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On Broken Wings
On Broken Wings

by CastlesInTheSky in Advanced Critiques
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 11, 2008
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Lake Girls
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Lake Girls: Ideas
Those Girls
Lake Girls (Please Review!)
Lake Girls Chapter one: Hotdogs and wine
Lake Girls, Chapter Two.
Lake Girls: Chapter Three: May & June
Lake Girls

Lake Girls Chapters one and two.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:39 pm    Post subject: Lake Girls Chapters one and two. Reply with quote

Okay, I have edited yet again!

Chapter one: Hot-dogs and wine

“She did what with what?" April Fisher asked in a voice that suggested she had never heard something so disgusting and equally dirty.

She sat Indian style on her soft white Egyptian cotton bedspread, with a glass of 1916 Margaux red wine in one hand. It was her mother’s most expensive wine, but April and her friends had been drinking wine since the age of thirteen and it was nothing out of the ordinary just to drink for fun. Plus, they needed something special to get over the hump day; the middle of the week is always so dull.

“She used a hot-dog, well the wiener part, to… you know," Bridget Granger told April and their other best friend, Brookelyn Walker. She giggled and drained what was left in her burgundy grand cru wine glass in a gulp.

Brookelyn giggled harder than Bridget did, and April wore a half-amused, half-disgusted look on her face. She took a large swig of her rouge liquid and remarked, “God, how could anyone be so disgusting? Is she really that desperate?"

She shook her head slightly, making her golden blonde hair fall in her face. She swept it out of the way and downed the remaining liquid in her glass with another large swig.

A white Persian cat poked its head in around the door and moved it open slightly with its tail. Its tail was stuck high in the air in a haughty way, as if to say, “Look at me. I’m the best!”

The snow white cat meowed and stretched before jumping up on the high bed. The kitty stepped over April’s legs and plopped itself onto to Brookelyn’s feet. Brookelyn looked at the cat and pushed it down.

“Get away you silly kitty,” She said trying to remove it from her legs.

The cat hissed loudly and swiped a paw at Brookelyn’s hands. She pulled her hands back and lifted up her foot – which the cat was sitting on licking its paws – and dropped it back down, causing the cat to make an even louder hissing noise.

“Brooke!” April cried hitting her leg, “Oh, come here Duchess,” She cooed picking up the cat that Brooke said had a grudge against her.

April told Brooke many times before that the reason for that would be because she put Duchess in a pool when she was a kitten and always tortured her, but Brooke believed it was because she was a bitch.

Brooke stuck out her tongue at the cat and rested her head against the foot of April's black wooden headboard. She undid the top button of her blouse, that she was wearing with her pink lacy underwear and sighed loudly crossing her legs.

Having been friends with Bridget and April for most of her life; Brooke did not mind the fact that she was only in her underwear and blouse, nor did the two other girls. They had seen each other naked on multiple occasions; it was nothing that made their cheeks turn red. They were sisters, well practically.

Brooke’s blue-gray eyes opened wide and she looked at Bridget.

“Did she use ketchup?" Her voice came out sounding like she had been just been told that she could have the pony that she wanted since third grade, overly excited “Or mustard or relish or cheese? Any kind of lube?"

She sat up straight and waited for an answer to her highly stupid and pointless question. Bridget half frowned and let out a laugh. April rolled her blue-green eyes and said in a very matter of fact tone:

“No Brooke, of course she didn't. It was raw. She couldn't use a boiled one for that,"

Brooke mouthed the word "Oh" and finished her bittersweet wine, which was making her light headed and stupid, in one gulp. Holding her glass between her legs she put her red-orange hair back in a loose ponytail and pushed her side-swept bangs back. She then eased back against the headboard sighing happily for no apparent reason.

The three girls sat in silence, none of them talking. Just sitting, doing their own thing. April poured some more wine for herself, probably thinking about the lack of sleep they were getting. Bridget started texting on her purple Sidekick, which was almost glued to her hands and Brooke was almost asleep.

Bridget stopped texting whoever else was up at two on a week night and asked "Do we have anything to eat?"

"Probably, but Pablo..." April began but was cut short from Bridget's questioning look.

"Wait, what happened to Pierre?"

April, May – April’s younger sister – and their mother, June had no clue what to do in a kitchen; besides how to make coffee, which a six year old could possibly do. After June burned down their old house five years ago, from trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich, she hired a live in chef to go along with their maid named Lucy and driver, Al.

April took the glass from between Brooke's legs and placed it on her beside table next to her alarm clock with red flashing numbers that read: two thirteen AM.

