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The Uprising
The Uprising

by Buscador! in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 12, 2008
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For all Eternity - Prologue

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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:32 pm    Post subject: For all Eternity - Prologue Reply with quote

Yes, I know, another new story for those of you who follow my work. But I couldn't help it. I got this idea awhile ago and am just now doing something about it. It is a working progress so please be as harsh as you like.

Happy Reading! Very Happy

______________________

Prologue

March 12, 2007

The cool water lapped at her exposed toes and goosebumps lined her bare arms and legs, forcing her to shiver. She watched, mesmerized, as the sky darkened as if a sudden black blanket was thrown over the Earth. Clouds rolled and tumbled through the air, turning into a sickly green hue. An abrupt shout of thunder shook the ground, making her jolt in surprise. Stepping away from the increasingly agitated water, she retreated to higher ground. There, from the safety of her back porch, she continued to observe the mass hysteria that was the storm.

“Need some company?”

She looked up to see her friend, Nick Olsen from next-door, climb the wooden steps of her rotted porch.

“Sure,” she whispered softly, afraid that if she spoke too loud, it would break the spell the storm was casting.

“Pretty wicked, huh?” Nick commented, just as mesmerized as she was with the advancing waves now reaching unbelievable heights.

She glanced sideways to look at him. His hair was disheveled from the wild winds, making it stick up in odd angles. His lips were parted, black eyes wide with awe. She couldn’t deny the attraction she had for him. It wasn’t everyday that she met a boy who could compete with her six-foot-frame, but he blew her away, standing half-a-foot taller. Even if they had only been friends for a few months, she was a sucker for the tall boys.

“What?” he broke her concentration by turning to look at her.

Cheeks flaming, she quickly adverted her eyes. “Nothing,” she mumbled, thanking the Lord above for the cover of darkness to shield her pink cheeks.

“Ready for tomorrow?”

She was slightly shocked that he remembered. “Kinda. More nervous than anything else.”

He nodded in understanding. “I get that. I was too.”

“Really?” She found it hard to believe this. Nick always came off as overly confident. She couldn’t picture him ever being nervous.

“Sure.” He shifted his weight to his other foot. “I was afraid of looking stupid.”

“I bet you didn’t.”

He laughed. “Many people would beg to differ.” She just shrugged, shrinking deeper into her sweatshirt for warmth. “Got your speech all ready?”

“Yeah, as ready as it will be. Mom says she’ll get me there extra early though, so I can prepare myself.”

“Don’t freak yourself out. You’ll do great.”

“I hope so,” she whispered just as a bolt of lightening lit up the sky. It streaked through the clouds in a zigzagged pattern of florescent light.

“Sweet,” Nick mumbled, beaming.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

“Sylvia?”

“Hmm?” She turned at the sound of her name.

“Good luck with tomorrow.”

She noticed then that he was already halfway down the porch steps. “Oh, ah, yeah, thanks.” She forced a smile, hiding the disappointment she felt at him leaving.

“I have to go,” he said, as if he could sense her feelings. “Mom said I had to help her with the dishes.”

“That’s okay.”

“I’ll be there cheering you on!” he called as he walked away, his figure fading into the surrounding darkness.

She just smiled, her gaze returning to the sky. Butterflies were exploding in her stomach just thinking about tomorrow’s debate. She was still mystified at her mother’s ability to force her to join something that went against everything that she was. Did she not know that her only daughter had a tendency to stutter and blush whenever talking in front of people? Did she not know that she struggled to even make coherent sentences talking one-on-one?

Sylvia shook her head as another boom of thunder echoed in the air.

“Evening, Sylvia.” She froze at the sound of his voice. Snapping her eyes closed, she willed him away. This can't be happening! Not again. You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real! she repeated inside her head, feeling her limbs start to tremble.

She couldn’t take this. Not now. Not when her life was finally returning back to normal. She was in a new town, new school with new friends. She was finally normal. No more shrink. No more accusing parents. No more gossip.

She was free.

“Sylvia…” the voice taunted her, toyed with her, caressing her ears. She thought she had left this all behind her.

“Go away!” she cried out, clapping her hands over her ears, “Please, just go away!”

Silence.

She peeked through the slits in her eyes. Was he really gone?

She waited another moment, than breathed a sigh of relief. She was alone. It was probably just her imagining things. She really needed to get a grip. Especially with the debate coming up. She couldn’t let her team down.

With another glance at the fully-fledged storm, she left the porch for the warmth of her house. As the door closed, she swear she heard a voice whisper:

You’ll be back…


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Last edited by ashleylee on Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:02 pm; edited 3 times in total
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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash.

