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by Teddybear22 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on October 13, 2008
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Roma and Julius

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Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:50 am    Post subject: Roma and Julius Reply with quote

Roma and Julius

By Angel of Death



This is the tale of a beautiful princess doll named Roma

Who resided in a girl's toy chest in Oklahoma,

And a handsome prince doll named Julius

Who lived in a castle at Toys-R-Us...

One day Roma's parents grew very sad

She was the only daughter they ever had 

And she refused to get married

Roma's mother Verona argued that her choices varied

"Many ask for your hand everyday."

Verona would say.

"But I don't want to marry." Roma would protest.

Verona always interrupted, caring nothing less.

"If you marry Prince Plaid, you'll make me proud."

No, mom, he's too loud.

"What about Lord Lion, like you, he's perfect and bold."

 Too old.

"King Kite is flexible and he travels a lot." 

Mom, he was injured the day he was bought. 

"Roma it really doesn't matter. Just pick a suitor before I get thrown away in the Trash."

I have plenty of time to choose, so I believe we've come to an impasse

Weeks passed and Roma still waited for love

For it was the only thing she could think of

She dreamed of finding her melody to life's duet

But each day she dreamed, the lonelier she'd get

One day a royal carriage came to town

Turning everyone's normal smile into a frown

The Mattels were enemies in the land of Toy

They were the rage with every girl and boy 

Roma's family hated them because they stole the throne

Leaving them without an atone

Curious about the Mattels, Roma went out to see them

In the town of Junk, thats where she saw him

He was beautiful, with large blue eyes and curly brown hair

She couldn't help but stare

They locked eyes for about one second, smiles rising on their faces

Then next thing you knew they were sharing embraces

It was love at first sight

But unfortunately they couldn't be, it wasn't right

Prince Plaid spotted the two star-crossed lovers and went straight to Verona

Hoping that in time he'd have the hand of fair Roma

Verona was furious and flew into town

Searching for Roma all around

When she found her, she pulled her away from Julius

All the while, Roma put up a fuss

She was thrust into the arms of Prince Plaid

And forced to marry him, which made her very sad

As for Julius, he was exiled from the toy chest in Oklahoma 

But before he left, he promised he'd be back for his sweet Roma

Days passed by as Roma waited for Julius to return

The love that ignited in her soul continued to burn

One day a nurse came to her and said,

"Prince Julius is fighting with Prince Plaid,"

Roma worried that Julius wouldn't win

But she hoped he would come and take her again

Hours passed as Roma waited

The sun set into the night, and the pink sky faded.

"Julius is dead." the nurse announced sighing.

"Oh no." Roma replied crying

As days went by, Roma's days became less placid

Not wanting to live without her Julius she drunk some acid

Later the nurse was beheaded for her lie

She claimed that Verona said she had to do it or else she'd die

Julius found his sweet Roma in her bed

Dead

Not wanting to live worlds apart

Julius took a needle and stabbed himself in his heart

Roma's parents and the Mattels found Roma and Julius's dead bodies holding hands

It was then they decided to stop the feud that separated the two lands

This was the tale of Roma and Julius

A story of two lover's that loved each other so much

That they'd risk making their parents angry

Who would have thought their death would bring unity?

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Last edited by Angel of Death on Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Mrs Elizabeth Darcy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really cute...I love how you translated it into a toy story.

In some places, though, your rhythm was a little off. You might want to add a few feet to, for example, "No, mom, he's too loud," and take out "like you," from the description of Lord Lion to make it run better. And there should be a space between "saw" and "him". And maybe a question mark after "What about Lord Lion" ?

The story had me laughing...The toys were so cute! How he stabbed himself with a pin! It's so sweet. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Mrs. Darcy! I really had fun writing this and I appreciate you taking the time to review this.
~Angel

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice!

A lovely tale you've got here. The rhyming was well done and the rhythm, I must agree, was a little off sometimes. But it works for this poem, in my opinion.

I love how you took the cliche aspect of this and twisted it up; not many people know how to do that. I applaud you.

It was sweet and it had me smiling. I enjoyed it so much. This must have taken you some time, huh?

Nothing to crit here, just a star! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was so cute! I loved how you transferred it into a toy version of Romeo and Juliet, with the names switched! The name switching was very amusing. Very Happy

It must've taken you some time to do this.

The only thing that I saw wrong was:

Quote:
In the town of Junk, thats where she sawhim


You just forot to put a space in between saw and him.

Other than that, it was completely perfect!

Fifty cookies for you! ^_^

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amazing talent. I could never had done that. great job!!

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