Young Writers Society

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You have to read this before you read any of this. Because, you see, this is a chapter right smack in the middle of the story. Of course, this is the only thing I've written so far. Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you like it so far! And I hope you aren't going to get super-confused =p

~*~*~

My feet dragged along the pavement until my foot kicked a tire. I casually reached out my hand and swiftly searched the car door for the handle. I heard a heavy click as Jared opened it, the soft press of the leather as he slid into the driver’s seat. I slid in myself, automatically reaching for the seatbelt; this wasn’t my first time being in a car.

His keys chimed as they tapped against one another, and the engine began to roar. I fell back and embraced the leather, and he pushed the accelerator. My head leaned back and I closed my eyes, listening to the tires roll along the asphalt. I couldn’t help think about the boy next to me, and wonder what was going through his own mind at that moment.

It started to seem that the sound of Jared’s breathing was overtaking the auto, and I was distracted from the road. My head lazily rolled over, and I could tell I was probably staring right at him. The fabric of his shirt rustled, and I could feel him staring right back at me. I broke into a smile and turned back around, and he exhaled, his breath leaving traces of a chuckle. The sound of the sweat on his hand breaking away from the steering wheel made my ears prop up. Where was his hand going? He scratched his head – feeling up his hair, probably running his fingers through it or something.

I didn’t hear his hand grip back onto the wheel. I heard it shuffle along the midpoint between our two seats, inching toward my direction slowly. He gently grazed my fingernail, and I felt his skin browse the palm of my hand. I closed my hand and trapped his, not trying to hide the smile that travelled across my lips. His hand felt warm, and I enjoyed the feeling of his skin rubbing against mine.

He chuckled nervously, and I imagined him smiling. I longed to see his smile, and I longed to see his eyes light up and his cheeks flush. I experienced a brief wave of irritation, about how he could see all these things and I couldn’t. Biting my lip, I turned my head his direction, pretending to look at him, and this time I couldn’t tell if he was looking back.

“Hi,” his soft voice suddenly flooded the car. His tone crawled along my arm and into my throat, dropping into my stomach. I swallowed and subconsciously gripped his hand tighter, and I had to ask my mind to stop racing.

“Hi,” I was such a coward. I couldn’t think of anything else to say; I told myself I was brave enough to manage that. My throat closed up, and I inhaled apprehensively. He didn’t say anything else. I pretended to look out the window, trying to act nonchalant. I put my hand on it, feeling the chilled glass beneath my fingers. It felt as if the coolness broke through my palm and into my blood, making my entire body become frigid.

Jared was tenderly stroking the top of my hand with his thumb, as if he was trying to calm me. Did I seem tense? I peeled my hand off the window, dropping it on my thigh. I dug a finger into a hole in my jeans and distracted myself until I felt the ground below the wheels undoubtedly change beneath us. The car rocked along the gravel slowly, and he soon brought it to a halt.

I undid my seatbelt and opened up the car door, already having found the handle during the ride. I had one leg drop and feel the ground before getting out and slamming the door.

I felt Jared come up behind me and grasp onto my hand, and he led me to the front steps. I forced him to go slower by lagging behind and firmly holding him down. I found the steps I was looking for, and I cautiously followed Jared to the door. I was deeply regretting forgetting my cane – I thought it was lucky that Jared and I got to the hand-holding phase when we did.

The squeal of hinges signaled the door opening, and we both stepped inside. He let go of my hand momentarily, and it occurred to me that it was polite to take off my shoes. My socks made the hard wood feel slippery, scaring me into thinking that I could possibly lose my footing. Instead I found Jared’s hand again, and he led me into another room.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” he chuckled, and I dragged my feet over the newly found rug. I discovered a couch and sat down, and he followed my actions. “Do you like it?”

“I love it,” I replied quietly, rotating my head as if I were taking in the scenery. “It’s very you.” I had no idea what I was talking about. The only thing I could possibly have an opinion about was the floor and this couch, and neither of them seemed like they would relate to him on any kind of personal level.

“What do you mean?” He asked, a bit baffled.

