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by carolinewashere in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 15, 2008
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Scavenger
something kind of scavenger
Scavenger - 1.1
Scavenger - 1.3
Scavenger - 1.4

Scavenger - 1.2

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:08 pm    Post subject: Scavenger - 1.2 Reply with quote

Two

They left Londlow early the next day. It was warm with a tiny wind that whipped up strands of the carthorse’s mane and blew dust into their eyes, making Quennel curse loudly. Morley blinked and said nothing.

The Raven sat in the back of the cart, the lead attached to her collar tied to a large heavy crate that held most of Quennel and Morley’s clothes and possessions. The other luggage included a leather trunk and a smaller crate containing two scrawny chickens who sat dispirited and silent, heads drooping. Morley, wedged between the trunk and large crate, held a small canvas bag. Quennel sat on the seat up front, next to the carter whom he had hired to drive them to Selseaton.

The cart rattled from side to side, first over the cobblestones of Londlow’s streets, then onto the road that led out of the city into the countryside. Houses changed to hedges, and they turned onto a smaller road, leaving the traffic of carts and horses and coaches behind. The way ran ahead, divided into three parts: dusty grey earth rubbed bare by cart wheels and a strip of untouched grass in the middle.

Lying on her back, the Raven could see the sky burning bright blue above, like a wide, smooth bowl turned upside down. It was as though she were inside the bowl, looking up at the carefully glazed base. Smears of thick white paint – clouds – hung motionless in the blue, making pictures of people and animals within themselves.

She sighed and closed her eyes, feeling the hot floor of the cart press against her cheek. The sky was so beautiful. No matter what happened, the sky was always beautiful. Something Elven deep inside the Raven made her crack open one eyelid and stare upwards, momentarily dazzled by the everlasting blue of the sky.

The cart jolted; Quennel swore again. Lazily but carefully, she reached out with her mind and felt for his thoughts. They were not interesting or even very coherent – a stream of grumbles and feelings: the seat was too hard, the sun too hot, the dust too annoying, and the carter too stupid. Then one solid thought formed: All right for the hybrid, cursed creature. The Raven Sensed him turn and scowl at her. Asleep, lazy beast.

She smiled smugly to herself and closed her eyes again. Quennel turned back, and, wriggling a little on the hard-boarded, jolting floor of the cart, the Raven went to sleep.

---

A sharp poke in her side awakened her a few hours later. The cart had stopped by an inn and the carter was getting down and unhitching the horse. Morley poked her again. ‘Get up.’

‘What’re we stopping for, Morley-sir?’ she asked, jumping stiffly down.

‘Drink and a rest.’

‘Do I get either of those?’

‘Rest, yes. Drink, if you’re good.’ Quennel wrapped her lead around his wrist and nodded to Morley. ‘Go and ask the landlord if we can borrow an extra stall.’

‘Stable stall?’

Yes, Morley, a stable stall. Say it’s for an exhibit. We can’t take it in with us, after all, can we?’

Morley shrugged and went into the inn. A few minutes later he was back. ‘He says it’s all right, so long as it ain’t anything what’ll scare ’is ’orses.’

‘Well, we’re fine there.’ Quennel handed my lead to Morley. ‘Go stable it. I’ll be inside. Make sure that it’s secure. No, wait – stay with it yourself.’

Morley opened his mouth to protest, shut it, bit his lip, and then asked, ‘Can I have a drink first?’

‘If you’re good.’ Quennel laughed and entered the inn.

Morley made a rude gesture at the inn door and led the Raven to the stable, which was a long, thin building attached onto the inn at the back. Inside it was light and airy, smelling of hay and leather and manure. A row of stalls ran against the right-hand side, and a ladder leading to a hayloft stood at the end.

Morley opened one of the stalls at the end and led the Raven in. He tied her lead to a ring set low in the wall and bolted the low door. Then he hesitated. She blinked owlishly at him. He sighed and said, ‘Behave. If you’re good, then I’ll bring you a drink. If you’re naughty, then you won’t get a drink and Quennel will beat you. Understand?’

The Raven nodded and sat down meekly. ‘Yes’m.’

Morley left. She heard him close the stable door. After waiting a minute or two, she reached up and untied the lead. The horse in the stall next to her – a chestnut with a long, thin nose – gave her a cursory glance and then turned back to staring at the wall.

The Raven swung her lead around in the air, enjoying the whitt-whitt-whitt-whitt sound of whirling leather. There was a spider struggling to reach the top of the door. It slipped and swung on its thread, legs waving frantically. She caught it on her finger and stuck its thread on the wall. The spider caught and began to climb. It found a knothole and rested there a moment before continuing its journey. When it reached the sloping ceiling, it scuttled around aimlessly for a bit before settling down. It twitched a front leg triumphantly and began to spin.

