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by Angel of Death in Fanfiction
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This thread was created on October 11, 2008
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Midnight Blue; Preface
Midnight Blue; One
Midnight Blue; Two
Midnight Blue; Three
Midnight Blue; Five

Midnight Blue; Four

Topic ID: 37143
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Should I delete Veronica's POV completely or leave it as is?
Delete Veronica
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Leave as is
81%
 81%  [ 9 ]
Don't care
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 11

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Midnight Blue; Four Reply with quote

Just to let everyone know, I have written chapters preface through five with Veronica and William as the two main characters so those for sure will be like that. But I have gotten a lot of suggestions about just cutting Veronica's POV out completely so just be warned that after chapter five is posted, I might go back and just make it William's POV...but I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll make this a poll Wink and let everyone vote on it.

Happy Reading Very Happy

_______________________

Part Four

William

We had a late run that night for it was Friday. Chris was in the lead, guiding us along the perimeter of our domain which covered all of the town of Riching. We covered miles in minutes, the frigid air weaving and flowing through my fur like an icy snake. I shivered hatefully, wishing I was back inside, warm by the fire. Adam was up ahead by Chris, lapping up falling snowflakes with his long tongue. Luke and Travis were a little to my left, pounding the earth in unison. In their human form, it was almost impossible to tell them apart if you didn’t know them, but in wolf form, they were as different as night day.

Luke was a gray wolf with a smaller frame compared to Travis. His tail was always erect, the end a glaring white. Travis, on the other hand, was striking gold, his bronze fur long and thick. His tail was low to the earth, his ears flat against his head in sudden wariness.

This threw me off guard and I slowed my pace. The other’s seemed to sense the same thing, for Vince on my right, the large russet-colored wolf, slowed to a light lope. Chris was a few yards ahead, his black ears flicking this way and that. Adam was cowering at his side. I caught the whiff of wolf in the air and immediately my hair stood on end. It was uncommon for other packs to come into our territory. We were very protective of our lands and it was too dangerous to meet up with other animals.

Abruptly, Chris let loose with his Alpha Male call, his inky-black muzzle tipped towards the starry sky. Vince followed, his bellow deep and throaty. Travis and Luke ensued, theirs high like that of a sweet chime. Adam then brought up the call, his voice soft in the increasing wind. I came last, my howl ringing out above all the others. My howl had a twang to it, signifying who I was to all in hearing radius.

We waited a few seconds and then, the returning call was picked up. Chris was the first to react, letting loose a yip of shock and excitement. He shot into the woods like a bullet from the barrel of the gun. Vince followed, howling like a little pup. Adam, Luke, and Travis left after them, tromping through the snow.

I, however, hung back. I knew who it was and it just made me more depressed. I hated when they came to visit. My brother’s weren’t the same when they came snooping around, poking their noses in our business. Sighing once, inhaling the evening air, I started off in the opposite direction, towards home, hoping to erase them from my mind. But it was hard. They were hard to ignore. They always brought trouble with them. I couldn’t help but wonder what mischief they would conduct this time.

Veronica

My eyelids fought the heavy fatigue hanging over my body like a thick fog the next morning, consuming my very being. My hair was damp around my head as I stomped through the parking lot, the misty air clinging to my head. Escaping through the sliding doors, I was met with an overly cheery Rebecca Martin. “Veronica! Good to see you. I was just getting off shift.”

“Yeah, sorry I’m late,” I apologized, hoping that she wouldn’t put that down on the record. I was already running thin with the boss as it was.

“No, it’s okay. I won’t tell, promise.” She smiled at me, but it didn’t leave me feeling any better.

Once I was changed, I met her in aisle three. “Just continue stocking the cereal as if you were here the whole time.”

“Got it.”

“See you later, Veronica.” Rebecca waltzed off, whistling an annoying tune that grated on my ears. It was too early for this. Mechanically putting the boxes in their rightful places, I didn’t notice when I zoned out until a familiar voice shook me from my dronish state.

“My, you look wide-awake!”

Jumping slightly, I looked up to see William’s frame towering over me. I smiled in spite of my mood. Seeing him was like a breath a fresh air, though his eyes were just as piercing as normal. I couldn’t stare at his face for long. “Hey, Will,” I greeted with forced enthusiasm. I owed him that much after the way I treated him. At the thought of this, my cheeks highlighted in color, making me bend further over to hide it.