“He moved back to Paris to be with his lover," She said putting a French accent when saying lover.

Bridget's emerald eyes, lined with eyeliner, widened in surprise and amusement. "What? Pierre has a girlfriend?"

The idea of April's very feminine chef having a girlfriend was very odd to anyone who knew him. There was one time that the three girls had been in June’s room getting ready for a party and he came in and said,

“Oh. My. God! You girls look fabulous! But April, honey. Blue so does not go with blue eyes.” And walked out to finish cooking supper.

"No, his lover. He's gay; Mom walked in on him and his boyfriend kissing. So our hypothesis is proven to be right." April gave a sly smile. She took Duchess off her lap and pulled down her silky night shirt over her legs.

"I love Pierre. He was so sweet." Bridget smiled at April who smirked back.

The only reason Bridget loved Pierre was because he always wore stylish clothes and would be the best boyfriend a girl could ever have. He would know exactly what to buy for every occasion and be able to cook you anything you wanted. The only thing would be that every time you saw a cute boy, he would look at him too and he wouldn’t really be that into a girl.

Bridget placed her empty wine glass on April's beside table then shoved her curly chestnut brown hair up in a messy bun; that would take anyone else minutes to perfect. Bridget was often described as being Greek with her olive skin and loose curls. She looked like a goddess, that didn’t need any amount of make-up to look gorgeous.

She stretched out her legs – that were muscular from her waking up every morning at dawn to run – and hopped off April’s bed. She opened up a drawer from April’s black dresser and took out a pair of boxer shorts, which she slipped on over her underwear.

"Let's order Chinese then," She suggested climbing back up on April’s bed.

"I don't care, as long as we do not have hot-dogs," Brooke told them in a groggy voice. Bridget covered her mouth to make sure she didn't snort from laughing so hard and April shook her head grinning.

She patted Brooke's leg and finished her wine. "Don't worry, Brooke. We won’t be having them for a long time."

"Good," She said turning over on her side.

Bridget got into a giggling frenzy over that and it took her a few seconds to recover. “She is drunk," She told April, her lips still turned upwards from laughing.

"Way to state the obvious," April told Bridget picking up her i-phone and pressing the digits for Chinese food. Bridget giggled again and sighed as she listened to April calling out their usual to their favorite Chinese place.

Chapter two: Four hours of sleep does not cure drunkenness

Brooke lay on her stomach, listening to the blaring music that for a minute she had thought was in her dream. She moved her hand around looking for the source and began to pat the air next to her, but gradually moved it down until she was hitting something hard.

“Stupid alarm clock,” She muttered half asleep. She moved her nails along the smooth surface that was actually Bridget’s foot, in search of the snooze button.

Bridget giggled and moved around her feet, trying to get free from the tickling. “Stop it!” She cried, pulling her foot back quickly from Brooke’s tickling – trying to find the snooze button – which resulted in hitting Brooke in the face.

“Ouch!” Brooke complained covering her nose and mouth with both hands. “Bridget! That hurt.” She glared at her friend and rolled over on her back, releasing her hands from her wounded area.

She rubbed her nose and stuck her finger to the tip of her nostril to check for blood. When she was satisfied that there was none she looked at Bridget in a way that she thought looked scary but really looked quite funny.

Bridget laughed and said “I’m sorry, sweetie.” She blew a kiss to Brooke and sighed as she stretched her arms over the top of her head. She wiggled her body to the song on the radio – as if she were a belly dancer – then swung her long legs over the side of April’s high bed.

Brooke sighed and rolled over on her side. “Please hit the snoo-o-oze,” She said. Bridget did as she asked and Metro Station’s “Shake it” ended.

Brooke whispered, “Thank-you” before closing her eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.

Bridget laughed again at Brooke, which was very popular in the last four hours, and walked out of April’s room. She turned left and stepped into a large chocolate brown bathroom, where April stood in a white blouse and underwear straitening her hair. Bridget stood next to her in the mirror and took her hair out of its messy bun. She picked up April’s tweezers and plucked a stray hair.

“Ew,” She said under her breath as she ran a hand through her matted curls.

April placed her CHI straitening iron down and turned to her side. She craned her neck to see the back off her hair. She looked at Bridget in the mirror. “Do you need a shower?” she asked running a hand through her now silky, smooth and straight hair.

“Yes,” Bridget replied.

“Does Brooke?” April asked.

Bridget shrugged her shoulders. “She went back to sleep when I left.”

April sighed and said, “Okay. You go in May’s bathroom and May can go in Mom’s. I’m going to get Brooke.”