“I don’t know, really. I just felt like I had to add a comment after my opinion to satisfy you. It seemed polite.” One of my favorite philosophies was that blatant honesty was the answer to everything.

He laughed quietly and had one of his fingers lift up my chin. “You’re so cute,” I could hear his smile, the ends of his lips curling up into an adorable expression I’d never get to see. I smiled back, baring my teeth shamelessly. It slowly faded as his breathing became more audible, and I could smell his breath on my face. He gently removed my glasses, and I suddenly felt his warm lips on my own, and I closed my eyes out of courtesy.

We parted, and I found his wrist and held it steadily, slowly lowering it onto the couch. I ran my fingers along the outline of his face, taking in every detail. My hand ran through his silken hair, and I playfully ruffled it. He went to seize my hand, but I ignored it and continued to run my fingers along the shape of his nose. I traced his opened lips, my fingertip pressing against the soft texture of his mouth. My pointer finger took a path down to his chin, taking a precaution to not scratch his startlingly flawless skin.

“Done?” he asked. I bit my lip; I wish I didn’t have to be. I let go of his face and stuck out my tongue, and he touched my cheek with the back of his hand. I reached for his hand to retrieve my glasses, and he skimmed the top of the cushion when he pulled his hand back. I immediately closed my eyes again. “Open your eyes, please,” he pleaded. “It’s terrible that you hide them all the time.”

Shit. “No,” I protested. He must think I’m so weird. “Can I have my glasses?” I felt the glasses slide into my hand, and I put them back on, feeling him tuck a slender strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t respond to me. The denim of his jeans scraped against the soft material of the couch, and his knees cracked as he stood up. I heard his footsteps loud on the wooden floor – he hadn’t taken his shoes off. I wanted to kiss him again. “Where are you going?” I asked him as I stared directly at the floor, terrified that he was angry with me.

“Nowhere,” he responded, and he sat down in a chair that seemed like it was miles away. Say something else so I know where you are. “Andy?” There you are. I looked up from the floor, hopefully in his direction.

“Yes?” I frowned. Why wasn’t he sitting next to me? I wanted him next to me. “What?”
Silence swallowed me, and I suddenly felt self-conscious. He began to tap the arm of the chair incessantly, the sound echoing in my ears. Dust flew off the arm and travelled to my nose, and I lazily let out a breath to blow it away. I could sense the turmoil radiating off him, and a pang of guilt stabbed at my side. I tried to calm myself down, saying that he’ll get over it; it’s not even that big a deal. But I couldn’t help think about what he must be feeling, to be denied something so easily obtained with others.

I struggled to keep my eyes stationary. Taking off my glasses, I turned in his direction and wobbled slowly as I stood up. He wasn’t so far away after all. His breath quickened, the bursts of air caressing my hand as I dropped it on his shoulder. I probably looked like I was about to kill him – I was concentrating so hard; my heart was beating faster, the veins in my arm contracting strenuously. I glared at him, and he jumped when my other hand snatched his free shoulder. I unintentionally clutched harder.

“Hi,” I smirked; I wondered if I intimidated him a little.

My smile immediately disappeared, “What are you doing with your eyes?”


~*~*~

EDIT: By the way people, this is a chapter in the middle of the story, as I've stated above. This is NOT the first chapter - that would be downright horrible. I'm just using a new approach and not writing the chapters in any sequential order. So stop telling me I'm dropping you in the middle of the story! BECAUSE I KNOW I AM! =] Why doesn't anybody ever read what I write in the beginning?

EDIT: This is edited! Yay!

~*Sara*~

Okay, this was a little confusing. But not overwhelmingly confusing. Just a little confusing.

I read the link before I started, but I had to go back and read it again throughout my reading of the entire piece. The storyline is original, as far as I can see, and I like it very much. I think this is really good, though it might need a little clearing up, shall we say. Is this chapter one? Are you planning to write more? If you are, let me know, because I'd like to read more.

Cheers!

Also, I accidentally clicked the wrong bubble on your poll. I meant to put that I wasn't really confused, but I got confused in the process and hit the wrong one. Sorry!

