Topic ID: 3864
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skeptik_225
Junior Writer
Age: 21
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 Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 5:23 am Post subject: Digging at my heart |
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I need help with this one, it doesn't flow right
Drilled and invaded at the hands of
hands unfit for invading;
ones better left in
the pockets of friendship
not among the complexity of a
young girl’s heart
Yet still those hands are
drilling and invading
through unlocked doors
and untouched waters,
hidden treasures beneath the sands yet
are hidden for a reason,
for a purpose, and for a person
gentle enough to scoop and knock
instead of drill and invade
Drilling and invading at the hands of,
hands under qualified for
such dangerous endeavors
Now the unthinkable
has become a reality;
The heart is broken |
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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| It seems like the problem with the flow is that you're using some long sentences. Try rewriting it with very short sentences and sentence fragments. |
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Liz
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| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 11:07 am Post subject: |
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| Yep, definitely cut down the sentences. It will make it read better. I like it though, well done. |
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graveyard_dream
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| Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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| i think it is too structured, try scattering the words across the page, let the layout help tell the story. |
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antigone
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| Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:03 am Post subject: |
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I like it, personally I think the flow is fine. My only suggestion might be to change
Drilled and invaded at the hands of
hands unfit for invading;
ones better left in
the pockets of friendship
not among the complexity of a
young girl’s heart
to
Drilled and invaded at the hands of
those unfit for invading;
hands better left in
the pockets of friendship
not among the complexity of a
young girl's heart
But maybe it wouldn't be better, I don't know. Good poem though. The middle stanza was my favorite. |
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Unknown
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| Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree with BlackDaisy's change. |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this was pretty good, but I'll critique it for you and let that speak.
Ah, it is good to be back
| Quote: |
Drilled and invaded at the hands of
hands unfit for invading;
ones better left in
the pockets of friendship
not among the complexity of a
young girl’s heart |
I wasn't too fond of your linebreak in the first line, but the thing that bugged me most was the double of the words 'invade'. I know what you're trying to say, but perhaps just say that thing a little differently. Like "Drilled and invaded at the hands of hands unfit to reach into my heart." I didn't like the double of hands either, but it wasn't as bad. I loved your lines after that though.
| Quote: |
Yet still those hands are
drilling and invading
through unlocked doors
and untouched waters,
hidden treasures beneath the sands yet
are hidden for a reason,
for a purpose, and for a person
gentle enough to scoop and knock
instead of drill and invade |
Now drilling and invading are not bad words for the poem, but if you're going to repeat them, I suggest finding some more creative words. I like 'untouched waters' a lot. Very nice. I didn't like the 'beneath the sands' part because it sounds a little bland. Perhaps connect the sands to something, like relate them to something different. For instance, perhaps, 'hidden treasures beneath the sand's shield' or something to that extent. 'hidden for a reason' sounded a little weird, but it wasn't bad. I like the two lines after that though scoop and knock are not the words I would choose for that part, but they work.
| Quote: |
Drilling and invading at the hands of,
hands under qualified for
such dangerous endeavors
Now the unthinkable
has become a reality;
The heart is broken |
I love 'hands under qualified for such dangerous endeavors (I love that word)'. That was awesome! I love your last stanza... very nice
Nice job... keep writing! |
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