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CJeanene13
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 14
Country: Where I live...
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:43 am Post subject: No Title... A Work in Progress |
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Prologue:
I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs. The car had hit me with such force, I was sure I had broken every single bone a human body could ever possess.
The darkness in my head enveloped me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. It wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.
The pain flared again, this time worse than every before, and I knew for sure that I had screamed out. I thrashed, the pain worse. Then I heard a sound, a bitter-sweet sound. The sound I thought I would never hear again: his voice.
As I drifted in the dark sea of pain and hurt, I thought of how this all happened. It started the weekend I went to my sister in law’s house. It would be the second time I had seen him, but I didn’t know I would end up here, floating in dark pain. |
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I don't know anyone that is normal. If we were all normal we wouldn't be different. ~ME
Last edited by CJeanene13 on Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:08 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:16 am Post subject: |
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Hello,
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I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs.--loved this very powerful beginning and got me hooked
The darkness in my head enveloped me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. But it wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.--this is sad :[
The pain flared again, this time worse than every before, and I knew for sure that I had screamed out. I thrashed, the pain worse. Then I heard a sound, a bitter-sweet sound. The sound I thought I would never hear again: his voice.--i really want you to write more! |
I loved this, the word use was spectacular. You are an amazing writer, i look forward to seeing what you make of this. I could relate to this really well, it shows how much someone can hurt from love. I wish i had your talent seriously, well good luck on this.
Ta ta for now,
Mackenzie |
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FreakyDoo12
Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Reviews: 10
Country: Darkness
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, only one person reviewd this so I've jumped onto it. It was quite impressive for a prologue, as stolen hearts mentioned you are a wonder ful writer. I can't actually correct anything because stolen hearts has done the majority.
I can't wait to read more. |
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DemonHunterSociety
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 20 Sep 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 1
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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Wow i'm hooked. I can't wait for you to add more to this.
I think it's very good and well written. You are a very talented writer. Keep up the good work and let me know when you post more i'll love to read it. |
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JessicaB
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 11
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: Re: No Title... A Work in Progress |
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| CJeanene13 wrote: |
Prologue:
I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs.
The darkness in my head enveloped me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. But it wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. Don't start the sentence with but. Take out the but and Just start with It. I had to have lost him. Lost who? And how did you lose him?
The pain flared again, this time worse than every before, and I knew for sure that I had screamed out. Where is thsi pain coming from? I thrashed, the pain worse. Then I heard a sound, a bitter-sweet sound. The sound I thought I would never hear again: his voice. |
This seems really interesting. Please PM me when you add more, I would love to read more. The beginning is a little confusing, but that may be because I haven't read the first chapter? I don't know. I would really like to hear more.
PM me when you put more up.
-Jess |
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lucyy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 214
Reviews: 76
Country: UK
746 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:54 pm Post subject: |
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Heyy there, here I am for the promised review ... (:
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My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming passing through my lungs |
Great sentence - I love it!
Awesome starting paragraph - you've really drawn the reader (me) in - great job!!
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| I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him. |
I would change that comma into a semi-colon
ever
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| a bitter-sweet sound |
Great description
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| dark sea of pain and hurt |
Loving this description as well
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| sister in law’s house |
sister-in-law's
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| It would be the second time I had seen him, but I didn’t know I would end up here, floating in dark pain. |
I love the end of this sentence - really gets you wanting to know more - but how you've started doesn't seem right. I can't pin-point exactly what, but try rephrasing it. Sorry, lol, that's not very helpful, but I really can't put my finger on what exactly is wrong with the start of it - it's almost like it doesn't flow right from the previous sentence ... hmm ...
Overall
I loved this prologue!! Way to go to draw a reader in!! Woop woop  hehe. Your descriptions are just great and your style of writing is lovely. All of it flows (apart from the last sentence) beautifully and great. Just great!
I hope this review helps you out (and I'm sorry for the unhelpful comment on the end - I'll try and get back to you on that ...  ) and thank you for reading my piece as well - really appreciated Also, I would love for you to PM me when you post the next piece - you've really got me on tenterhooks, wanting to know more - so post more soon!!!! PLEASEEEEE
Good job & keep writing!!
Lucyy xx |
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tnme22
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 302
Reviews: 79
Country: USA
1026 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: Re: No Title... A Work in Progress |
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| CJeanene13 wrote: |
I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs. The car had hit me with such force, I was sure I had broken every single bone a human body could ever possess. ((I'm not sure if possess is the best word to use here. 'have' sounds to plain though, I don't know))
The darkness in my head enveloped ((oooh! good word! )) me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. It wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.
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This sounds seriously awesome!
I wanna know what happened and what comes next so bad!
Really, really good job!
Please continue this and let me know when you post something new on it!
-Carly |
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Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~ |
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