The Raven wrapped the end of the lead around her wrist and put her hands on the wall that connected her stall to the empty one next to it. She hoisted herself up and swung a leg over the edge of the stall. It wasn’t thick enough to sit comfortably astride, so very carefully, holding onto the beam that ran above her head to the spine of the roof, she stood up. Her bare toes gripped the stall edge; she could just feel the rough wood under her brine-toughened soles.

Her next door neighbour turned his head as far as his halter would allow and stared at her, his ears flicking back and forth. Odd thing. Danger. Danger? Odd thing up. Big. Big? Man. Small. Cat? Bird? Odd thing. Danger.

Odd thing good, the Raven told him, a grin spreading over her face. She let go of the beam and spread her arms out. A half-buried memory floated to the surface of her mind; someone not so long ago, someone with long, kind hands and golden eyes and a seer’s mind…

She took a step forward and another, humming under her breath, then out loud: ‘Boys and girls of every age, wouldn’t you like to see something strange? Come with us and you will see – this our town of Halloween…’

A longer step and she stuck her leg out to one side. ‘This is Halloween, everybody make a scene. Trick or treat ’till the neighbours gonna die of fright…’

She pivoted around and made a circle in the air with her arms. Then another step and she reached up to touch the ceiling beam. ‘I am the one hiding under your stairs; fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair.’

Her feet groped to find her balance, slipping a little. She swayed and recovered again. The stable was quiet; her high, quiet singing hardly disturbed the dust motes that danced in the rays of sunlight falling through the skylight onto the floor. ‘Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween…’

She gripped the ceiling beam and carefully lifted her right leg straight up, feeling the muscles stretch as she touched her toes to her right ear. ‘Tender lumplings everywhere, life’s no fun without a good scare! That’s our job but we’re not mean, in our town of –’

‘What the hell!’

The Raven froze. Four stable boys stood in the doorway, their eyes sticking out like they had goitre.

There was a long, long silence. Then the Raven slowly lowered her arms to her sides. As if that had been a signal, they rushed forward. She leapt down back into the stall, knees bent, and pressed herself into the back right corner. They stared at her over the door.

‘Gorblimey,’ one breathed.

‘Wha’ is it?’

‘It was singing…’

The Raven took a deep breath. ‘Singing is a very generous term.’

They leaped back, creating a very comic effect. ‘Wha’…’

‘Did it…?’

‘I thought…’

She stood up, went to the lower door and looked at them over the top. They stared at each other for a few minutes, then the biggest of the boys slowly reached out a hand. Very quickly and lightly, he touched her arm.

‘Flesh and blood,’ she said.

‘Where?’ He snatched his hand back hurriedly.

The Raven rolled her eyes. ‘No, asen. I,’ – she pointed to herself – ‘a-am,’ – she spread her fingers wide – ‘flesh and blood.’ She gave a wide, exaggerated smile and blinked her eyes.

They goggled. She pointed with her chin to the red-haired one. ‘Pockets. Sandwich.’

Redhead frowned. ‘How’d you know what I got in my pockets?’

She smiled. ‘I smell mustard.’

‘Oh.’

‘Give me a bit.’

‘What? No!’

‘Go on,’ she wheedled. ‘Gimme. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme –’

‘Shut up!’

‘Gimme gimme gimme gimme –’

‘And just what is going on here?’ Quennel demanded. He strode forward; the boys gulped, began to stammer excuses and the Raven dropped down into a crouch on the floor.

‘We didn’t do nothing, sir…’

‘We was just lookin’…’

‘We heard it…’

‘Then it just started gabblin’…’

‘Never saw anything like it…’

‘It wanted my sandwich…’

Quennel yanked the stall door open and pulled the Raven up by her collar. He gripped her chin and turned her face up towards him. She looked at the floor and refused to meet his eyes. He frowned, then said to the boys, ‘Did you do anything to it? No,’ – sarcastically – ‘of course you didn’t.’

‘We didn’t, honest!’

Quennel flapped a hand at them. ‘Go away. If you fiddle with her again, I’ll see that you all lose your jobs.’

‘Oooh, sir!

‘Believe me, I will.’

‘Yes, sir.’ They left reluctantly, looking back and whispering.

Quennel tightened his grip. ‘What,’ he asked, ‘did you do?’

‘Nothing.’

He pressed her collar against her throat, his fingers digging into her neck. ‘What did you do?’

‘Nothing. I just… got up on the stall and… and sang.’

‘Sang? Sang about what?’

‘Jack Skellington,’ she muttered.

‘What?’

‘Jack Skellington,’ the Raven said, louder. ‘The Pumpkin King.’

