowing in curls, everyone was in awe.

“No sir, you can't come in! This is a private party.” The loud, alarming voice of the doorman had an affect on some of the guests. Everyone who was in the ballroom, turned around.

“What is it?” I asked with a questionable stare.

“I don't know, Kathy.” As Andrew responded.

“Move!” The powerful voice coming from the front door was coming closer to the ballroom.

Yet, I would never have guessed the next events. It was the sound of gun shots that vibrated it's sound off the walls, the screams coming from the twins, and the blood that poured from Lord Edward's body that made the night horrifying.

“No!!” The cries coming from Lady Virginia echoed off the cream colored walls. The moment I saw the blood everything started to become hazy.

“Kathy? Kathy! Are you all right?” The sound of Cecelia's voice was becoming distant as the walls began to spin.

Then all of a sudden everything became black.

I really like this story. I especially like the conversations between the characters, and the dialect. I definetly want to read more. Sorry I couldn't be of much help but it really is very good. You have these moments of sheer perfection, these single sentences that send me deeper into your world. Well done, I want to read more

Hahah I really love your profile picture too. Sorry if that was strangely random I just had to say it

CastlesInTheSky-
Thank you, Sarah. Your criticism has helped, so much. When I'm done reviewing your story Broken, I will come back and edit and revise. So thanks, again!

Lost_in_dreamland-
Haha!! You seriously make me laugh and smile. I just love you comments. When I have edited this prologue, I will post chapter one.

Thanks guys! You seriously have made my Thanksgiving even better.

-Merry

Aww you're welcome, Merry. I love reading your work. -clicks gold star.-

Hey, Merry. I know you mentioned something about needing reviews on this so I decided to swing by and take a peek hehe

Without letting Andrew concluding what he was going to say, Cecelia spoke for him,

This is oddly worded. Instead of “concluding” I would say “conclude”.

For Andrew and me, we worried about Peter and how he deals with being the male sibling with having a conscious of marriage on his head.

You have a lot of “with”s in here. I would cut some out and rearrange things to make is smoother. Maybe something like: For Andrew and me, we worried about Peter. He has to deal with being the male sibling and having the conscious of marriage hanging over his head.

My father, Lord Donald works in the financial world with the his firm under our same last name, The Hadley's.

I would either cross out “the” or “his” after “the financial world with” but you can’t have both

Martha was wearing a emerald gown with black trimmings and black bows all along the dress, wearing along her neck was an emerald necklace.

Two things here: First, should be “an emerald” instead of “a emerald” and Second, I could but a semicolon instead of a comma after “dress”

“I don't know, Kathy.” As Andrew responded.

I would say instead: ”I don’t know, Kathy,” Andrew responded.

~ ~ ~

Intense ending scene, but I think that you could have put more fire into it, you know? Added more drama, more description to make it more real.

Otherwise, I found everything to be well developed for a prologue. The beginning was a little flat; just heightening that a bit will help I thought all of the characters were well defined and I liked how different they all were.

Well done, Merry

ashleylee-
More fire. Check.
More drama. Check.
More description. Check.
~Real.

I think I can do that.

No!!! I don't want this flat! I'm definitely going have to rewrite some of this.

Well, thanks Ashley for this helpful review. I'm gonna revise today, later.

*off to edit*

-Merry

This was so good! I especially liked the end, it was so unexpected and you built up the suspense very well. Your names are so gorgeous and you have a way of writing thats simple but its very elegant. I can imagine curling up by the fire and reading this on chilly night with a cup of hot chocolate. Hmm, the Hampton's? Did you base them off of real people or are they just fictional because I know the Hampton's is a real place...but if they're fictional, you make them so believable and the dialog screams London. I will read chapter one soon but I have to do another critique for someone...but I'll be back. Bravo!

Keep writing,

~Angel

Angel of Death-
NO!!!! I wanted to revise and edit some of this. But if you liked it, then I guess it's okay.

Oh, I like elegant and gorgeous. Thanks for those words.

Hahaha!!! Hot chocolate? Now what you said about, reading this at night, it has made my day. Thank you, Angel!!!

I actually had no idea the Hampton's was a real place. The name came from a dream I had.

So thanks again!

-Merry

Hey Merry!

Time. It comes in different forms, shapes and sizes. We can't see it or feel it. Instead, imagine it pass through our fingers as we grow up. It's with us through the past, present and future.

I like this chunk here but it's a little dusty.

Here's my outtake: Time wears many different masks. It passes by our blind eyes everyday, and yet we can't feel it. We have knowledge that it is amongst us, but we can not control it as we grow....

