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by Light_Devil in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 10, 2008
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As if I was in Love (edited)
As if I was in Love Chp 3

As if I was in Love Chp 2 (edited) Goto page 1, 2  Next

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pshhxhoney   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:57 am    Post subject: As if I was in Love Chp 2 (edited) Reply with quote

Chapter Two

“I need to go back for my stuff, at least the necessities.” I said sitting on a chair in Aaron’s room. His mom wasn’t home because she worked as a nurse during the night and through half of the next day.

“How will you get your things when your freaking mom kicked you out?” Aaron asked, sitting on his bed.

“I didn’t think of that. I really don’t know. Maybe I can climb in through a window and get my things quietly and quickly.” I said, thinking out loud. I started biting my nails, showing that I was more nervous on the inside than I was showing on the outside.

“What if your mom is there?”

“Then, I will literally be dead!”

“Not funny. You know how your mother can be. She can and will beat you, Rebecca.”

As I replayed Aaron’s words in my head, I thought about my mother, how whenever dad left she would beat me, or if I did something good -which she usually thought was bad- she would beat me. I thought about the bruises I usually got from her. I thought about walking into school with those bruises. My friends and random people asking me what happened because, the bruises were so big, dark, and was on most of my body. Ever since I was ten, five years later! Then, I thought I don’t want that.

“You’re right, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I’ll take my chances.” I whispered to him thoughtfully.

“Maybe I should come with you.” He said, getting up.

“No,” I said firmly, getting up. I left the room and started down the stairs.

“Wait! Becca! Don’t! You can get hurt!” Aaron called, running up to me from behind.

“Stop, I don’t want you to get hurt.” I said over my shoulder. Aaron grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“At least let me drive you there and I’ll park the car at the corner.” Aaron suggested.

I paused for a second and reconsidered my options, “Fine. Let’s go.” I said opening, and walking out the door.

...

Aaron stopped that car at the corner and looked at me.

“If you are not out in fifteen minutes I’m going in for you.” He said with a serious tone.

“You don’t have to do this.” I said, not looking at him.

“I know, but I want to.” He answered. I looked at him, he was smiling. I became lightheaded from his smile, it was enchanting. I looked at Aaron, and took him all in.

His bright blue eyes, dark brown hair, full lips, big nose, but he made it work. He was gorgeous, and there was no denying it.

“Fifteen minutes.” He said, leaning across me to open the door.

Smiling, I got out of the car and started walking to my house. My house was a tiny house, that was a nice white color and had shutters the covered our windows. In the front the grass was over grown and many plants were dead (which was not good since it was spring).

I saw a midnight blue car parked in front of the house, but it wasn’t my Mother’s car so, I didn’t worry.

I walked to the side of the house, knowing the front door would be locked, and climbed a tree. I got onto a branch nearest to the window to my room. I reached the window and opened it, pulling myself in after. I stood up in my room, which held one single bed, dresser, and desk. Searching through my dresser I heard noises coming from my mother’s room. I ignored it and got my necessities out of my room and walked to the bathroom, I got my toothbrush, hairbrush, and my favorite perfume.

The noises got louder from my mother’s room and I couldn’t ignore it. Slowly, I walked down the hall to my mother’s room. The door was closed, but the noises got louder. I slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door to a shocking site.

My mother in a major make out session with a man on her bed, half naked (her pants and the man’s pants were still on). Quietly, I tried to walk out of the room, but I took a step and the floor creaked. My mother looked up with worry on her face then, the worry turning to pure anger. She jumped off the bed making the man turn to see me too. I started backing away, but she ran and rammed me on the floor.

“What are you doing here?!” She yelled at me, pinning me to the floor.

“Elizabeth? What are you doing? Who is this?” The man asked with worry in his voice.

“Nothing, honey, just talking to my friend,” She answered with a sickening sweetness in her voice. I tried to fight her pin, but she held me down and I was too weak in her grasp.

“What are you doing here?” She asked again with evilness in her voice.

“Get off of me!” I yelled at her, trying to fight her pin again. I couldn’t get out and I started to feel tears stinging my eyes.

“Little Baby, I told you never to come back to this house again,” She yelled at me punching me right in the gut. The air got knocked out of me, and I couldn’t breathe few minutes. I regained my breath and put my feet under my belly, pushed my legs up. My mother flew to the side of me, leaving me time to get up and run. I got up and moved my leg, but my mother grabbed it and I fell right onto my face.

“Let go of me!” I yelled, trying to get my leg out of her grasp. She dragged me under her and started punching me, leaving me hurt and crying. I tried to fight back, but she was too strong for me. She took another jab and at me and, I started to bleed.

“You little brat,” She yelled, while punching me.

“Get off of me, hag!” I yelled at her.

“What did you call me?!” She yelled, stopping the punches.

“I called you a hag!” I yelled back at her. She took a jab at my face, making me feel the blood from it escape onto my skin. I started to space in and out. Then, I heard it.

“Get off of her!” It was Aaron’s voice. Then, I felt my mother’s body weight off of me and, that’s when everything went black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hoped you liked it! =]



Last edited by pshhxhoney on Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:08 am; edited 10 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:33 am    Post subject: Re: As if I was in Love Chp 2 Reply with quote

Awesome length!!!

Quote:
"I need to go back for my stuff, at least the stuff that is important.”

