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This thread was created on October 13, 2008
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You say nothing to me.
Topic ID: 37250
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kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: You say nothing to me. |
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(just experimenting with structure here, so please look at it objectively  )
Cut me with your silence!
...
Sharper than any word could be polished to.
You used to speak with me a lot; now never.
I see you occasionally in the hallways of our school, passing glances.
That -
Bore-
In-
To-
Me-
Why?
Just a look, with no malice or hate... Just a look.
I'd give anything for an insult, something. Anything...
Say something to me. |
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playerj09
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Oct 2008
Posts: 71
Reviews: 26
Country: United States
200 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: |
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'ello
I haven't ever seen a poem set up like this, or anything really like this actually so good job for being unique
As for the actual poem it was alright I think. Yeah its about a sad lonely person who wants attention from a certain someone but this leaves me craving more information about the situation. if you polished it up a bit more then it would really be a good poem! |
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The Killers are the pie and I guess [my] looks are the cherry.” - Brandon Flowers |
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Anna Graham
Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 02 Aug 2008
Posts: 89
Reviews: 35
Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"
349 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: Re: You say nothing to me. |
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Hello there! I love new ideas, so let's see how yours turns out, eh?
| kris wrote: |
(just experimenting with structure here, so please look at it objectively )
Cut me with your silence! I like it. It's abrupt and clear figuratively.
...
Sharper than any word could be polished to. This to seems like it's hanging out a bit to me, like it's not completely necessary.
You used to speak with me a lot; now never. I've got a feeling you could say this better. Just a thought.
I see you occasionally in the hallways of our school, passing glances.
That -
Bore-
In-
To-
Me-
Why?
Just a look, with no malice or hate... Just a look.
I'd give anything for an insult, something. Anything...
Say something to me. |
Very intriguing. I think the breaks worked out nicely, accenting each word. And I can see what you're saying. It's like a comment on a very human reaction. Let's just say I'm feeling it, my friend.
Well done!
--Anna |
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ScottieRAWR
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 0
Country: Scotland
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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Very well done, I love the way you're showing that being ignored by the person you love can hurt more than having them insult you.
Please write more |
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| This thread was created on October 13, 2008 |
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