Your words were just crashing together and they needed to flow, so just work on that. Also, don't be afraid to experiment with words. That's what I always do when I'm writing. My thesaurus is dear to my heart, I'd be lost without it.

Our lifetime can be filled with many things, no matter what the consequences are. Yet, can fate control our destiny? Or can we control it ourselves?

Ooh I liked that!

White snow trickled down from the sky as they plunged down into odd shapes and sizes onto the cobblestone streets of London. Black carriages clattered by, as a mysterious stranger waited in the dark. Lightly placing my fingers onto the dark colored seal I peered into the glass window. The glass wasn't fully covered with white frost as I saw no street lamp hanging over him.

Some good imagery.

All I could see through the slits of my eyes, was something silver shining from his hands. It didn't matter what he was doing, because where I was, was at a safe and private party.

I really didn't like these two sentences, they messed up the flow of things really. For one, they just don't fit either after that lovely bit of imagery you just painted or before the next piece you have there. Elaborate more, that's the only advice I have there.

I was upstairs in one of the ballrooms, as I glanced away from the window. Patting my pale pink and white gown with my satin white gloves, I lifted the side of my lip into a contented smile.

Wait I'm confused...why was she smiling?

The rush of bewilderment filled me, as I was at one of the most expensive estates in London.

Ah, I think that this can be reworded.

Try: I succumbed to bewilderment, though I was at one of the most expensive estates in London.

OR

I was somewhat confused when I was overcome with bewilderment. As I was at one of the most expensive estates in London, such a countenance could not be explained.

Those are completely horrible, but you catch what I mean, don't you?

Okay Merry, I'm sorry but I need to log out for a bit but I'll be back. I like this so far, just work on experimenting with different words.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Okay. So I printed off and read all your chapters, as promised. Sorry it took me so long, but you were warned!

Now, I pondered on whether I should even say this or not, but then I decided that I would have wanted to know. Try not to take this in the wrong way, Merry. I may sound harsh, but I'm really just trying to help your story: I'm not going to bother correcting the chapters after this Prologue, because I feel like there is no point to them. They are all about your MC going from class to class, comments on the teachers, on the other kids and who they are. There is no plot development. You introduce some characters, but you keep bringing new ones to the plate and seem to have no time to develop the ones you've just told us about.

It got dull, to be honest. After a while, I didn't care about what the MC thought about the teachers and the classes. I kept thinking, How does this add to the plot? This Prologue is good, and you've given yourself a great opportunity for a story. But you need to get it right. Generally, I think you're just taking too long to move on to the girl moving through time. It shouldn't take three chapters.

One thing I wanted to say about Chapter One: When she wakes up, you want us to be under the impression that she's just dreamed what happened in the Prologue. I didn't get that. I would have sound of a gunshot echo through her mind as she wakes up, or something little more obvious, you know?

Okay, moving onto the review. I have quite a few nitpicks for this Prologue. (Which is good, by the way, because that means I think it has much potential to be something better).

NITPICKS:

Time. It comes in different forms, shapes and sizes. We can't see it or feel it. Instead, imagine it pass through our fingers as we grow up. It's with us through the past, present and future.

Our lifetime can be filled with many things, no matter what the consequences are. Yet, can fate control our destiny? Or can we control it ourselves?

While I like the beginning, and realize that it's referring to time travel, this transition isn't smooth. To a reader that doesn't know what this story is about, this beginning would seem random and detached from the rest. Why not have the MC looking at a clock or something?

White snow trickled down from the sky as they plunged down into odd shapes and sizes onto the cobblestone streets of London. Black carriages clattered by, as mysterious stranger waited in the dark.

Lightly placing my fingers onto the dark colored seal [Comma] I peered into the glass window.

The glass wasn't fully covered with white frost as I saw no street lamp hanging over him.

I noticed that there are a lot of awkward sentences like this. Because I don't want to have to point out every single one, I'm just going to revise this to how I think it should look and leave it at that for the rest: The frost hadn't completely overcome the glass of the window yet, and I was able to peer out and notice a strange figure standing beneath a yellow street lamp.


A

ll I could see through the slits of my eyes, [No need for comma] was something silver shining from his hands.

It didn't matter what he was doing, because [s]where[/s] I was[s], was[/s] [s]at a[/s] safe[s] and[/s] in the moving carriage.

I had to point this one out. No need for second was

I was upstairs in one of the ballrooms, as I glanced away from the window.

You never made the transition from the carriage to the ball. You didn't describe the house or how she felt walking up the stairs. You just need more, Merry!

Since the moment they both turned sixteen, their idea of a ball [s]would be[/s] had been magnificent and glorious.