I guess I don't really have any real critiques to make, just a few suggestions.

I didn't really like your beginning. The whole 'exposed toes' gave the story - for me - a bad vibe. I like the idea of the storm, and I think you should delve into more description of that.

The other thing I didn't like, and found inconsistent, was the ghost talking to Sylvia. I mean, the ghost-thing is fine, don't get me wrong. But at first you said he was taunting her, and he sounded like a mean ghostie, you know? Then at the end, as if he didn't expect her to leave after he was being so immature, he was all "Don't go." See where I'm coming from?

So yepidie yeppers. That's it. I know; this review is shameful. Shut up. Don't judge me.

Anywho. Love ya. Talk to you later. Oh, and actually did like this. So keep going with it, girl.

KJ

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ashley I guess I have another story to watch for from you. I really don't know how you can keep all these ideas straight. But anyways to the review.

I, as usual, couldn't find anything grammatical to correct and all i can say is that this is a great beginning. It pretty much has a personal connection to any reader because who hasn't been nervous about being in front of people. Or liked a friend for that matter.
Sylvia obviously doesn't like the ghost but and seems like an obsessed stalker.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ:

Thanks for looking at this kels.

And I'm glad you liked it Very Happy

Will fix the thins you mentions.

Thanks again!

playerj09:

Thanks for looking at another one of my stories! Very Happy

Yeah, I need to describe the ghost thing more.

Thanks again!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*edited*

Hopefully better Wink

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi ashleylee...It seems I have timed this just right since you have just edited it!

Quote:
She watched, mesmerized, as the sky darkened as if a sudden black blanket was thrown over the Earth. Clouds rolled and tumbled through the air, turning into a sickly green hue.


I like your use of imagery here...at this point we don't know what's going but I'm feeling mesmerized with your character too!

Quote:
It wasn’t everyday that she met a boy who could compete with her six-foot-frame, but he blew her away, standing half-a-foot taller. Even if they had only been friends for a few months, she was a sucker for the tall boys.


How unusual! I like this slight twist as I'm fed of stereoptypical postings these days. Kudos for adding something different!

Quote:
She just shrugged, shrinking deeper into her sweatshirt for warmth.


I like this...very real. I really could picture it and that's great.

Quote:
It streaked through the clouds in a zigzagged pattern of florescent light.


Love the description here!

Quote:
Snapping her eyes closed, she willed him away. This can't be happening! Not again. You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real! she repeated inside her head, feeling her limbs start to tremble.


Great way of building up suspense! By this point, if it have been a film, I would have been on the edge of my seat with a cushion at the ready!

Hope you post more of this soon! I really enjoyed it!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

olivia1987uk:

Thank you so much! Very Happy

I'm glad you liked it!

I'll PM you when I post the first chapter, which should be later this week.

Thanks again!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that you started out the story very well with the storm. You let the reader know about the character such as shes a girl, tall, shy, and has an obsessed stalker. Most writers dont do it as well as you.

Conserning grammar. I didn't find any mistakes. But then again I am not very good at finding them:) Couldn't find any punctuation mistakes here either. So good job in that area.

I liked you vocabulary. It wasn't so...elementry as much. It really added to the story and I enjoyed it.

The scenery was very good. You were really descriptive and I could see everything happening. Although you could add a line somewhere like She could taste the salt on her lips. Anyways just a suggestion...

Overall you did phenominal. You have awesome work and I will be following this story closely. please PM me when you post more for I will ba happy to read and review your works.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaylyn:

Wow, thanks so much! Very Happy

I'm actually posting the first chapter right now but I'll PM you anyway Wink hehe

Thanks again! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Harsh?

There can be no Harsh words uttered from me!

I loved reading this It took me 5 Min's in total but I loved every minute of it
continue the story please!

Will YOU be back?
lol lame pun i know

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Misinterpreted:

lol Very Happy

I'm glad you liked this so much. There is actually a first chapter too if you want to check that out as well.

Thanks again! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash,

I love love loved this story. Its the perfect one, especially since its almost Halloween. Your words and descriptions were lovely, but I think a new beginning sentence is in order. I was going to just flip this when I read about water touching her feet and everything but I new that I wouldn't be disappointed because your stories are always good but...I don't know, maybe its just me. Anyways, I love your characters and I'm using love in this post a lot but its called for. Every time I read one of your stories I find something that I have in common with them. Like me and Sylvia are weak for tall guys. This was fabulous and I hope you continue this beyond Chapter 1.

Off to read Chapter 1,
~Angel

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel of Death:

Thanks Angel Very Happy

Yeah, I plan to continue this one, so no worries Wink

Thanks again!

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