Quennel pushed his face close to hers. ‘Talk properly,’ he said, each consonant sharp with precision.

‘I am. You just don’t know who Jack Skellington is.’

Quennel released her collar and hit her smartly across the face. She stumbled back into the far corner, her hand pressed against her cheek.

‘Don’t speak to me like that again.’ Quennel pointed a finger at her. ‘Do you hear? Don’t you ever speak to me like that again.’

‘Yes. I mean, no…’

‘No what?’

‘No, master.’

‘Good.’ He opened the door and went out, bolting it shut after him.

The Raven stared up at the ceiling. The spider had begun a web, weaving and gluing silk like the whole world depended on it.

---

Comments on the characters appreciated, please. And if there's any places where it's in first when it should be third. ><


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Last edited by TL G-Wooster on Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:53 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Chapter 2! I absolutely love this story! It's so different (in a good way Razz)

Ok... On with the review! Nitpicks again, but I'll do a lovely rant about the characters after!

Quote:
and we turned onto a smaller road


Switches from 3rd to 1st person here, probably just a typo though.

Quote:
paint – clouds –


Personally, I don't think the word "clouds" is needed here - but that could be just me.

Quote:
The cart jolted; Quennel swore.


At the start you said that Quennel cursed, so maybe say "swore again"?

Quote:
Come with us and you will see – this our town of Halloween


I love the link made with Nightmare before Christmas here (plus i love the film so it's all good)! Very Happy

Ok. Characters:

Quennel this guy is evil. Don't like him. But the way you describe his relationship with the Raven is very effective and you highlight his personality very well.

The Raven Definitely some signs of a sense of humour in there! But I think maybe you should make her a bit more wary of her master after he hits her. Maybe add in body movements like shaking or curling up away from him? Just something to show he's a scary person to be around I really like the sense of helplessness you give her and the way she was daydreaming about the clouds.

Morley We need to see a bit more of his character. How does he feel around Quennel? He's supposed to be sort of an evil sidekick person so is he scared of him or does he just sorta do what he says and grumble? Add a bit more to him.

Well that's all I got. Hope I've been of some help and PM me when you post more!

happy-go-lucky

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

TL G-Wooster wrote:

It wasn’t thick enough to sit comfortably astride, so very carefully, holding onto the beam that ran above my head to the spine of the roof, she stood up.

“above my head” – first person.

She leapt down back into the stall, knees bent, and pressed myself into the back right corner. They stared at her over the door.

“pressed myself” – first person.


Oooh, Twitter, I really like this. Your description, particularly of the sky and the clouds was beautifully done. I didn’t like the way The Raven talked to the boys, well, just the “gimme gimme gimme...” bit. Of course, I’m not so familiar with her yet, and you know your characters better than I. ^^ But, it felt so... persistent... so different to how she’s been before, quiet and restrained.

I love The Raven, though. She’s a beautiful character, the sarcasm and intelligence do well, and I enjoyed her singing. I like the way she and others interact, there’s always this sense of wary acceptance of her fate.

Overall, your characterisation is done very well, we get distinct ideas about each character and how they are as social beings. Your description is lovely, as I mentioned, and you cover all the bases needed for me to delve into the narrative.

You’ve certainly something here that’s interesting and new to me. ^^ I look forward to the next instalment.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Wooster! I really enjoyed the first part, so naturally I expect super awesomeness from this part as well.

Quote:
Lying on her back, the Raven could see the sky burning bright blue above, like a wide, smooth bowl turned upside down. It was as though she were inside the bowl, looking up at the carefully glazed base

- First of all, gorgeous intro.
- Second, I feel like in this quoted excerpt that you're repeating yourself unnecessarily. "Like a wide, smooth bowl...", "It was as though she were inside the bowl".... I think you should combine these two sentences so you don't play off the bowl imagery twice, since these sentences felt separate in my head.
- Despite that, I love the bowl description.

The insertion of the Halloween song I found sort of strange, because I hadn't thought of this world as a contemporary world that matches ours. I sort of pictured this as either an alternate universe or some other world. I think if you want to use that song, you have to mention more contemporary items so it doesn't seem out of place. I don't THINK you've mentioned cars or earphones or anything like that, so like I said, the song seemed very strange to see.

Quote:
The Raven rolled her eyes. ‘No, asen. I,’ – she pointed to herself – ‘a-am,’ – she spread her fingers wide – ‘flesh and blood.’ She gave a wide, exaggerated smile and blinked her eyes.

This confused me. Why is she talking like that?

I didn't notice anymore first person. But I absolutely adore the Raven. She's an absolutely adorable character, and I'm so glad you didn't give her a name because her title of Raven makes the story even better because it further dehumanizes her. I know eventually she'll probably get a name. I actually can't wait to read more of her character, because she is very intriguing.