You keep saying stuff. it's okay to go into detail here. Say something like clothes. Yeah?
~~~~~~~
Quote:
Quote:
His mom wasn’t home because, she worked as a Nurse.
Her shifts are at night until almost twelve in the afternoon the next day.

I'd reword this into one sentence. and take out the comma after because
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“How will you get your things, when your mom kicked you out?”

Over usege of comma here. not needed. And Aaron is too formal here..kinda creepy when read out loud.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
Aaron asked me sitting on his bed.

Take out me, and comma after asked.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“I didn’t think of that. I really don’t know. Maybe I can climb in through a window and get my things quietly and quickly.” I said, thinking out loud.

Yay, correct punctuation in the tag here. I'd throw in a thought sentence after 'I dont know' have her thinking and chewing on her nail or fingering her sweater. Things like that. ya kno?
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“What if you mom is there?” He asked me with worry in his eyes.

The reader realizes that they are alone. Take out 'me' comma after asked.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Then, I will officially be dead! I’m not even in my twenties either!” I said, laughing after. Aaron didn’t laugh. He had a serious and worried expression on his face.

I dont really get why she said this. Maybe you can put in, "Trying to lighten the mood" but even still, i dont get the joke.
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Not funny. You know how your mother is, she will and can beat you, Rebecca.” He answered looking me straight in the eye.

Awh man, you forgot the comma after answered. And You know how your mother can be. She can and will beat you, Rebecca I didnt know her name was Rebecca, maybe im just slow tonight.
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
As I replayed Aaron’s words in my head, I thought about my mother, how whenever dad left she would beat me, or if I did something good (which she usually thought was bad) she would beat me. I thought about the bruises I usually got from her. I thought about walking into school with those bruises. My friends and random people asking me what happened because, the bruises were so big, dark, and was on most of my body. Ever since I was ten, and know I was fifteen. Five years later! Then, I thought I don’t want that.

Okay..whoa. Take out the parenthases and use - - those things. Put the 'ever since i was ten' part towards the beginning and 'five years later' at the end.
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Maybe I should come with you.” He said getting up.

Comma after said
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“No,” I said, getting up, “I’m going by myself.”

Change the comma after up into a period. Also, you want her to have 'no' as the final word. So use "I said firmly, standing up." See see? DO YOU?
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Stop, you can’t get hurt, and I get hurt that’s a different story. I’m use to it, you’re not Aaron.” I said over my shoulder. Aaron grabbed my arm, and stopped me.

Whoa, first part confused me there. Maybe reword it. Yeah? Take out the comma after arm. Not needed.
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“…Fine. Let’s go.” I said opening and walking out the door.

No need for the elipse. If you want her to pause and consider the fact that he wont let it go..then say that. Also...guess what your missing? A COMMA!!!
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Aaron stopped that car at the corner, and looked at me.

No need for comma here.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“If you are not out in fifteen minutes I’m going in for you.”

Haha, edward said that exact same thing in twilight...wait what?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“I know but, I want to.”

Are these extra commas dramatic pauses? Then have the entire quote stop to say "He paused and sighed" blah? get it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
(her pants and the man’s pants were still on).

I'm not exactly sure, this is screwy, but i think the period goes inside? maybe?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
the worry turning to pure angry.

Anger
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
but, she ran and rammed me on the floor.

Comma on the other side of 'but' you do it often.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I couldn’t get out and I started to fell tears stinging my eyes.

Feel?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
The air got knocked out of me, and I couldn’t breathe few minutes

Moments...minutes she could die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Get off of her!” It was Aaron’s voice.

*Screams, jumps up and down, points at computer screen* ITS SUPERMAN!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~

........AWESOME!!! this was seriously the best you've ever written. Keep it up. Can't wait to read more.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Krisy-
First off, I love the title. So cute and true.
Now, for my comments...God! I hate her mother. Becca is so right. Her mom is such a hag.
Is her mom like on drugs or is an alcoholic to make her be like this? It's just terrible.
Anywho, I'm totally lovin Aaron. Jas, is right. Superman, to the rescue!!
Seeing that Jasmine {thanks, Jas!} pointed out the mistakes...I guess there's not much for me to do.
Well, keep up the great work, Krisy!!
Pm me for the next part.
-Merry

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:58 am    Post subject: wow Reply with quote

this is really awsome. if and when this gets puplished im soo buying it. i love these kinda stories.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. You are an amzing writer. I agree with shellychan, and I really do love these types of stories!

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shellychan:
Thanks so much! I love stories like this too! I based some of this on my life and some of it I made up. I really like how everyone can relate because it make you want to read more! Thanks again!


Writing for love is a pas:
Thanks so much for the comment! I try my best to write the best I can. I agree with both of you too! I am in love with stories like this! Thanks again!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, this is interesting. the greater part has been corrected already so thats good.
What is up with the mother anyway?

Ican't ait to read the next chapter.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story is going great.
The small errors are already pointed out so me left with the job to praise it only.lol

I really like the plot.
And the title really a well chosen one.
I like the hero's name Aaron.Very Happy

Lets just wait for the next part.

Good job!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have some serious spelling issues going on here. Yeah, I was so excited that I couldn't
type wait properly, oh boy.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 1:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, THANK YOU.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I paused for a second and reconsidered my options, “Fine. Let’s go.” I said opening, and walking out the door.


what are the optionss??? i wanna know(:


anyway, i couldn't really picture her mother fighting her. it was a blur to me, but it was still good(:
im so happy aaron was there!! he's like the edward cullen and your his bella swan, except for the other stuff wiff vampires. lol.

anyway, i loved the ending, i want you to write more!

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

also, i didnt know the girls name or history besides when you mentioned it.
what happened in her past that made her mother like this?
How did she and aaron meet.
How old are they? What grade?
Where is her father? What happened to him?
i want to know a lot. but if you cant fit it in, thats fine.
usually some books dont have that information, and the story just flows(:

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mouth dropped, because wow.
...Amazing.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 1:58 am    Post subject: omg Reply with quote

omg this is awesome

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sounds good so far. jasmine pointed out everything, so i got nothing to say. pm me when you have the next piece up okay.

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