First of all I think this is an amazing start to your story, and it wasn't confusing to the least bit. Your descriptions with out sight ironically gives off the most awesome picture for the story. Great job! But there are some grammical errors that you'll catch when you proof read it.

These are some of my favorite parts of your story

My head leaned back and I closed my eyes, listening to the tires roll along the asphalt. The rhythmic sound helped me relax, and my mind drifted along the boundaries of reality. I couldn’t help think about the boy next to me, and wonder what was going through his own mind at that moment.

He chuckled nervously, and I imagined him smiling. I longed to see his smile, and I longed to see his eyes light up and his cheeks flush. I experienced a brief wave of irritation, about how he could see all these things and I couldn’t. Biting my lip, I turned my head his direction, pretending to look at him, and this time I couldn’t tell if he was looking back.

He gently removed my glasses, and I felt his warm lips on my own, and I closed my eyes out of courtesy. He tasted of sugary oranges, and I remembered how he popped a stick of gum earlier.

I ran my fingers along the outline of his face, taking in every detail. My hand ran through his silken hair, and I playfully ruffled it. He went to seize my hand, but I ignored it and continued to run my fingers along the shape of his nose. I traced his opened lips, and I cupped his flawless face in my hands. I could spend forever on that face, but I knew that he would see past the romanticism and begin to realize it was for visualization.

I still tasted him on my lips. I wanted him to get off that stupid chair and hold me in his arms – I can’t stand now being away from him, especially since he’s right there. I wanted to call out his name, get his attention, and tell him what I wanted. But of course he wouldn’t listen to me; he would probably think my requests to impersonal, since I wouldn’t let him look at my eyes. What I really wanted to do was just that, but feeding any suspicions he has was out of the question.

Now I think the part below can be extended just a little or less confusing... just clearer

"You were with her at the time?” Why did I just ask that? I don’t want this subject to become any bigger than it already is. Why can’t Jared just come over to the couch already? Oh crap, he didn’t respond. I’m going to take a major risk and assume he nodded. “That’s horrible.” I tried to sound sensitive and began whispering.

Thats a terrific chapter cant wait for more!

Hey Sock! I read the link, and the concept for the story sounds very interesting. So I'll read it now, woohoo!

I heard Jared open driver’s seat and lean against the soft fabric as he settled into the vehicle.

I think you're missing a word or two in this sentence. Read it over yourself as it is, and you'll probably see it too. Try phrasing it this way: "I heard Jared open his driver's seat and lean against the soft fabric as he settled into the vehicle."
Also, opened his driver's SEAT? Perhaps driver's seat door, or driver's side door.

My head leaned back and I closed my eyes, listening to the tires roll along the asphalt. The rhythmic sound helped me relax, and my mind drifted along the boundaries of reality.

I think you can describe more sound sensory than just the sound of asphalt. She is blind and relies heavily on that sense - so perhaps add some more description to help the reader get a full sense of just how she uses her sense of hearing to aid her.

It started to seem that the sound of Jared’s breathing was overtaking the auto, and I was distracted from the road. My head lazily rolled over, and I could tell I was probably staring right at him. The fabric of his shirt rustled, and I could feel him staring right back at me. I broke into a smile and turned back around, and he exhaled, his breath leaving traces of a chuckle. The sound of the sweat on his hand breaking away from the steering wheel made my ears prop up. Where was his hand going? He scratched his head – feeling up his hair, probably running his fingers through it or something.

This is more what I'm talking about! Very nice description. Though I still think you should add some about the actual movements and sounds of the car.

I was deeply regretting forgetting my cane – lucky Jared and I got to the hand-holding phase when we did.

When we did what? Your end of this sentence is very unclear. I'm not sure what you're referencing - what was "done".

“Welcome to my humble abode,” he chuckled, and as we walked a rug that I almost tripped over rug under my feet.

Aw, honey! That is one confusing sentence. Go simple and say, "and as we walked I almost tripped over a rug under my feet".

“Look at me,” he would implore, and of course I wouldn’t know how.

That's very demanding of him. What a jerk!

The denim of his jeans rubbed against themselves as he crossed his legs. Every time he moved he made a distinguishable sound.

