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Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 12, 2008
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Chapter 2

Topic ID: 37176
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Does this have potential?
Yes
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
No
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 2

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:32 pm    Post subject: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Prologue: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37037.html

Chapter 1: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37119.html?sid=2445725ecce66c95b6e97f2bb39522f6

After a few moments in the middle of the brawl, Xylon was knocked back. So far back, that he fell against the steaming rock. Meanwhile, the crack had grown larger, so large indeed that when Xylon actually fell right into the rock. The inside of the rock looked like a emmenthaller cheese with many holes. No-one saw Xylon fall.

"Help..." Xylon muttered. He was now wedged inside the crack. He wasn't scared, just slightly surprised. The rock around him was ice cold.

"Hey!!" He called out, "Some help would be appreciated!!" He called out. Now at least somebody heard. Miss Purr, the gardener turned around, her face red from slaps.

"Every one!!" She cried out. "Xylon's stuck in the rock!!" For a few moments everyone stopped their slapping, punching, biting etc., to see what Miss Purr was going on about.

"What rock?" Burz asked bewildered.

"The steaming rock you Bastard!" Lioz called out.

"Oh," Burz said sulky. But, in one voice, everyone gasped.

"What?" Xylon asked.

"You're...you're..." but no-one could describe what they were seeing.

"Oh, he's glowing you fools!" A small man, shorter than a child said. "Oh, I've been watching you people for a while now, and not one of you has noticed me! Oh, Fools you are!" The man had a immaculate green cloak on, brown shirt, and black drawers.

"Well, I would like to be helped out!" Xylon called out, still wedged into the crack of the rock. For few moments there was absolute silence, and a bird could be heard singing in the distance.

"Oh, well, someone help him!" The small man said. Yet, still no-one moved. Even the bird stopped singing.

"Oh, well if no-one will help him I will!" The small man said again. The man didn't move.

"Oh come on!!" Xylon called out. "I can't get out myself...my legs are in the air, and my arms stuck in this rock," Then, suddenly everyone raced forward to Xylon. All but the small man. Suddenly, there was a frenzy of arms, heaving Xylon out.

"Over reaction!!" He called out, but it seemed as if no-one could hear him. Xylon was scared a bit by the sudden attack of arms, but he was sure there was a reasonable reason why they all suddenly reacted. Even though there was a army of arms pulling at Xylon, he hadn't even moved an inch.

After a few minutes of heaving, Prog, Burz's wife, screeched:

"This is hopeless!!!"

"Agree!" Burz said. "what's the point of helping Xylon, Lioz's best friend?"

"The piont is to get him out of the rock!" Lioz replied.

"And what's the point of helping you? It is after all your fault he's in there!" Burz called out.

"And how's it my fault?"

"You let us walk five bloody miles to see a steaming rock! The rock Xylon just fell into!"

"Oh, why did we walk five miles any way?" The small man asked.

"Yes!" Burz agreed. "To see a steaming rock? And now our already troubled minds have to deal with why the rock is steaming!"

"The only mind that's troubled is yours!" Lioz screamed back.

"No, I don't have to think about that, but I do have think of why my meat doesn't taste like it always used to!"

"You put to much salt on it." Dragoz, the spice merchant said.

"He didn't even put salt on it, I did!" Prog said.

"Well, It's a woman's work anyway." Burz said.

"Is not!" Xylon, still wedged into the rock called out. "I put salt on my rice!"

"And me!"

"And me!" The replies came.

"Well, then you're all women!" Burz called out. Lioz hit him. And soon, the same brawl was going on. Only Xylon saw the small man smirking,a long smoking pipe in the corner of is mouth.

As night drew on, Xylon sat, or rather lay, forgotten,still wedged into the rock. the brawling bunch had left him, to go and taste if Bruz's' meat rally needed more thyme...or was it coriander? No-one could really remember any more. And strangely, not one of them had hear Xylon's pleas. Soon, i was indeed night, and the whole village of Herrio was drunk in Voz's pub. there was no moon that night. Xylon heard soft steps on the turf.

"Who's there?" Xylon asked wearily.

"Oh...no-one," Came a voice.

"Please help me," Xylon pleaded.

"Oh, What's in it for me." the voice came again out of the darkness.

"For goodness sake!" Xylon cried out, "Can't you see I'm stuck in here, I can't give you anything till I'm out, my hands are stuck!"

"Oh well that's a pity." The voice said. Xylon heard something wooden being placed. then, judging from the steps that had stopped, the person had gone to sit.

"Come on, please," Xylon pleaded.

"Oh, not till I get something before hand." The voice said. This was going to be a long night. Xylon stared at Herrio's light's, in the distance. He wished he could be there.


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Last edited by Reuben A on Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lord Anzius   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did Lioz forget him???????

Why do they fight all the time?

Toooo confusing.

Why did all of the people run to help him?

What is the steaming rock?

Where are they? Describe more.

Otherwise... I think the last chapter was better.

But this was wellllllll.... Good...

Just being Honest. Smile


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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The writing is good, but you need more detail or the readers are going to get lost while reading.

I noticed something big, you put in parenthesizes (I say screeched because of her voice's high-pitch)
You shouldn't need to explain that. You're not doing your job as a writer if you have to explain something. So just work on that.

And, add more details so its not so confusing. Also, follow what the other reviewers said, they have got some good points too!

-Jess

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
After a few moments in the middle of the brawl, Xylon was knocked back. So far back, that he fell against the steaming rock. Meanwhile, the crack had grown larger, so large indeed that when Xylon actually fell right into the rock. The inside of the rock looked like a emmenthaller cheese with many holes. No-one saw Xylon fall.


This paragraph seemed very non-committal. You are constantly modifying the previous sentences, which makes it kind of annoying to read. Here's my attempt at a better paragraph.

"Xylon disappeared into the middle of the fight for only a few moments, before being knocked back. He slammed into the steaming rock and fell through the crack. The rock was hollow inside, the amount of holes reminded him of emmenthaller cheese. No one noticed Xylon fall."

I avoided using phrases like "so far back that..."; simply because there is no reason to describe the same thing twice.

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