Bridget nodded her head and left the bathroom. She walked down to the end of the hall and into April’s younger sister’s room, where she planned on taking a very hot shower. April switched off her straightener’ and walked into her own room, where Brooke lay looking dead. She opened the double doors to her walk-in closet and pulled one of her many royal blue skirts off a hanger. She slipped it on over her lacy underwear and stifled a laugh as a snore came from Brooke.

“Brooke, get up! We have to be in school in an hour,” She hissed to the sleeping red head, poking her sharply in the side. She stood next to the bed, her arms crossed under her double D chest.

Brooke popped open her blue-gray eyes and stared at the deep red walls; she moved her head slightly to look at April. She was already dressed and her black bra was visible through the thin cotton of the blouse.

“So?” She asked sleepily putting a pillow on top of her face, she had turned over on her back, and her arms were crossed under her perky B cups.

April plucked the fluffy pillow off of Brooke’s face. “So? You have to get up and get showered,” She proclaimed to Brooke impatiently.

“April!” Brooke whined.

“Up. Now. Shower.” April walked out of the room after she had sat Brooke upright and went into her mother’s master bedroom.

As soon as she left Brooke flopped back on bed and stared at the snow white ceiling. After several seconds of Brooke pondering and sniffing her armpits, she decided that deodorant would not cut it; she only made a decision about getting a shower this way if she was too tired to get up.

She heard April and May talking in the hall, then footsteps emerging. Brooke quickly got up off her toned ass, and zoomed across the room. She was just about walk out of April’s bedroom door when April showed up in the doorway. Brooke stood grinning at her and April sighed, taking Brooke’s hand.

“Come on sweetie, you stink,” She admitted to Brooke as she walked her out of them room and into her Private bathroom.

It contained a large stand up shower and a wide bath tub with jets that was perfect for parties; and was used on many school nights when a study group turned into a party with booze and pizza.

Brooke furrowed her brow and grumbled at April but didn’t speak. She just let April drag her into the bathroom so she could shower.

“Get in the shower, I’m going to get towels from Lucy,” April commanded letting go of Brooke’s hand and leaving the bathroom.

Brooke nodded her head looked around April’s bathroom that she had almost had sex in, two years ago.

It was April’s sweet sixteen and Brooke had just gotten very drunk for the first time. A guy – whose name had slipped her mind before he tried to take off her skirt – wanted to find some place private so they could “talk”. Brooke had let him drag her into the bathroom and she was going to do it with him, but when Bridget walked in with a few girls from school, it was like relief had taken over her body.

Brooke scratched the back of her leg with her other foot and looked at herself in the large mirror; where she had gotten ready for a day of school on countless other occasions. She turned to walk into the shower, but there seemed to be something stopping her.

“Ouch!” She yelped rubbing her forehead.

April came in through the door and dropped the towels that were in her hand on the floor. “Brooke! Why didn’t you open the door before you tried to go in?” She asked as she pulled open the glass shower door.

“It’s glass! I couldn’t see it,” Brooke argued rubbing her forehead vigorously. April sighed and began to undo the buttons on Brooke’s white blouse that she had slept in the previous night – well four hours.

Brooke batted her hand away, “I can do it myself,” She informed April trying to undo the next button. She fumbled for a few seconds before April finally took over.

“I can take off my panties and bra. Turn around,” Brooke said moving her index finger in a somewhat circular motion.

April grinned to herself and turned around so she was facing the wall and not Brooke. She smoothed out the royal blue viscose skirt that she was required to wear at her school and examined her manicured nails. Brooke’s grunting filled her ears and she bit her lip before a giggle escaped and before her boob’s popped out of her shirt from laughing so hard.

“The stupid bra is stuck,” Brooke yelled reaching her hands over her head. April smiled and went behind Brooke; she undid the bra in a quick second, all the time keeping her laughter in.

Brooke rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and crossed her arms under her bare boobs, “You make everything look so easy,” She grumbled. April laughed, knowing Brooke would not have said that without the wine, and reached her hand into the shower to turn the knob on cold.

“Get in,” She said stepping aside. Brooke stood there, looking dumbfounded. April groaned and grabbed Brooke’s arm to push her in. Brooke, who hadn’t expected it tried to come back out, but April had already shut the shower door on her.

Brooke squealed as she stepped into the icy water. “April, its cold!” She cried.

April placed two towels on the hook next to the shower and placed the other towel on the floor, so Brooke wouldn’t flood the place. She stood up looking in the mirror and said “Good, it will wake you up."

