Topic ID: 37249
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DarkAngle11
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 12
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: Love |
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Hey, this is Jacob with a new poem that came to me last night when I was listening to the radio. Enjoy!
Adrenaline rushing through my vanes.
An aching pain that seems to drain,
All my sense of rational.
It seems to consume me,
An addiction now.
I can’t think strait!
Everything’s a blur!
Only one thing’s on my mind.
Only one thing is for sure.
I’m ADDICTED to the Love.
The Love I get from her. |
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TWILIGHT MOVIE 11*21*08
~Molly and Jake~ |
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blonde&confused
Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 18 Feb 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 22
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hi just read your poem and thought i'd attempt a review. I liked your general idea and there were some really good lines such as the first two.
Your rhythym is quite irregular, but was this what you were going for to show that the person is thinking clearly?
You have some good rhyme, but the poem could be improved by having more rhyme or something to give it a more regular rhytym, such as having a similar number of syllables in your lines.
There were some spelling mistakes, which i assume just slipped past you as you were typing quickly such as 'vanes' in the first line which should be spelt veins and 'strait' which should be spelt straight. These are easy to miss so it's worth running spell check before you post things.
Only other thing is that you repeat 'seems to' in the second and fourth line. Which is fine if you were making a point of that, but otherwise the repetition does make the lines not flow as well as they could.
Same issue with the 2 exclamation points.
Other than those points, it was a very good poem and you should definitely write some more. Hope some of what i said was helpful and that at least half of what i thought i managed to communicate intelligently.
All the best,
Holly |
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H. Edwards |
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blonde&confused
Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 18 Feb 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 22
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hi just read your poem and thought I'd attempt a review. I liked your general idea and there were some really good lines such as the first two.
Your rhythm is quite irregular, but was this what you were going for to show that the person is thinking clearly?
You have some good rhyme, but the poem could be improved by having more rhyme or something to give it a more regular rhyme, such as having a similar number of syllables in your lines.
There were some spelling mistakes, which i assume just slipped past you as you were typing quickly such as 'vanes' in the first line which should be spelt veins and 'strait' which should be spelt straight. These are easy to miss so it's worth running spell check before you post things.
Only other thing is that you repeat 'seems to' in the second and fourth line. Which is fine if you were making a point of that, but otherwise the repetition does make the lines not flow as well as they could.
Same issue with the 2 exclamation points.
Other than those points, it was a very good poem and you should definitely write some more. Hope some of what i said was helpful and that at least half of what i thought i managed to communicate intelligently.
All the best,
Holly |
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H. Edwards |
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Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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i like it...it simple, short but intriguing from beginning to end. the rhyming scheme is pretty good and the feeling that u display is awesome...like totaly bittersweetness kindda. i love how oyu didnt just go on and on and on about nothing. u stated ur emotion and wrote each word with a strenghth. awesome job!!!!  |
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vixeyt
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2007
Posts: 144
Reviews: 37
Country: United Kingdom
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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There was a few technical errors I could pick up on but I don't do that. That's not how I review. I review the actul piece, not the technical stuff.
Right, short and sweet. Simple and straight to the point. Not strenched out forever and ever. Very good. Inspiration comes from the strangest things, I mean. One of my poems was the product of watching Legolas shooting Orcs in Fellowship Of The Ring for heavens sake. |
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Evil Is But A Perspective - Myself in roleplay as Dora Tonks
Is it the dark side of ambition or the ambitious side of darkness? - Myself during reflection |
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aztoriwhitaker
Novice
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Age: 14
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 4:57 am Post subject: |
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i liked your poem.... the rhythm could use a little work, it just doesn't flow very well.
You might want to look over some of your spelling to make sure that you didn't make mistakes before you post.
You might want to use some different vocabulary you used "seemed to" a lot... but its okay.
Also try not to use double exclamation point you kind of sidetrack what you are trying to say.
Criticism Over....
I really like the image you created in my mind it was very interesting.
I love to read poem that draw you in and you definitely succeeded
You should expand this poem into something a little longer, i know you could! it would be great. I just couldn't get enought of it . |
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LaLaland123
Novice
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Oct 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 0
Country: These United States!
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
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| Hi jacob..I'm molly's friend from SC, you got some talent in writing poems...wish i could do stuff like that. 100 stars! Haha |
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Radomocity: (RAN dumb AW city): A state of random-ness. |
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