This is a weird sentence because you're referring to the denim as "themselves". I would consider rephrasing this.

he would probably think my requests to impersonal

small typo there *point*

You had to scare me. Wait, ew, why did he do that? Now I want to know who she is. Is he going to make me ask?

I really don't like that ew in there. It doesn't seem appropriate for the context. Anything, like "oh my god", would seem better.

He didn’t say anything. Ugh, “Who is she?” I bit my tongue as I heard him sigh a bit louder than usual. How did she hold any significance in this conversation anyway? I thought we were going to get all nice and comfy; I don’t want to hear about this Carmen girl.

“She died last year in a car accident,” he said. Aw, that’s sad.

That seems like MUCH too casual a response upon hearing someone the guy she likes knows has died. Try for a more dramatic approach, or it sounds humorous.

“She was intoxicated and she drove into a tree.” Not funny, you bitch. Don’t you dare think about laughing. “You remind me of her a little.”

This dialogue sounds very forced and fake. Think about if someone was actually telling you something this personal... they would pause, hesitate, repeat words, rephrase what they said, sigh, look away. You can think of even more things they would do, I bet. Try adding some things like that into the dialogue, or it sounds like something we can't take seriously...

My character is coming out to be a bitch, isn't she?

Actually, I think he's coming off as a jerk. It seems almost like he's teasing the poor blind girl, backing away after kissing her, then telling her about some mystery girl. Huh! Sounds rude to me.

HOW?
You've given us two characters who are apparently at least in like and interested in one another. The thing is, you dropped us off right in the middle of it. How did she meet Jared? Why does she like him? Readers like to know these things, especially since your girl is in a weird circumstance being blinded by psychological trauma, and romance readers tend to like to read about how the two heroes meet each other and fall in like and eventually in love. So try to include an explanation or an introduction to these characters' sudden relationship... because I feel very plopped down right now into this story, rather abruptly.

I do like the concept though, and it is certainly interesting! I hope you post more! PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

LoveableLittleSock wrote:But seriously Andy, have some respect for the dead. I mean, come on! Poor Carmen, whoever she is.

I actually loved her internal commentary during that stage of the conversation. That was one of my favorite parts. It’s where her character really comes through, and, I like her, bitch or no. Probably because that’s what I’d be thinking in that situation, or at least what I would wish I had the nerve to think in that situation. Already I can see her as a realistic, unique, spunky (I never liked that word, but it fits like a glove), clever girl. And I got that in just a couple pages. That’s awesome.


At this point, there’s not a lot I need to say about it, except I loved it and I can’t wait to read more!

I can imagine writing it in first person is pretty difficult, and you’re doing an awesome job. The way she can sense things, the ways she’s able to get herself around, it all seems perfectly realistic.

I really can’t wait to read the rest. Jared’s really sweet. Your storyline is really good. I noted a few grammar and punctuation type things I noted in the attachment, but there was hardily anything even in that area to fix. This is really, really good. Think I've said that enough times yet?

If you wanted, when you post some more (unless you already have) you could let me know so I can read it? *looks hopeful*


-Adna

I did not find it confusing. I read the plot and so i had a good idea.

My crit is mainly just comments (i went wild on this i am afraid after reading all my reviews on my story... i sought a little composure with yours ahaha)
So i have a LOT of stuff in the margins.

Pretty much the story is lacking in something i thought you (hopefully forgot about): She is blind! SO shouldn't her other senses be better? Sharper? You investigate it to a limited extent in second paragraph but paragraph one didn't allow me to believe she was blind because she was haring/smelling/feeling the same things normal kids do. bad bad bad! I want you to make her subject to the smells and sounds and feelings of him, the one she loves. You developed her nicely but she could be enormously expanded and built on strong foundations and made so much more believable if you make her hear and smell and feel and taste little things people cannot usually. It's all in the comments in the margins if you read the link below.

It is a great work. I am hunting for more because i loved it. But yeah she's a bitch! You ruined her in the end. i think you decided you hated miss nice girl and she changed violently. It surprised me and jumped up on me. Her thoughts were suddenly THERE when they were not before. Urgh i was shocked!

