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[Male/Bene]volence
[Male/Bene]volence

by Raimunda in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on July 12, 2005
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attempt at universality (you may now laugh)

hol(e)d up universality

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Incandescence   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:33 pm    Post subject: hol(e)d up universality Reply with quote

particle of sand makes its home in a nest full of others and

large trees make room for others so they may shed bloodred tears when they die [alone]

are they one or are they many?



dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness

but is the water still clean or have we condemned it to our own sin?



hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can,

form jagged edges to hold your image in place and study

the suicidal curvature in the darkness of solitaire and realize

it's not what the mirror reflects that's important 

only why it reflects the way it does.

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Chevy   View This User's Portfolio
science, again.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMYGOSHHHHHH. I'm sorry, I don't mean to get all immature about it but this poem is awesome. If I wrote something like this, it would take me years and years. I'm seriously trying to think of a way to critique this but I'm dumbfounded...don't ever delete this.

the suicidal curvature in the darkness of solitaire and realize
it's not what the mirror reflects that's important
only why it reflects the way it does.


:gets chill bumps:

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow it's been ages since I've posted here...

I was a little questionable at first glance when I saw the (short) length of poem, but once I started reading, I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Very unique style, Brad, I really liked this.

The idea and the imagery was unquestionable. It really left a sense of how abstract thoughts can be connected to concrete examples.

Thanks, I really enjoyed this.

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axis of evil, BRB
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness'

This messed with my groove. Change it or get rid of it.

That was the only part of it...the last stanza was awesome, strangely enough.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

again it seems Brad you have the ability to shine with your vocabulary of fantastical words and ideas. simply put -- WOOHOO...hmm maybe with just a tad less energy...I really enjoyed reading this piece.

There were a few things that caught my attention.

Quote:
dip our hands into the H2O molecules and sift through them for cleanliness

- I really like this line and feel it should stay in, but the word 'cleanliness' like all ness words seems to mess up the flow of the poem. I can't think of how to change it but I thought I'd give you a heads up.

Quote:
but is the water still clean or have we condemned it to our own sin?

hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can,

- this transition seemed a little off. nothing really to worry about, as it's perfectally meaningful, beauteous language.

Quote:
hold up the looking glass and crack it in as many ways as you can,
form jagged edges to hold your image in place and study

-the first few times I read this is was really hard to grasp what you were saying because they way it was written, but when I read it alone (those two lines) it was easier to get through my head. Maybe it would flow better some other way. Meh.

Well to top that off. Great poem, I really, really enjoyed reading it.

cheers CL

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

you're too good. it's not even fair. it makes me sick, how good you are. SICK, brad!
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This thread was created on July 12, 2005

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