Topic ID: 37299
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The_Vizier
Junior Writer
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Age: 19
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Country: India
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:41 am Post subject: have you ever felt lost? this is such a poem. |
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LAST VERSES OF A MAN ADRIFT IN A SEA
The open sea ahead, a shimmering mirror;
The vast expanse of infinite waters
Whispers that the horizon
Awaits me, to reach its full reach;
And that the deep plunge into its womb,
Purges and pales the clouds above from view.
The small white boat desolate
In the big blue sea.
It sails forth, then rocked back by the waves.
This cradle lost in the sea
Of infinity. Its sails are drawn;
Its canvas is torn. It shall be
Here for long; its sailor adrift.
The gulls shriek with the coming storm.
There is no calm before the storm.
The winds break upon mammothic waves.
The sea is a cauldron pot stirred
With such ferocity. Then its now that
Heaven and the waters meet.
This fervid amalgamation.
Will be the end of me. |
Last edited by The_Vizier on Wed Oct 15, 2008 5:19 am; edited 1 time in total |
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errtu2
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Country: East of Eden
100 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 4:21 am Post subject: |
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Good lord, finally some real poetry. Nothing is in this poems is too obvious but nothing is caught in atavistic obscurity or, even worse, abstract obscurity. Not much to criticize, without me getting picky with my own personal prejudices. Well almost nothing, I always have misgivings of young writers, however good, taking on a topic as aweful as the complete loneliness of being lost and forgotten.
Kudos for using amalgamation in a sentence.
Keep it up brother, keep it right up. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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This was beautiful and your words jump off the page. You are an amazing poet, I can tell by this wonderfully executed literary painting. You have a rhythm that speaks on its own and I like that. The title was lovely and it fit the poem. Please continue to write great poems such as this.
Ta,
~Angel |
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Stella_Grrl
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I really love this poem... It's so beautiful and well written. Like the person above me said the words jump right off the page. I can see what your words paint in my mind so vividly. I hope you continue to write because I can't wait to read more! |
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esteria
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:47 am Post subject: |
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| from your question about ever feeling lost, well i have felt really lost at some point in my life and this poem it does remind me of how i felt back then!!! really good and able to make the reader feel what you want them to feel from the poem...nice work |
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Sam
starface
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446 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
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Hey again, Vizier!
You still have the traditional-verse thing going on, but it was much improved--it's reminiscent of 19th century poets, but completely your own style. Win! Keep on developing your ideas in this manner, and you'll continue to improve.
Quick things:
- Again, don't capitalize the first words of each line, because it creates unnecessary pause and emphasis. If you want to emphasize those words, that's fine--but make sure it's a decision you make, not just something that goes down onto the page via auto-pilot (or auto-poem?).
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The gulls shriek with the coming storm.
There is no calm before the storm. |
When you're writing a poem with repetitive imagery, you have to take extra pains to make your language non-repetitive, as well. Otherwise, it creates a predictable rhythm, and when you're writing a poem with images focusing on being lost at sea, you definitely don't want anything to be predictable.
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Thanks for the read! Feel free to PM if you have any questions. |
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