Topic ID: 3912
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PsyLynx
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 Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:16 am Post subject: Untitled (7-19-05) |
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7-19-05
I’d like to see you,
sprawled out, splayed naked
beneath the remorseless summer sun
to feel you, breathing
with pillows of bitter softness,
and long-dried tears...
The things that’ve happened
sing in the wind, the sun
the depressed chicken-squawks,
the bitter sand;
the bitter sand is the song
sweet and soft,
like you...
deep and dark and consuming
and all of everything
lying naked, splayed before
the remorseless sun of time...
Flies land on you, and
I don’t
brush them aside,
I don’t
feel wrong,
I let our sadness
become written down,
pressed to the other side of pages,
where
someone may see them...
And wonder what the scribbling is...
And in twenty or one hundred years,
we’ll be gone,
dead,
erased...
Existing in pictures that may only be read
by the wise...
Goodnight,
sky-sun moon day. |
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DarkerSarah
Guardian of Grammar
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| Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:22 am Post subject: |
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I feel that the last stanza was not connected to the poem. But, overall, I really enjoyed reading this. The second stanza was my favorite.
-Sarah |
_________________
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver" |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Agreed, the second stanza was lovely, and in general this was pretty good. I didn't really like the ellipsis, maybe that's just something you like doing though. |
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and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Shriek
thinking outrageously, i write in cursive.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, I liked this.
The third stanza was a favorite here, especially these lines:
"I let our sadness
become written down,
pressed to the other side of pages,
where
someone may see them...
And wonder what the scribbling is...
And in twenty or one hundred years,
we’ll be gone,
dead,
erased...
Existing in pictures that may only be read
by the wise..."
I'm with Jack in the sense that I'm not a fan of the elipses, although I did think they were appropriate after the word 'erased'. The rest of the time they just seemed superfluous. The ending was a nice blend of words, but I'm still a little confused as to what they mean. |
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i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep. |
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