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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 15, 2008
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Until death do us part

Topic ID: 37319
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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 5:27 pm    Post subject: Until death do us part Reply with quote

It was the last battle; blood sprayed everywhere like an angry waterfall. I could taste its metallic tang on my lips, I could feel its warm and sticky liquid as it hit my arm. My once snow white horse was now red, almost black. The ground was slick and my mare often lost her footing.

We were winning. Dragons swooped low in the sky, taking out our enemies. Trees left standing were burning from the torturing fire. There was a low loss of life. I was only searching frantically for one person though. My other half. Derrick. He was missing in action.

They had told us that he would be at this camp, so where was he?

"Private!" I heard someone yell urgently. My horse swiveled around to face the one who addressed me. "He's been found, follow me!"

Kicking my horse into a gallop I urged her faster, I had to find him. Battle cries were being sounded all around us as I tried to block them out. A whizzing arrow hit my horse square in the chest.

I was thrown into blood and landed on a body. I looked up to see a gruesome monster that dripped blood and had pointed fangs smiled evilly at me and raised his sword to finish me. Whipping out my own I met his with a clang of defience.

I would not die before I got to him, I had promised that I would marry him. Derrick had begged me to marry him before all this madness had began. But I had refused. I wish I hadn't. It was too late now though. If we both made this out alive I would marry him tomorrow.

Countering the beast's moves, I mimicked it. Fighting what others would call dirty I tripped the gastly beast. All was fair in love and war. I smiled to myself at the irony of the statement. Raising my sword to finish him off, I felt an arrow take flight and lodge in my back.

Gasping with pain, I drove my sword into the creatures weak spot, effectively killing him. Turning around, I knew I had to see my attacker before my life expired. It was Derrick holding a bow, he dropped it with surprised agony on his face. He made it to me before I faded into blackness.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he cried.

"You were always a poor shot," I mumbled.

Smiling at him I gazed into his blue eyes. They were so beautiful.

Using up my remaining strength I raised up to meet his lips. We kissed for the last and final time. My lips lingered on his. Gently pulling away I repeated my former thought, " All's fair in love and war," I gasped with my last breaths, smiling. His weak laughter - and sobbing was the last thing I heard as I felt lifted and expired.


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Last edited by Kaylyn on Sat Oct 18, 2008 1:30 pm; edited 3 times in total
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The Cheshire Cat   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent job! You played with the reader's emotions well and effectively painted a picture of a battle scene. I have a few little grammer mistakes however...

Quote:
It was the last battle, blood sprayed everywhere like an angry waterfall. I could taste it on my lips


The comma should be either . or ;. Otherwise add an 'and' in before 'blood'

What does the blood taste like? Metallic, sickly sweet, dirty...?


Quote:
We were winning. Dragons swooped low in the sky, taking out our enemies. Trees left standing were burning from the torturing fire. There was a low loss of life. I was only searching frantically for one person though. My other half. Derrick. He was missing in action.


Mmmm I like this paragraph. Nice disctiptive job.

Quote:
I was thrown into blood and landed on a body. A gruesome monster that dripped blood and had pointed fangs smiled evilly at me and raised his sword to finish me. Whipping out my own I met his with a clang of defience.


The monster arriving is too sudden. Did she land on her back so she could see it right away? Or on her stomach, so it would have had to make a noise for her to notice him?

Quote:
I would not die before I got to him, I had promised that I would marry him.


change the ',' to either a ';' or a '-'
*crys DX Nuuuuu! Don't kill her/him!*

Quote:
It was to late now though.


Should be 'too'.

Quote:
I countered the beasts moves with mimicking it


I'm pretty sure if you re-read this you'll see it kinda reads funny. Try switching the 'with' with a comma instead.


Aww that was so sad! I loved it though. I'm dying to know more about the characters, it was a shame that this is just a short story and not something more...Still... *cries*

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Cheshire Cat, I really appriciate the critique. Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's sad!! There isn't much to review. But everything has been said by Cheshire Cat... You got me hooked!...Desperately waiting for the next part

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Who says there is a next part? wahahaha... *cough* i have been thinkinn about extending the story though.

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*edited*

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This thread was created on October 15, 2008

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