“I’m already awake, stupid!” Brooke shouted through the rushing water. She fiddled with knob until she had the hot water on full blast and steam was fogging up the glass.

April chuckled, “Oh my god, Brooke,” She said leaving the bathroom to let Brooke shower until she was kind of sober.


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Last edited by lakegirls on Tue Nov 04, 2008 10:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Sam   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, lakegirls!

Haha, chick lit novels are totally my guilty pleasure. I'm really excited to see where you go with this, and what new stuff you bring to the genre. Let me know if you want someone to bounce ideas off of.

Just a few suggestions:

-- A little raunch keeps a story realistic, but this read more like a Playboy than a novel. Everyone's in their underwear, and boobs are everywhere, and it's a bit weird. XD Some people are very, very slutty, but there's usually a clear reason why. When you're alone with other girls, it's just not realistic. Unless you're a nudist, most of us are conditioned to think that the less clothes, the more uncomfortable and awkward, unless it's hot out.

-- Ditto drinking. I personally don't drink, so I wouldn't know, but most people don't pick up a bottle of wine because they're bored--like with unbridled nudity, it's a matter of conscience. Now, if these girls are complete sociopaths, that could be interesting, but you're going to need a deeper level of character development than what you have now to pull that off. When you have characters 'acting out', you have to thoroughly explain their motives so that your readers understand where you're trying to go with it.

-- Commas! Read up a little on their usage--it's boring, but once you know how they're supposed to be used, you can play around with using them for style purposes. For now, put them where people pause naturally in speech.

-- It's a Persian cat, not Prussian.

__

Thanks for the read! Let me know when you have the next bit up.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi,
Thank you for the comment.


--
Quote:
A little raunch keeps a story realistic, but this read more like a Playboy than a novel. Everyone's in their underwear, and boobs are everywhere, and it's a bit weird


I do have to admit, what you said is true and I should have put a further explanation to it but these girls have been best friends since they were in grade school. They do everything together. They are drunk and throughout the book they are going to do some things that could make my head turn, but that's the fun of it. Razz This book was started for putting things into something that I couldn't do.

The drinking is kind of different. They are 17 going on 18 so it's not really a big deal if they drink and the bored thing, well that was just something to fill in.

About the commas, I do tend to have trouble with that and tenses for some reason. So if there is anyway that you could help, please do.

Love,
N

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Chapter one: Hot-dogs and wine.


“She did what with what?" April Fisher asked in a voice that suggested she had never heard something so disgusting and equally dirty.


She sat Indian style on her soft, white Egyptian cotton, bedspread with a glass of 1916 Margaux red wine in one had. It was her mother’s most expensive wine, but the girls were bored and they needed something special to get over the hump day.


“She used a hot-dog -- well the wiener part – to… you know." Bridget Granger told April and their other best friend, Brookelyn Walker. She giggled and drained what was left in her burgundy grand cru wine glass.

Brookelyn giggled harder than Bridget did, and April wore a half-amused, half-disgusted look on her face. She took a large swig of her rouge liquid and remarked, “God, how could anyone be so disgusting? Is she really that desperate?"


She shook her head slightly, making her golden blonde hair fall in her face. She swept it out of the way and downed the remaining liquid in her glass with another large swig.


A white Prussian cat peeped its head in around the door and moved it open slightly with its tail, which was stuck high in the air in a haughty way. The snow white cat meowed and April picked it up and placed it on the high bed. The kitty stepped over April’s feet and plopped itself onto to Brookelyn’s legs. Brookelyn looked at the cat and pushed it down.


“Get away you silly kitty.” She said trying to remove it from her legs.

The cat hissed loudly and swiped a paw at Brookelyn’s hands. She pulled her hands back and lifted up her foot – which the cat was resting on – and dropped it back down, causing the cat to make a even louder hissing noise.


“Brooke!” April cried hitting her leg. “Oh, come here Duchess.” She cooed picking up the cat that Brooke said had a grudge against her.

April told Brooke the reason for that would be because she put Duchess in a pool when she was a kitten and always tortured her, but Brooke just said it was because she was a bitch.


Brooke stuck out her tongue at the cat and rested her head against the foot of April's black wooden headboard. She undid the top button of her blouse, that she was wearing with her pink lacy underwear and sighed loudly crossing her legs. He blue-gray eyes opened wide and she looked at Bridget.


“Did she use ketchup?" Her voice came out sounding like she had been just been told that she could have the pony that she wanted since third grade. “Or mustard or relish or cheese? Any kind of lube?"


