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Broken - 8
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by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 10, 2008
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When the time comes
Remember the time?

Remember the time? --Revised

Topic ID: 37106
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andrew.j.m   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:08 am    Post subject: Remember the time? --Revised Reply with quote

Please read the original one (called "Remember The Time") and tell me which one you like better. The first one is a lot shorter though.

****----***---**--*-

Remember the time we first met? I do. It was the fourth of July. The fireworks were exploding in the sky, reflecting off my eyes that were stuck to you like glue. The colors that seemed to rain from the stars with each BOOM that crashed through everyone's chest each time an ember was sent through the air.

Here's a secret that I never told you...the BOOMs that we all felt came from me. My heart was jumping at my chest trying to get to you; trying to get to you each time your face lit up with a different shade of blues and greens and reds.

Remember how I was so afraid to talk to you that I kept my eyes on the ground counting my steps, while you ran around with our friends and smiled the way you do.

You were smiling that smile you wear to try to keep all that sadness inside.

I found out later that your lips are the switch; when the corners turn down, your emotions turn on. You cry on my shoulder and dig your fingers into my back. I would hold you tighter to let you know I wasn't going to let you go. I would hold you closer because I thought maybe if I brought you in close enough, I could be with you forever.

Remember when you came up to me and asked me what I thought about you? Remember how my mouth dropped open and no words came out?

I do. My heart was doing that BOOMing thing again.

Did you feel it?

I did.

Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you.

Remember that other time? The time at his house where you were jumping on the couch and I walked by and you hopped on my back?

Do you know that I tried my hardest to keep from smiling like an idiot?

Remember when you first told me how you felt like you could tell me anything? That's one thing I won't forget.

You fingers were dug into my back again. Your skin was brushing against mine. It was cold outside, but we didn't care that our clothes were long gone somewhere else. Every word you spoke fled from your mouth with an explosion of steam.

Like a firework.

The moon was the only light in the field we where in. It was just you, and me, and the moon; shining down on us, lighting the way.

That was the closest we'd ever been.

Did you know my heart was ready to burst, like a firework? Do you know that I still think about that everyday?

Remember the time you forgot about me? Because if you do, I'd really like to know.

Do you remember the time I spilled my heart out to you?

Remember how the tears were running down my face? Remember how you walked away, leaving me in that same field, the tears freezing at my feet.

The moon wasn't out that night.

Remember when you told me the truth, the truth about him and you?

I had asked, touch me or don't, just let me know where you've been.

That's a question I never should have asked.

Because I got an answer that I never wanted to get.



Last edited by andrew.j.m on Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:16 pm; edited 3 times in total
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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:04 am    Post subject: Re: Remember the time? --Revised Reply with quote

*The moment I opened this Fall for you by secondhand senerade (or how ever you spell it) came on and i was like ... wow goes perfect-ish. Dont-cha think?*

I didn't really see any mistakes.

Yes, I loved it.

Some of your sentences where run-on and non-flow-ie. But that's not the point.

You captured emotions that many people feel, but can never express. Good job!!

=)

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tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really, really like this.
Your style is awesome. I loved how you kept referring back to the fireworks at the beginning. It was a nice way to tie it all together. All the sentences were great, I loved the difference between short and long sentences and big and small paragraphs.
The voice was great, the story line was great, just all together it was really, really good.
Gold star for you! Very Happy

-Carly

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scribblingquill   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this. i think the start is better than the end, I love the booms, the colours and the bit about "my heart jumping to get to you". Thats brilliant.

I didn't read the old version like you said D:

I like the repetition of do you remember? but i think it becomes a little TOO repetitive at the end, like you could pad it out a little.

But all in all this is really awesome.

I am inclined to check out more of your stuff.

Also your style totally reminds me of these two on DA:

http://inmyroom.deviantart.com/art/this-poem-is-me-20284259

http://miss-deathwish.deviantart.com/gallery/#writings-

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Electric Blue.   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really good. Smile You captured the emotions you wanted to capture perfectly. There wasn't anything that ruined the flow of the story. I think you typed "could" instead of "cold" though.

Quote:
It was could outside, but we didn't care that our clothes were long gone somewhere else.
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olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blah blah blah blah blah!

See all my previous reviews full of positive adjectives and apply them to this one too!

I'm not saying I prefer this to the other one, because I don't think I do. This piece has a completely different feel to it but equally as thought provoking and emotive....

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dreamintechnicolour   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this is sheer brilliance. Your writing makes my day. I can't fault it, although I much prefer the revised version of this piece; I like that it's slight;y longer in length and we get a more in-depth/longer term look at the situation rather than just a flash. Awesome, awesome work!!!

dreamintechnicolour
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