So rework the whole ending. Is he crying? They didnt have many emotions. Other than shes a complete bitch XD and evil and now i hate her. Not such good writing at the end. That needs major construction (re construction)

Bad bad bad! i loved her until you turned her into a bitch!!!!! Lol! She changed so dramatically... it was just too much to stomach and readers would laugh then read it back and go 'hang on, ew, she's so bad now' and forget the story (i almost did!)

Good job though. Great imagery produced by your vocab and writing.

I read the link and i think i would have been able to follow even if i hadn't read it! I think you should keep "Carmen" a mystery, maybe to be the thing leading up to a conflict?

I love your story. You need to keep writing about it. I think that Andy has a lot of potential to be a wonderful Character.

Now mind you, this is my first review so i will get better in time, PROMISE

First off- I wasn't confused at all. I understood the link first time and had no problems from there ^^

I heard Jared open driver’s seat and lean against the soft fabric as he settled into the vehicle.

I heard Jared open the driver’s seat and lean against the soft fabric as he settled into the vehicle.

'lean against the soft fabric' a) doesn't make sense and b) what fabric are you talking about? Some clarification is needed here.

I heard him exhale and twist the key, and the engine began to roar.

You have chosen a character that gives you the potential for some unique and effective descriptions, so make use of it. Describe the sound as the keys swing and clink together, the low rumble of the engine coughing into life.

The sound of the sweat on his hand breaking away from the steering wheel made my ears prop up.

I immediately imagined her with cat ears when I read this. Maybe you shouldn't have the ears prop up?

I had one leg drop onto the ground and feel the floor before getting out and slamming the door.

There are a few things that stand out in this sentence that annoy me. "I had" doesn't quite fit, "floor" implies indoors, and again you could use your character's heightened senses to really make this unique. As it is I will show you what I would do, not including the descriptions (you should handle those)-
I let one leg drop to the ground, feeling the gravel underfoot before climbing out and slamming the door.

and firmly holding him down.

"Holding him down" implies that she is, well, holding him down to the ground. I would substitute 'down' for 'back'.

and I was tempted to slide along the floor.

She was? In an unfamiliar house, where she did not know the obstacles, did not have anyone guiding her, or time to familiarize herself? Seems kinda crazy, even for a "I'm not blind, really!" blind person.

he chuckled, and as we walked a rug that I almost tripped over rug under my feet.

Errrmm... read that again? Say it out loud, fix it.

I could hear his smile.

How? Did his breath quicken? Did the pressure of his fingers change subtly? Was it the tiny sucking sounds as saliva moved around his teeth at the movement? If she could hear the smile, then explain. Otherwise the reader is left with the sense that it was metaphorical and unimportant.

We parted, and I found his wrist and held it steadily, slowly lowering it onto the couch. I ran my fingers along the outline of his face, taking in every detail. My hand ran through his silken hair, and I playfully ruffled it. He went to seize my hand, but I ignored it and continued to run my fingers along the shape of his nose. I traced his opened lips, and I cupped his flawless face in my hands. I could spend forever on that face, but I knew that he would see past the romanticism and begin to realize it was for visualization.

Here, where is the description? You list what she does. How does his skin feel? Does it warm under her hands as he blushes? Does it become taught as he smiles, or slack as his face loses expression? Does she feel his eyelashes brush her fingers as he blinks in surprise? Or does his face relax and breath deepen as he enjoys the caress? This scene has potential to really deepen how they feel for each other, and as this is one of the only ways you can describe his emotions past voice and breath and actions, you should take hold of the opportunity and use it to your advantage.

Every time he moved he made a distinguishable sound.

Don't tell us, show us. And if you don't want to launch off into a description in this part of the plot, get rid of this sentence. It isn't vital.

And, after the asterisk, her character changes from one who is self conscious, longing and concerned to... well, a callous cow. I saw NaNo was mentioned, and this part is unedited, so it isn't surprising, but you need to refine this last section, and if you want her to be a cow, then make it a more logical transition. It's almost as if the style has changed completely... :p

Overall, you have a really interesting idea and a story with loads of potential. I would suggest just using your character's disability to make this a unique story, and I could imagine, once refined and worked on, having some truely imaginative and effective imagery (for the lack of a better word).
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'll be happy to help ^^

Hullo hullo!