Also, about the boy from the first chapter... does he make a return? I'm really hoping he does, because he seemed to have a lot of characterization and I would feel sort of upset if you put all that effort into him just having one scene. I did feel like we spent a lot of time with him, and I would like him to make another appearance, anyways!

Amazingly good story, Wooster... I can't wait for the next part! PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:57 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Oh! here I am at the second part. First: Again well written and so. Nothing to say about your way of writing, but... *oh Jesus! Here she goes!*

Quote:
It was warm with a tiny wind that whipped up strands of the carthorse’s mane and blew dust into their eyes, making Quennel curse loudly. Morley blinked and said nothing.

- A "tiny" wind shouldn't be able to blow dust in their eyes and the whole thing... Change into, maybe, a harsh wind .

Quote:
...making pictures of people and animals within themselves.

- You should continue with her thoughts: "Hmm... A dog, no, no! A pig! Maybe Morley in a bad mood." She giggled silently trying to not give away her joy.

Quote:
...the everlasting blue of the sky.

- Everlasting - about time. Maybe you should change it in never ending?

Quote:
They all leaped back at the same time as one, creating a very comic effect. ‘Wha’…’

- You need to explain how the leaped back. You are the writer - You have the story in your mind but we have no actual idea of what you "saw" in that action.

Quote:
Quennel pushed his face close to hers, the smell of beer leaving her a little dizzy.

- A little add there.

Quote:
‘Yes. I mean, no…’

‘No what?’

‘No, master.’

- The question is "Do you hear?" so it should be:
Quote:
No. I mean, yes..

Yes what?

Yes master.


That's all. Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The names really amuse me...I just keep saying "Quennel" to myself. It truly has a great sound...pointless message, sorry

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry this has taken a while, I've had the evillest cold and haven't bee able to think straight for days ><;


Quote:
The other luggage included a leather trunk and a smaller crate containing two scrawny chickens who sat dispirited and silent, heads drooping.


Quote:
carts and horses and coaches behind.

the two 'ands' disrupt the flow. Coaches are typically pulled by horses in any case, so maybe you could simply say 'carts and coaches'.

Quote:
the dust too annoying,

I would suggest removing the 'too' here, it makes the statement seem childish.

Quote:
The Raven nodded and sat down meekly. ‘Yes’m.’


'Yes'm' is short for 'yes ma'am'. Shouldn't it be 'yessir'?
Quote:

under her brine-toughened soles


Does she soak her feet in vinegar or watery soup?


Quote:
She leapt down back into the stall, knees bent, and pressed myself into the back right corner. They stared at her over the door.


you've mixed up third and first person, here.




Quote:
He strode forward; the boys gulped, began to stammer excuses and I dropped down into a crouch on the floor.


And again, 'I' is first person.


The ending, the only thing I could think of is, wouldn't he have tied her back up, more secure this time? To leave her loose is to risk her escaping through a crack in the wall, the skylight, whatever.

Overall this is very very well written, and I love how you've given the Raven a childish side. Quennel and Morely are also developing, though I would suggest you don't let them totally slip into 'the fool and the greedy intelligent one' henchmen category.
The descriptions worked well and I found few mistakes. Again it was a pleasure to read. Just watch out for the first- person third-person thing, that seemed to be the only major flaw.

^^

-Nutty

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Something Elven deep inside the Raven made her crack open one eyelid and stare upwards


perhaps "something Elven" is too precise? I mean, I don't know The Raven's backstory, but generally this kind of thing is hinted at with "something inside her" or "something in her blod" etc. That it is so clearly defined as something Elven just seems a little blase for how elves are normally seen (although elves are obviously seen differently in this world).

Your characterisation is fantastic. You show how characters relate to one another and the world around them (especially the Raven) to a level I haven't seen in a long time.

Quick Q on the Raven name though. It's a touch cliche in a "sounding cool" kind of way. It certainly fits in well with your character and her situation, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the cliche.

and I love the Raven's style, she is a very likeable protagonist (if that is what she is), this is a novel that I would be engrossed in by now. I'm jealous.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again I am loving this story, such uniqueness. There's something so raw about the Raven. The way you have describe her cloud watching is that of sheer talent. Most would add it to just pass time such as you maybe but looking up at the sky is boring to most, but you put up this imaginary wall of clearness across the sky showing the things people see while cloud watching.

Your characters are just meant for your story sooo.... neatly picked and choosen for such a story. And i forget to include im my review of 1.1 that Quennel is such controling towards the Raven forcing such thoughts into her head. Will she realize some one could love her??? Or even set her free???

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