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Moonlight
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 Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: The Vampires War |
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Chapter one: A Birthday Disaster
"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"my mother spoke clam as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. "Happy birthday." my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here its from me and your mother." He mumbled. It's wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased; there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's case. "Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of, course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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Authors note: You must understand I haven't wrote in a while so... |
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artistpersona
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:35 am Post subject: Re: The Vampires War |
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| Moonlight wrote: |
"Blow out the candles, Yuki," [just need a space here] my mother spoke clam as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at.
"Happy birthday." my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed [don't need the d]-shaped box.
"Here its from me and your mother." He mumbled.
It's wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased; there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's case.
"Do you like it?" my father mumbled again.
I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of, course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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I just spaced it out a little more, make sure to do that.
This is nice. I know some people would complain about the short length but I think it's fine. Short chapters can be "fashionable"; take the book Holes for example.
Keep writing,
-Aeritha |
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ImaginativeInsanity
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting story beginning. I'm really interested to know who the dark figure is.
A little bit of proofreading:
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"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"my mother spoke clam [calm] as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure, but as soon as it was there, it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. "Happy birthday." my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here, its[it's, as in it is. 'its' denotes possession.] from me and your mother.[should be a comma.]" He mumbled. It's[This time, you're using it for possession, therefore it should be its.] wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased;[I believe the word you want here is 'encased', and it requires no semicolon, only a comma.] there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart.[Consider rewording this sentence. The repetition of 'a heart' messes with the rhythm.] I slowly took the pendant out of it's case. "Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of, course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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Other than that, you might consider varying your sentence lengths a little bit more, or changing how you choose to start the sentence. It will certainly improve the flow of your story. I also want to add that I like the way you describe some of the actions. Very vivid.
I like the story. Keep it up. 
~ImaginativeInsanity |
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Moonlight
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| ImaginativeInsanity Yeah I like to make things very "vivid". I even won an award for the movies. I'm using it for "Twilight" |
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JessicaB
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with the other reviewers about the corrections. It seems like a really interesting story.
My prediction: The blue pendant has significant meaning!
I'm excited for more. PM me when you add more! |
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Stella_Grrl
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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ooooooooooooooooooooooooo i love it!
i wanna read more though
i think this is a great prologue (sp)
whos the dark figure? how old is yuki now?
what's gonna happen? *strokes fake goatee*
these are tha answers i need to know...
x] |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 7:01 am Post subject: |
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| The only thing I noticed is that your parents don't really seem happy, your father's mumbling etc. Why? But, I can't wait to read more.................................. |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:27 pm Post subject: |
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Okay. You had a few grammar mistakes that I noticed.
Its calm not clam
You also need to seperate your characters dialogue from your description. Its a rule of literature. Also instead of using a period in some of your dialogues you need commas.
It seems very interesting and I love vampire stories. When you get the next post up on this story PM me and I'll happily review it.
Great job, good luck, and keep writing! |
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Googleface
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| It was short but I liked it because it had a sense of mystery and darkness and I like that sorta thing. |
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Moonlight
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: ok. |
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Tomarrow There will be more,17 pages I hope to get in.  |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 8:20 pm Post subject: Re: The Vampires War |
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Hello there, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, everybody does.
Sweetie, I'd just like to remind you that there are a few rules in YWS just to make sure everything runs smoothly. One of them is that for every piece of your own work you submit, you review two other people's. It's only fair really. Your review count is currently at zero, so get cracking!
Right so. Onto the review itself.
I. NITPICKS
Here's how it works. Big quote box with your piece in it. Comments, corrections and compliments in bold!
| Moonlight wrote: |
Chapter one: A Birthday Disaster
"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"my mother spoke perhaps a simple said would fit better. Then a commaclamcalm as usual.I'd go new paragraph.
I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. new paragraph
"Happy birthday," my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. new paragraph
My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here itapostrophes from me and your mother," he mumbled. It'sIts wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased;Encased, there was the necklace that I've I'd wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's its case. new paragraph
"Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. new paragraph
"Of, no comma course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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Okay...
II. PARAGRAPHS
You need a new paragraph whenever:
-there is a new speaker in a conversation.
-a new idea or theme is introduced.
It's especially important on YWS because they break up the text. Nobody wants to look at a big chunk of words, it's going to hurt their eyes. So it's very important that you use paragraphs. Have a look in some books and newspapers or even other stories on YWS and see how to use them.
III. OH, PUNCTUATION CONFUSES US ALL...
It does. It really does. Especially when it comes to speech!
Here's the deal:
"I like pie." Said Bob.
is two separate sentences. Right?
But they shouldn't be seperate! "Said Bob" is a speech tag, just like said Mary, Bill said, Joe said with a shrug, Ann mumbled.
And a speech tag is just a continuation of a sentence, so you don't use a full stop or a capital letter. Instead:
"I like pie," said Bob.
Question marks, exclamation marks and ellipses are fine, but none are followed by a capital letter.
Confused?
IV. IT'S ITS AND ITS IT'S! WAIT... WHAT?
I'll try and make you remember. May fail.
An apostrophe replaces a letter, like do not becomes don't, I am becomes I'm. So it is becomes it's.
Think of "its" as in something belonging to it as a word in its own right, like my, your, his or her...
Make sense or no?
V. STORY
It's her birthday and there is a mysterious figure looming.
What else?
Fill it out! Tell us more! There's always room for more!
VI. SUSPENSE
I looked up and I saw a dark figure but then I went back to the party.
*yawns*
How utterly dull. Spruce it up! Is she shocked? Frightened? Petrified? Does she freeze? Tremble? Scream?
Make it interesting for us.
VII. OVERALL
I know you haven't written for a long time so I'll take that into account. You could use some practice is all. Get into good habits over your grammar, etc. Maybe read a bit more of the genre you're looking at, have a look at the authors' styles.
Hope I've helped!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
-Stella. |
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beliel93
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| Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:43 am Post subject: |
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| Very very wonderful tease in my opinion. It would make an amazing chapter, but if so how does the next one start off? If you don't want to add posts to your story just P.M. please? And I enjoy the innocence then sudden contrast towards the end.Very much so the ending. I love it. Hope to see more. Oh and not to be a meany but yeah spacing would be nice =\ |
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beliel93
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| Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: |
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| I really enjoy this as a teaser. As a chapter too, just what does the next chapter start out as if its written or what plans do you have if it isn't? And not to be a meany the only big argument I have is the spacing. So congrats on a very good piece of writing. I hope ot see more of it or not to be as blind if its already up. |
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JanksterWriter
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| Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: Re: The Vampires War |
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I just added a few grammar corrections.
| Moonlight wrote: |
Chapter one: A Birthday Disaster
"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"(space)my mother spoke calm as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure(,) but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. "Happy birthday(!)" my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here(,) its from me and your mother." He mumbled. It's wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased; there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's case. "Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of course(,) I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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Authors note: You must understand I haven't wrote in a while so... |
I really like it. It gives a lot of information, without being too descriptive. I see this as the beginning to a very interesting story. You've got me hooked!
The necklace sounds pretty, too. |
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