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A tale unforgotten
A tale unforgotten

by _earthen_ in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on July 24, 2005
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la favola bella

Topic ID: 3919
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Chanson   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 7:31 pm    Post subject: la favola bella Reply with quote

already your face has become blurred.

a static image, faltering in my minds eye.

even as i write this, the shape of your mouth

is fading from my mind.



but your eyes remain clear, intact.

dark green circling a jagged brown.

reminding me of quiet forests

in foreign mountains,

the sound of twigs breaking underfoot,

streams trickling over heavy grey rocks.



knowing you for two hours

on a grey train speeding

through burnt italian countryside,

the hills rolling out like waves

towards a dying sun

that bathed the homeward journey in gold,

might not seem like an encounter

worth holding on to, worth

writing poetry about.



but i have never felt more

  Perfect

as when you looked at me,

with an ochre halo of light

from the tuscan sun

shining behind your head

and the petal soft feel of your lips

burning against my mouth,

and told me i was beautiful.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Description was very good in this. I thought the third stanza was a bit over the top, but that's just me.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice imagery, but, like all of us, you need to take out excessive adjectives and look for redundancy (for instance, S1 has too many "mind" in it).

I particularly enjoyed the second strophe.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeh, there's a lot that could be cut down - but it was nice to read and think about.

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This thread was created on July 24, 2005

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