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	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 13, 2008

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Topic ID: 37223

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In_the_Moonlight
Writer

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 87
Reviews: 54
Country: Nartimarick- yes it does exist.....
539 Points

Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: ......

This story has been taken off the web
_________________ Some people say, Save yourself and you save your life. I say, Be yourself and you save your soul. -Estrella de Madrigal http://4fantasyreadersonly.webs.com Last edited by In_the_Moonlight on Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:53 pm; edited 2 times in total

jules4848
Writer

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 99
Reviews: 43
Country: A Medival Times Scot-Irish
332 Points

Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject:

Quote:

'reality to heavy on my shoulders'

it should be 'too'

Quote:

'I fell to the hard ground'

you have alot of description in this sentence already. take out 'hard' to make it flow better

Quote:

darkness of 'the' night

added 'the'

Quote:

I didn't need to be able to see to know that I wasn't in my house,

take out 'be able to' breaks flow of sentence

Quote:

Agony was never something I was good at bearing whether it was physical or emotional, I sucked at both.

Take out 'I sucked at both' you said that already in the beginning of the sentence

Summary: overall I liked it hez. The first paragraph needs some serious editing though. Your idea to paint a picture is good but you restating the same information in a different form.

When you read it aloud you can tell. "I fell to the ground...I was sprawled across the ground, which was probably asphalt"

Rewrite: Pain erupted through my body and with a groan I collapsed to the ground. Based on how hard the impact was I guessed I had just landed on solid asphalt.

It just sounds better and you get the description out at once instead of having it at two seperate parts of the paragraph.

That was a fun mini-edit! Don't let this bring you down I loved it. I want to know more, but it does remind me a bit of In the Moonlight didn't that have an ally way scene too. *shrugs

SEND ME MORE!!!!

_________________
"A writer is mearly a reader who knows the end of the story."
YES I WRITE MY OWN QUOTES

www.4fantasyreadersonly.webs.com 'not just books'

This thread was created on October 13, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on October 13, 2008

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