Both Agatha and Adeline Hampton knew that this was their only chance of making it out into the high society of London.

Aren't they already in the high society? It could be their only chance for meeting god marriage prospects, perhaps, but their evident wealth and status has nothing to do with this party, I believe.

They both wished that handsome bachelors would ask them to dance all night long and ladies would gossip how brilliant they were at their arrangement of the elegant evening.

How does the MC know this? She isn't one of the twins...

Looking around the rooms of the large ballroom, I saw my younger sister, Nicole, dancing with Peter. Nicole is only fifteen and not old enough to attend balls. Except my father and mother kept her age a secret and the Hampton's who are very close to us, allows Nicole to attend, only at their balls and our family's. If society found out that Nicole was only fifteen and attended balls, without having her first coming out, everything would be ruined. Rumors would fly and gossip would be spread within the city in only minutes. So the Hampton's and my family kept Nicole at close eye, whenever she was with a gentlemen.

This whole part made no sense to me. If it's so dangerous to have Nicole out when she's so young (which it isn't that horrible. Slightly scandalous, maybe, but ruin wouldn't be a result of that) then why lie about it and do it? I would just cut this whole part, as it's awkwardly-written and doesn't do anything for the Prologue.

“Yes, my dear Cecelia. I do believe you're correct on this one.” As I overheard what Andrew said.

You do this a couple times, I noticed. Should be something like, so it reads better: "Yes, my dear Cecilia, I do believe you're correct on this one," I overheard Andrew say.

“On what?” I spoke clearly as they came by.

The way you word this makes it seem as if they're just going to walk right by her. Might want to revise a little.

"...an attraction towards your sister[s].[/s],” Andrew said with confidence.

This punctuation mistake also happens quite a few times. So I'm just going to state it once: In dialogue, commas are used instead of periods if there are tags like he said or she supposed.

“You knew all along?” Cecelia said in disbelief, “Why didn't you tell us.”

It's a question. Need the question mark.

He deals with being the male sibling and having a conscious of marriage on his head.

The rest of the piece is in past tense. Need to be consistent. Also, why are you telling us this about the girls' brother? He doesn't come in later in the Prologue so it's of little interest.

My brother, Jacob Hadley who is the new third Duke of Ashford, married Melissa a couple of years ago when I was only fifteen and Nicole was just a child.

My father, Lord Richard works in the financial world with the firm under our same last name, The Hadley's. His firm is one of the largest ones out there in London, so far. When Jacob became of age, he started working in the family business.

My mother, Lady Elizabeth, didn't marry my father for his title or money, but for the love they shared. They are different from the outside world, who only cares for titles and wealth. When they met, they fell in love and had a family.

This big family history takes away from the story. It's boring and too many little facts to remember when you're throwing so many other things at us. I would just cut it.

“What is it?” I asked with a questionable stare.

Questionable is not correct. I think you mean questioning.

I slightly turned to my side as I saw that same man who was by the street lamp.

Her reaction is way to muted. Wouldn't she be confused, wondering, frightened? Also, wording should be revised, something like this: Slightly turning her head to the side, I was startled to see the man who I'd observed beneath the street lamp earlier that night.

[s]Strangely [/s]he pulled out something silver out of his coat pocket as some of the men tried to get to him.

The hooded man[s],[/s] pointed the revolver to Lord Charles and pulled the trigger.

[s]Yet, [/s]I would never have guessed the next events. It was the sound of gun shots that vibrated it[s]'[/s]s sound off the walls, the screams coming from the twins, and the blood that poured from Lord Charles's body. Unfinished thought

If he pulled out a gun, why would she not guess that he was going to shoot it?

I tried to pull myself together, but it was like another force of nature was pulling me away. What could it have been?

Mmm. Don't like the question. Ruins the moment.

[s]That[/s] The man who had just shot Lord Charles[s],[/s] [s]glanced[/s] glared at me and raised his revolver to the height of my forehead.

I didn't realize she was that close to him. Wouldn't she have run? Wasn't Charles making a speech at the front of a crowd or something?

Then suddenly I felt something hit me. Pain immediately shot through my body and the next thing that happened was that everything became black.

It's like you got too excited to finish. You rushed it. Try slowing it down and adding a little more, just so: Suddenly I felt something hit me. Pain immediately shot through me, jarring and intent. I struggled to remain upright, struggled to keep my eyes open. But my strength failed me, and I lost the battle. Everything went black.

OVERALL:

As stated before, I did like it and this could become something great, with a little work. Hope I helped, and don't stop writing, Merry.

Thanks for reading/commenting on Because. I loved your input.

Best of luck with editing,

KJ