Topic ID: 37140
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DarkAngle11
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 12
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject: Love |
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This is my friend's poem but he does not believe me when I say he is a good poet, so if you could help me out and tell me what you think, that would be awesome.
Rain pores from the clouds in the sky,
Like tears falling from my eyes.
Every night I would wish for something more.
Something there, and there for sure.
I got my wish, in the form of a girl,
A beautiful girl, made for me in this world.
But now she lies there, on the cold, hard street.
It seeming to engulf her with the night.
That night i lost my world.
My love.
My light. |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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Aww! I Think that it was very good. The only part that I didn't get was when it said, 'I got my wish, in the form of a girl, A beautiful girl, made for me in this world.'
I think that it messed up the flow. And I also think that you need to describe what's happening a little more, because, well, i got lost. Did the girl die? If so, how did she die? Why was the girl his world? You know what I mean.
Overall: Nice work, but it needs more description. |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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youngwritersingeractor
New Member
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
WoW! that was amazing! tell him to be confident and not to be afraid to admit it. I read a lot and to tell you the truth this is one of the most romantic poems i have ever read. Like I say there is nothing wrong with admitting your good at something what is wrong is not showing the world how good you are. He/she should keep writing because talent is defenetly what he/she has.
xxxooo,
Kari  |
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DarkAngle11
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 12
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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WOW thanks so much! Lol I'm the "friend  " of Molly's who wrote this. I thought it was good, but to hear people I don't know say it is is awesome! Any way to I understand what your saying about description, but what I was trying to do is spark imagination. Did they break up? Did she die? Was she hit by a car? It was meant to make you think about what happened. As for the quote that confused you about it wasn't to say the girl was his world it was to say that he felt alone and that he had nothing and no one that would always be there. People lose friends and he felt as though nothing in his life was always going to be there. Then he met a girl who loved him and he felt that someone would always be there for him now. That's when something happens. It's not clear what happens, but it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to spark your imagination. Oh and I'm a guy and my name is Jacob lol. |
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TWILIGHT MOVIE 11*21*08
~Molly and Jake~ |
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Misinterpreted
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
Reviews: 12
Country: South Africa
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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aah well I got lost a bit But the end was nice
My Love My Light
Now that is truly Beautiful
Overall i think you did a good job
But as others have said maybe you need to day what happens to this "Girl"
thanks for the effort i read it and liked it now i must Abscond .. |
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“The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once” Rene Descartes |
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LaLaland123
Novice
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Age: 13
Joined: 12 Oct 2008
Posts: 7
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Country: These United States!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Aweosome, very beautiful, and it flows so amazingly! |
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Radomocity: (RAN dumb AW city): A state of random-ness. |
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Silent music
&& Why do I cry tears when I remember
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Oct 2008
Posts: 315
Reviews: 16
Country: the one where peope are in....yeah...that one
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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you need to tell your friend that he is an amazing writer! This is the most romantic poem that I have read in a long time! I especially love the ending! My Love My Light! That was the best part!  |
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This is a story about a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.
In every single letter. In every single word. There will be a hidden message about a boy who loves a girl. |
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grimy89098
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
356 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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tell him to WRITE!!! thats really cool
and if he says no hit him ova the head!
if he doesn't keep writing and lets his writing go it'll be a huge shame |
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"practice makes perfect but no body's perfect so why bother practice?" -Jye Arbon (my friend)
"everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." -people in my class |
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