She sat up straight and waited for an answer to her highly stupid and pointless question. Bridget half frowned and let out a laugh. April rolled her blue-green eyes and said in a very matter of fact tone:


“No, Brooke of course she didn't. It was raw. She couldn't use a boiled one for that."


Brooke mouthed the word "Oh" and finished her bittersweet wine, which was making her light headed and stupid, in one gulp. Holding her glass between her legs, she put her red-orange hair back in a loose ponytail and pushed her side-swept bangs back. She then eased back against the headboard sighing.


The three girls sat in silence, none of them talking. Just sitting, doing their own thing. April poured some more wine for herself, probably thinking about the lack of sleep they were getting. Bridget started texting on her Blackberry, which was almost glued to her hands and Brooke was almost asleep.


Bridget stopped texting whoever else was up at two on a week night and asked "Do we have anything to eat?"


"Probably, but Pablo..." April began but was cut short from Bridget's questioning look.


"What happened to Pierre?"


April, May (April’s younger sister) and June (April's mother) had no clue what to do in a kitchen, besides how to make coffee, which a six year old could possibly do. After June burned down their old house five years ago, from trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich, she hired a live in chef to go along with their maid named Lucy and driver, Al.


She took the glass from between Brooke's legs and placed it on her beside table next to her. “He moved back to Paris to be with his lover." April said putting a French accent when saying lover.


Bridget's emerald eyes, lined with eyeliner, widened in surprise and amusement. "What? Pierre has a girlfriend?"


The idea of April's very feminine chef having a girlfriend was very odd to anyone who knew him. There was one time that the three girls had been in June’s room getting ready for a party and he came in and said,


“Oh my god! You girls look fabulous! But April, honey. Blue so does not go with blue eyes.” And walked out to finish cooking supper.


"No. His lover. He's gay; Mom walked in on him and his boyfriend kissing. So our hypothesis is proven to be right." April gave a sly smile. She took Duchess off her lap and pulled down her silky night shirt over her legs.


"I love gay men. I think their so sweet." Bridget smiled at April who smirked back.

The only reason Bridget loved gay men was because they were always the hot ones and the best boyfriend you could ever have. They would know exactly what to buy and have good taste in clothing.


The only thing would be that every time you say a cute boy, they would look at him too and they wouldn’t really be that into you.


Bridget placed her empty wine glass on April's beside table then shoved her curly chestnut brown hair up in a messy bun that would take anyone else minutes to perfect. Bridget was often described as being Greek with her olive skin and loose curls. She looked like a goddess, that didn’t need any amount of make-up to look gorgeous.


She stretched out her legs – that were muscular from her waking up every morning at dawn to run – and hopped off April’s bed. She opened up a drawer from April’s black dresser and took out a pair of boxer shorts, which she slipped on over her underwear.


"Let's order Chinese then." She suggested climbing back up on April’s bed.


"I don't care, as long as we do not have hot-dogs." Brooke told them in a groggy voice. Bridget covered her mouth to make sure she didn't snort from laughing so hard and April shook her head grinning.


She patted Brooke's leg and finished her wine. "Don't worry, Brooke. We won’t be having them for a long time."


"Good." She said turning over on her side.


Bridget got into a giggling frenzy over that and it took her a few seconds to recover. “She is drunk." She told April, her lips still turned upwards from laughing.


"Way to state the obvious." April told Bridget picking up her i-phone and pressing the digits for Chinese food. Bridget giggled again and sighed as she listened to April calling out their usual to their favorite Chinese place.


some people when they open a novel they read the first couple of lines to see how the book tells itself, when people reads this. they could think its a playboy novel. in my opinion i don't think its a good idea to start off with something like shoving a hot dog up herself. make sure you word this right and not make it too bad. but i liked the wording and how it was stitched together.

Quote:
"I love gay men. I think their so sweet." Bridget smiled at April who smirked back.


the only thing is to watch what you say , this is not bad but i just want to warn you. this could affect some people.

keep writing ,
when-the-rain-falls
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm here...feel kind of honoured that I've been especially requested! Get me! Hahaha! No mistakes as far as I can see so nothing to "critique" as such on my part...other people may disgree but hey!

I think the bit about the wiener is hilarious and most definitely the most interesting start to a novel I have seen in a long time!
Don't you dare think of changing it otherwise you will personally have me to answer to! I'm not really that scary to be quite honest!

I'm off to read chapter three anyway! Hope it's as good as this...if you entered one of my contests with something of this quality you'd definitely be in the running! Well done!

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