“Been working long?”

“No, just got here.”

He nodded, staring off into space, lost in thought. “Well, I better get going. Brother’s getting hungry.”

I smiled. “How are your brothers?”

“Good. There are all still idiots.”

I laughed. “Travis and Luke still at home?”

“Yeah, the morons still don’t know what they want to be yet.”

“Not a surprise. They were always goofing off when in school.”

“So true.” We shared another laugh before it grew awkward.

“Will, I am sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have acted like that—“

“No, it’s okay. If you want to date a complete asshole, that’s your business.”

Staring at him as if only seeing him for the first time, I stood up. “What?” I asked, not sure I had heard him right.

“Nothing.” He shrugged. “I just said that if you want to date an ass—“

“No, I heard you.” Shaking my head, I tried to think coherently. “Mike’s not an—“

“Don’t even start, Veronica.” He rolled his eyes heavenward. “You know as well as I do what Mike is but you keep crawling back. That guy has you wrapped around his finger so tight that you’ll never be able to get away now.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about, Will, so just shut your trap!”

Will laughed harshly. “Have fun working, Veronica.” With that, he walked off, his hands deep in his pockets. I stood there, fuming like a smoking candle. I couldn’t believe the nerve of him! He was supposed to be my friend, supportive and trustworthy. But lately, he hasn’t been the Will I used to know. Will would never have spoken to me like that. The Will I knew was kind, soft-spoken, cheerful all the time. Something was up with him, but I hadn’t the patience or the time to worry about him. I had my own problems.

Growling with frustration, I got back to work, slowly returning to my robotic mode.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash, thanks for PMing me!

This was a good chapter and before I continue one, I have to say that you should keep this in both Veronica and Will's POV. It just makes the story more interesting. If it'll please the people who think otherwise try writing one chapter for Veronica and then another for Will and so on and so forth.
There were not a lot of problems with this but I just need to point out some:
Quote:
In their human form, it was almost impossible to tell them apart if you didn’t know them, but in wolf form, they were as different as night day.

This sentence could use a little rewording. The introductory paragraph was magnificent and then this just brought it tumbling down a hill.
Try ' In their human form, it was almost impossible to tell them apart. But when they transformed into wolves, their appearance was as different as night and day.'

Quote:
The other’s seemed to sense the same thing

it should be 'others' instead of other's

Quote:
He shot into the woods like a bullet from the barrel of the gun

I think the gun would sound better as 'a gun'

Quote:
My hair was damp around my head as I stomped through the parking lot, the misty air clinging to my head.

The repetition of the word 'head' really hurt my mind. This was a great sentence but it could use a little bit of wording. It would be fine the way it is but it could be better without that extra head.

The Fast and the Furious

This story is going on fine but the whole scene in the grocery store where Will and Veronica were arguing went by too fast. There wasn't enough descriptions and I knew that it was a heated conversation and all but I didn't feel it really. Slow down but at the same time keep to the steady pace that you've been writing at.

Keep writing and please don't get rid of Veronica!

Ta,
~Angel

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel of Death:

Yeah, I feel like I am starting to do downhill with this. I wrote the first five chapters so fast, I think I didnt' realize that I was going at such a quick pace. But will fix, promise Wink

Thanks so much for pointing out all those things. The rewrites should be out at least after chapter five!

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; Four Reply with quote

Quote:
Just to let everyone know, I have written chapters preface through five with Veronica and William as the two main characters so those for sure will be like that. But I have gotten a lot of suggestions about just cutting Veronica's POV out completely so just be warned that after chapter five is posted, I might go back and just make it William's POV...but I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll make this a poll :wink: and let everyone vote on it.

You do have a tendency to make William's part a little better than Veronica's. You play favorites. Haha. But i like when they switch. It's cool.
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
but in wolf form, they were as different as night day.

Love this! You forgot 'and' in between night and day.
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
His tail was always erect, the end a glaring white.

