Topic ID: 39
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Tessitore
One day at a time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 17 Nov 2004
Posts: 507
Reviews: 103
Country: Sunnyvale, CA.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:39 am Post subject: "ROSES" |
 |
|
Roses
Like satin on the fingertips,
Wet with dew,
Like a lovers sweet sweat,
After you have coaxed
the last gasp
from their lips.
And when the petals of roses open,
they bursts apart like
a finely tuned instrument
persuaded into that sweet, high tune,
that only the most skilled
can accomplish.
And I wonder if
A violin
Feels the same rapture
I do
When the concerto vivace is finished,
And lies finished on the floor
****
NOTE: Thanks everyone for the reviews! |
_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS
Last edited by Tessitore on Mon Dec 13, 2004 12:47 am; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Nate
Chimpy
Site Admin
Gender: 
Age: 25
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 5336
Reviews: 169
Country: USA
446 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
My favorite line is "Like a lovers sweet sweat," It's just kinda neat to say.
The poem right now sounds broken in parts. For instance, the first three lines in the first stanza work really well, but the last three don't fit. Try to keep to the same style in the entire stanza.
But, I really liked the transformation from what I expected to be something about a lover to a violin. The comparison between the two is done really well, and you finish off the poem in such a way that it made me read it again. Plus, the trailing ending works really well since it actually made me stop and reflect upon the poem.
Overall, I liked it. |
_________________
Site Admin & Webmaster
www.youngwriterssociety.com/ywsblog
Do You YWS? If You Do YWS, Put "Got YWS?" In Your Sig! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Tessitore
One day at a time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 17 Nov 2004
Posts: 507
Reviews: 103
Country: Sunnyvale, CA.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks. It is kind of unfinished at the moment.
A problem I have is writing a poem and I know it's unfinished... but I don't want to do anything to it. When I set down the pen on a poem, it's done. For better or for worse.
So... better or worse? |
_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS |
|
| Back to top |
|
Myriadne
Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 74
Reviews: 48
Country: Auckland, New Zealand
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 11:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like this a lot. The first two stanzas are magic. I also really like what you are saying in the third stanza, however it does feel a bit disjointed. Maybe you could re - write it so it feels a little smoother without the two word lines, the only reason I'm saying this is you build up such a great flow in the first two stanza's. This is just my opinion, hope it is useful. |
_________________
click here |
|
| Back to top |
|
faith
Moderator
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 20 Nov 2004
Posts: 206
Reviews: 85
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
i could have sworn i commented on this already but i guess not 
it borders on the 'mushy icky romantic' type of poem that makes me cringe but is elegantly written enough not to fall completely into it. I can't decide whether the first stanzas are melodramatic or not...hmm..maybe a bit, but I rather like them, even though I don't like this sort of poem at all normally.
the last few lines were the best part, they are a strong conclusion, the sort that linger in your head for the rest of the day at odd moments. overall, good job. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Galatea
ti'wari
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 24 Nov 2004
Posts: 2120
Reviews: 128
Country: summerland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 1:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
finely tuned, not finally tuned...at least, I think that's what you mean. Right babe? This is a really...hot poem. The first stanza gives me an incredible shiver at the thought of coaxing a gasp from a lover's lips. SO sexy. It could be mushy, but it reads much more erotic to me (maybe because I have sex on the brain 24-7). Beautiful work dear, but then, I am a little biased...  |
_________________
We bring you Good News, by Word of mouth!
For now that Spring Time's born,
The Sun is coming up from the South,
With Oak and Ash and Thorn! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1613
Reviews: 660
Country: It's Complicated.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 1:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
i thought this was very...interesting...it intrigued me tremendously--i dont think you should changen anything.
but i started not to read it because i HATE "Roses" by Outkast. |
_________________
"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles)
Last edited by Chevy on Mon Nov 29, 2004 1:02 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Tessitore
One day at a time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 17 Nov 2004
Posts: 507
Reviews: 103
Country: Sunnyvale, CA.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 6:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks everyone. I'm glad you liked it. |
_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS |
|
| Back to top |
|
bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1757
Reviews: 574
Country: My own little universe
380 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 3:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
I know what you mean about not wanting to touch a piece once its finished...its kind of like painting, I guess. Dont want to ruin things! I'm trying to get out of that naughty habit though because how will I ever make things better?! But there are times when I really wonder if it helps to rewrite trillions of times...
I really liked this poem, although I did feel there were some bits that could use a bit of tweaking.
Like satin on the fingertips,
Wet with dew,
Like a lovers sweet sweat,
After you have coaxed
the last gasp
from their lips.
Sorry to be contrarywise but personally I dont like the "sweet sweat" part. I mean, the concept is good, but the alliteration spoils it a bit for me. Just my two cents though. This is a great verse, especially the first line.
And when the petals of roses open,
they bursts apart like
a finally tuned instrument
persuaded into that sweet, high tune,
that only the most skilled
can accomplish.
I love this verse; especially the first three lines, they're great. I'd do something with the forth line though, maybe change "sweet" - otherwise its perfect.
And I wonder if
A violin
Feels the same rapture
I do
When the concerto vivace is finished,
And lies finished on the floor
This is an awesome verse, some great imagery, but it needs the most work in my opinion. The raw material is there but I think the two-word lines need to go, and perhaps you could change one of the "finished" words to something else? The repetition detracts from the overall effect.
Otherwise, a great poem. One of my faves  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Rei
E.A. Extraordinaire
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 01 Feb 2005
Posts: 3140
Reviews: 685
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Bootiful. Really nice flow, great images and diction. And the line breaks didn't seem like random choices, as this style of poetry often does. |
_________________
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" |
|
| Back to top |
|
bcain
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 04 Feb 2005
Posts: 37
Reviews: 16
Country: undoubtedly the most boring place in the western hemisphere
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
overall, i really liked it! great imagery, and i loved the line about a lover's sweet sweat.
the only thing that sounded not so good was 'coaxed the last gasp'. sorta difficult to read. |
_________________
Maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Armadian
Greggles
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 1270
Reviews: 154
Country: The Digital World.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really like this wondrous poem.I am wonderingis this song of your heart? |
_________________
How can you prove that we exist? Maybe we don't exist... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 8:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I love poems about roses. No acception here!. Amazing, and I aggree with nate on the favorite line. However I love the
"And I wonder if
A violin
Feels the same rapture
I do
When the concerto vivace is finished,
And lies finished on the floor "
because it makes you wonder, as it was stated in the very first line. Marvelous. Love love lovely! |
_________________
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php
Ralphie: Ahh! It's half wolf, half refrigerator!
“Eventually shooting stars will burn out.”
Help the Revolution: http://noporntube.freeforums.org/portal.php |
|
| Back to top |
|
niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3941
Reviews: 381
Country: somewhere in America
432 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 12:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
The title made me think of "Roses" by Outkast. And that was completely random.
I agree with everyone else. This is an AWESOME poem. |
_________________
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Got YWS?
"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Tessitore
One day at a time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 17 Nov 2004
Posts: 507
Reviews: 103
Country: Sunnyvale, CA.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm quite surprised that this is still getting reviews. Thanks everyone. Can you believe that I couldn't even remember writing this?
And for clarification, I do not play violin, I play piano. It's just the the Concerto Vivace (Bach) is one of my favorite pieces of music and I wanted to convey that. It just wouldn't be the same if I talked about the piano.
But I've always LOVED the violin... =) |
_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
