Topic ID: 37094
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vixeyt
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 Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: Sucrose |
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Sugar sweet lips,
Tender curving hips.
Shiny eyes of blue,
Cheeks a careful hue.
Your beauty will be mine
As I spill your red wine.
Earthy browns will do,
Truly suiting you.
The day my eyes lay
First upon you, soft as clay
You were mine to be,
Else dead of me.
The grave truth of life,
Is all made of strife.
Fleeting pain
Eternal gain.
Nonsense all through this,
Words on the wind of a gentle hiss.
Yours and mine, an icy kiss
Sucrose tis.
Be my sucrose sweet one
Forever sucrose sweet one.
Sweet heart of a crystal part.
Sucrose honey dead. |
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Princess
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow! while i was reading this poem, i instantally thought "Twilight"..Were you writing this poem based on the book? It is very good.. The only critique i can give you is that you...umm..you should... uuhhh..WOW.. this poem is so good, i cant give you any critique! great job! |
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laura claridge
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:08 am Post subject: Re: Sucrose |
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Wow. I really like this. I don't see anything wrong with it at all.
I liked the way it rhymed. It adds a sort of magical quality to it, which helps strengthen the imagery of the poem.
The way you used sucrose instead of sugar was a neat trick that i've never seen done before. I think it was really clever and unique. |
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vixeyt
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated.
I didn't base this on the twilight books. I have never even seen any of them in bookshops or libraries, let alone read them.
I chose to use sucrose instead of sugar because it had sounded more dangerous and deadly than sugar, if you get what I mean. |
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Is it the dark side of ambition or the ambitious side of darkness? - Myself during reflection |
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ScottieRAWR
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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That was an incredible piece of writing.
In my mind a couple of bits were questionable but considering they made the poem rhyme it works. |
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DarkAngle11
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome poem, it really is! I loved how it started and the imagery. The only thing I didn't like was it became slightly repetative around 1/3 of the way through, leaving me a little worried it would continue that way. Thankfully it didn't and when I finished reading it I really loved this poem. Great job! Keep it up!
Jacob |
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Electric Blue.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:50 am Post subject: |
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Great choice of words.  Sucrose does sound deadly and dangerous. |
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vixeyt
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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Apologies if it did sound repatative. I hope that, overall. Everyone enjoyed it.
Yes, I mean if I had just called it sugar it would be a bit boring and if I had named it fructose, glucose or maltose it wouldn't sound the same, have the same sort of feeling if you get what I mean. |
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Evil Is But A Perspective - Myself in roleplay as Dora Tonks
Is it the dark side of ambition or the ambitious side of darkness? - Myself during reflection |
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