You might want to connect this to his personality. I'm not exactly sure the emotions dogs have when their tail is like that. But you might want to throw in because he is a normally (happy/jerk) get what I'm saying?
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
His tail was low to the earth, his ears flat against his head in sudden wariness.

Again, connect it to his human personality so that the readers can connect with them even when they are wolfs. So that in the future they can see movements (like the ears) and say to themselves "Oh, no something bad is about to happen" get what i mean?
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Chris let loose with his Alpha Male call,

Haha, that is kind of like Jacob's pack....wait what?
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
My howl had a twang to it, signifying who I was to all in hearing radius.

Why was his different? Is he the beta? haha
~~~~~~~~~~
A few things with William's part. They just let loose those howls without thinking, oh hey, the neighbors? I'm not exactly sure where they are, but normally wolfs are kinda hunted and what not? Get what I'm saying.
Who are they???? OOOO can't wait to see.
Other than that, no complaints. I love what you're doing with William's wolf pack, the descriptions are great!
YAY!

Quote:
Veronica




Quote:
Rebecca waltzed off, whistling an annoying tune that grated on my ears. It was too early for this

Perfect!
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Good. There are all still idiots.”

This seems a little formal for a teenager.
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Staring at him as if only seeing him for the first time,

Describe this more. I'm not really getting it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
supportive and trustworthy.

mans best friend....
haha okay. Dog joke.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I love the part with Veronica this time. You did such a good job with descriptions and her inner comments and thoughts. Awesome!!

I didn't see any other big mistakes.

Cant wait to read more. Make sure to pm me when you post.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jasmine12:

Thanks! Very Happy I'm feeling a little better now about the POV's because I really didn't want to get rid of that because I was trying something new. I'm glad both you and Angel like how is switches Wink

Thanks again for taking the time to read this, jazz! Rewrites should be up soon.

Will PM you when I post chapter five!

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to start off with saying that I chose that you keep the POV's seperate, as it makes your story unique and more interesting ... you get to hear the two MC's thoughts without writing in the third person. But that's my opinion, it's all about what's best for you as a writer ...

I liked this chapter, and I think you've improved loads on writing in Veronica's POV than the last time.
There's not really much else I can think of to say - once again, you've put my nick-picky reviews to shame d: - I'm intrigued as to who this new 'pack' is that William's so hostile towards and I can't wait to see what happens next (:
Another great chapter, ash. Keep writing!!
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lucyy:

Thanks, luc! Very Happy

All will be explained about the pack in the upcoming chapter. Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Next chapter Next chapter Next chapter Next chapter Next chapter Next chapter!!! Ah! Your stories are always the best!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohhhhh! Love this! I love this story and the plot rocks! I can't wait to read more! WRITE CHAPTER 5 AS FAST AS YOU CAN! I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT! Please PM when you post chapter 5!
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ashley sorry I'm so late. I'm usually the first here when a new chapter comes out.

You should not take Veronica out, Just because she isn't a werewolf doesn't make her boring. I think this chapters Veronica part was as good as the William part. Besides it is unique to have two main characters.

Always a cliffhanger eh? Is it the parents or his brothers friends that are coming to make trouble?

I really have nothing to recommend that hasn't already been recommended by people who made it here before me. Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Writing for love is a pas:

Ah, thanks! Very Happy I'm glad you enjoyed this!

I will PM you when I post more Wink

pshhxhoney:

Chapter Five should be up in the next week or so. Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you like it so much Very Happy

Promise to PM you when I post.

playerj09:

Thanks, player! Very Happy

Yeah, now that everyone is telling me to keep the two characters together, I probably will.

Thanks again, for reading!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm
Can't wait to see who it is that has will all troubled
oh and I think you should keep Veronica's POV
I like having both of the POVs.
:]

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a feeling that will is being cruel to her to push her away from him. that's the vibe i am getting from this chapter.

I really like it so far. i can't wait to read five, but it's going to have to wait until i get home. i am in the library at schol now.

see ya around

-Bri

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AllyyyAlwayyys:

Yeah, I guess you will have to read on to see Wink

Thanks for reading! Very Happy

Night Mistress:

Will is kind of a confusing character for me right now...I'm not sure yet how I want that scene to come across as...Confused

That's okay. Review whenever you can Wink hehe

Thanks so much for taking the time to look at this!

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