I'm not sure where you get the idea that this is so bad. I loved it - to pieces. Your imagery and descriptions were wonderful. I hardly know this girl, but I really felt from her. Some of the descriptions were awkward, obviously because she is blind, but I have a solution for this!

First off:

I could smell his breath on my face.

This is weird because more often than not people's breath smells really gross! You might want to come up with something else, or at least not talk about the scent of it. Even if his breath smells like roses, all I can think is ewwww.

My smile immediately disappeared, “What are you doing with your eyes?”

I cannot tell who is asking this question. I think it is him, but the fact that you talk about her in the dialogue tag is confusing. If it is him, put a period after disappeared and make a new paragraph of the dialogue.

So here are some other suggestions!

Blind Training - I did this for a play I was in with a blind character. (I wasn't the blind character, in fact I don't act at all, I was the writer, but I did it anyway!) It's fun, hard, and weird. PLEASE do it with a friend! Get a friend, put a blindfold on or something, and try to walk around your house doing your daily whatevers. Be incredebly careful though. It will give you a better idea of what it is like to be blind, and should help your story out a lot!

Realistically - Even though I adore this story, if I understood your summary right, this isn't too realistic. Everyone would be able to know she is blind; that isn't something you can hide very easily! It can still be a social hindrance for her, and the conflict, but I think no one knowing about it will be hard to make believable.

I really, really love this story, just from the small excerpt. Honest, your descriptions were so lovely, and I just loved it. Sure I'm not much for romance, but you had some humor and it was well put together. I'd love to see more of it, and an actual novel of it.

If you have any questions, you know where to find me!

Hello, LovableLittleSock. I saw this and your title caught my attention immediately. Also, I don't think it's a bad thing to write a middle chapter. Sometimes that's what keeps me going when I write, especially when I'm stuck, so no worries there. I'll let you know at the end of my review as I read if I was confused or not

My feet dragged along the pavement until my foot kicked a tire. I casually reached out my hand and swiftly searched the car door for the handle. I heard a heavy click as Jared opened it, the soft press of the leather as he slid into the driver’s seat. I slid in myself, automatically reaching for the seatbelt; this wasn’t my first time being in a car.

Okay, this part did confuse me but not for the reason you think everyone will. I just don't understand the setting here. Is she kicking the tire on a car or just a random tire scattered across her path? And where does Jared come from? Was he walking with her all along or just appeared out of the blue? I'm not sure if that has something to do with this being the middle of a chapter, but that was slightly confusing.

He chuckled nervously, and I imagined him smiling. I longed to see his smile, and I longed to see his eyes light up and his cheeks flush. I experienced a brief wave of irritation, about how he could see all these things and I couldn’t. Biting my lip, I turned my head his direction, pretending to look at him, and this time I couldn’t tell if he was looking back.

Oh gosh, she's blind, isn't she? Wow... that's just... a shocker. But you have painted it beautifully and I don't want you change anything about this scene.

I swallowed and subconsciously gripped his hand tighter, and I had to ask my mind to stop racing.

This is kind of a long choppy sentence. Maybe try: I swallowed and subconciously gripped his hand tighter while trying to ask my mind to stop racing or something like that.

“Hi,” I was such a coward.

No need for the comma after "Hi". A period is better.

“I love it,” I replied quietly, rotating my head as if I were taking in the scenery. “It’s very you.”

How could she have an opinion like this? I get the impression that Jared doesn't know she's blind yet he keeps holding her had so I'm probably wrong. I'm guessing the only reason he asked was because he's trying to make her feel as normal and comfortable as possible, right?

My smile immediately disappeared, “What are you doing with your eyes?”

Don't keep the comma after disappeared because it makes it look like she is talking, but it's Jared, right? I would try to make that more clear.

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, about the confusing issue, I didn't find it confusing at all. Once the story started moving, I enjoyed every bit until the end. It was a beautifully written piece and I look forward to more pieces from it.