Topic ID: 3767
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3020 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 402 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:33 pm Post subject: hol(e)d up universality |
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particle of sand makes its home in a nest full of others and
large trees make room for others so they may shed bloodred tears when they die [alone]
are they one or are they many?
dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness
but is the water still clean or have we condemned it to our own sin?
hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can,
form jagged edges to hold your image in place and study
the suicidal curvature in the darkness of solitaire and realize
it's not what the mirror reflects that's important
only why it reflects the way it does. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1613 Reviews: 660 Country: It's Complicated. 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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OMYGOSHHHHHH. I'm sorry, I don't mean to get all immature about it but this poem is awesome. If I wrote something like this, it would take me years and years. I'm seriously trying to think of a way to critique this but I'm dumbfounded...don't ever delete this.
the suicidal curvature in the darkness of solitaire and realize
it's not what the mirror reflects that's important
only why it reflects the way it does.
:gets chill bumps: |
_________________ "I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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Bazoo
Writer
 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 27 Feb 2005 Posts: 98 Reviews: 25 Country: On that thin line between fantasy and reality 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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Wow it's been ages since I've posted here...
I was a little questionable at first glance when I saw the (short) length of poem, but once I started reading, I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Very unique style, Brad, I really liked this.
The idea and the imagery was unquestionable. It really left a sense of how abstract thoughts can be connected to concrete examples.
Thanks, I really enjoyed this. |
_________________ Wow...I want to thank so many people for being here...well of course, God...and um...Nate...let's see...Liz...Brad...Chevy...Satan.
They're all cool. |
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Sam
axis of evil, BRB Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4909 Reviews: 1251 Country: 'mreeka 326 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:00 pm Post subject: |
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'dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness'
This messed with my groove. Change it or get rid of it.
That was the only part of it...the last stanza was awesome, strangely enough. |
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
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Caligula's Launderette
the extemp queen Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 13 Apr 2005 Posts: 2325 Reviews: 498 Country: how should I know, I don't even know where my socks are half the time? 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:35 am Post subject: |
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again it seems Brad you have the ability to shine with your vocabulary of fantastical words and ideas. simply put -- WOOHOO...hmm maybe with just a tad less energy...I really enjoyed reading this piece.
There were a few things that caught my attention.
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| dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness |
- I really like this line and feel it should stay in, but the word 'cleanliness' like all ness words seems to mess up the flow of the poem. I can't think of how to change it but I thought I'd give you a heads up.
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but is the water still clean or have we condemned it to our own sin?
hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can, |
- this transition seemed a little off. nothing really to worry about, as it's perfectally meaningful, beauteous language.
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hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can,
form jagged edges to hold your image in place and study |
-the first few times I read this is was really hard to grasp what you were saying because they way it was written, but when I read it alone (those two lines) it was easier to get through my head. Maybe it would flow better some other way. Meh.
Well to top that off. Great poem, I really, really enjoyed reading it.
cheers CL |
_________________ Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
Got YWS? |
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Misty
Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 17 Jan 2005 Posts: 814 Reviews: 493 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:51 am Post subject: |
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| you're too good. it's not even fair. it makes me sick, how good you are. SICK, brad! |
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