Topic ID: 37248
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: I hate my poems |
 |
|
I hate my poems,
They’re pretty shit.
So harsh to read-
As skin is to grit.
My work is horrid,
Alas it really is.
It grates against me,
Simply writing this.
I’d buy some skills,
If only I could.
If only a store sold it
IKEA or Argos should.
I’ll not make my peace
With this utter tripe.
Reading it’s like eating
An apple that’s too ripe.
Someday I’ll stop,
And save us the pain.
Myself the humiliation,
And your soul the drain.
Fini…
See! What a terrible ending. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
blonde&confused
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 18 Feb 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 22
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Excellent poem with a very clear message and quite funny too. (at least i thought it was funny as you were obviously being ironic when you were calling your poetry bad).
Only things I'd say you could do to improve it would be to give it a more structured rhythm. You have a really nice structure in a lot of the lines by having only 4 syllables in the line and if you continued that the whole way through it might improve the rhythm.
For instance in the last line of the first stanza, there's one too many syllables i think so if you said grit against skin or like grit to skin or something like that it might fit in a little better.
Rhyming pattern is really good, i especially like the way it changes in the last stanza to show that this is your basic idea. Or at least that's what i thought you used it to do.
Anyway, as i said an excellent poem with a clear style. Hope you write some more.
All the best,
Holly |
_________________
H. Edwards |
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
You are a genius! Aw and I hope these aren't true feelings because you're an amazing poet. Well this was very relate-able and the rhythm was just how I like it to be. Free and flowing. I loved the ending the most it was perfect for this type of poem.
Thanks for the read,
~Angel |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
KookieKatie
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 84
Reviews: 53
Country: America
191 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I've read some of your other stuff before, and it's not as bad as this. I'm pretty sure you were dumbing yourself down while writing this poem to make your point sounds plausible.
And what's Argos? |
_________________
Peepsls on this website ought not to be so hatin against other writers!
It's hella hard just to post your stuff to this place, yo! |
|
| Back to top |
|
walshie
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 3
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Nice poem, dude =). Come on, just reading this tells me your writing is pretty good! |
_________________
Well she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention,
'cause that's just ridiculous. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
Reviews: 70
Country: Candyland
593 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:02 am Post subject: Re: I hate my poems |
|
|
| kris wrote: |
I hate my poems,
They’re pretty shit.
So harsh to read-
As skin is to grit.{Im sorry, but somehow, this line irks me}
My work is horrid,{Your work is fabulous! but your syllables in each line need some retouching}
Alas it really is.
It grates against me,
Simply writing this {Ugh.. This line seems too forced..Try to replace it with something else}
I’d buy some skills,
If only I could.
If only a store sold it{Too many syllables!!!}
IKEA or Argos should.
I’ll not make my peace
With this utter tripe.
Reading it’s like eating
An apple that’s too ripe.{Loved this line!}
Someday I’ll stop,
And save us the pain. <--- I loved this stanza!!
Myself the humiliation,
And your soul the drain.
Fini…
See! What a terrible ending. |
I loved this poem! Nice work on the irony  |
_________________
Got YWS?
I say "Lol" merely because I have no idea what you're talking about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Misinterpreted
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
Reviews: 12
Country: South Africa
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ironic yes Kak(shit) NO!
Someday I’ll stop,
And save us the pain.
Myself the humiliation,
And your soul the drain.
I enjoyed the Pun you So obviously conveyed here
Lol it was funny to Read YOU weren't being serious right?
Nah Didn't think so  |
_________________
“The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once” Rene Descartes |
|
| Back to top |
|
Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 445
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Another masterpiece by kris!
Really funny. I'm especially in love with that ending!
No crit here, just a star... |
_________________
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
