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Poetry Fight
Poetry Fight

by Kaylyn in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on October 10, 2008
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The Hard stand chapter1
The Hard Stand Chapter3
The Hard StandChapter 4

The Hard Stand Chapter 2

Topic ID: 37087
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lordgluzman   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:23 pm    Post subject: The Hard Stand Chapter 2 Reply with quote

The ending of the last chapter: When I was just about to grab the neddler, my eyes widened up as they cached a huge foot stepping on the grunts weapon as I looked in the face of my enemy that was just about to kill me.

Chapter 2

The memory

Everything was dark at first, but in seconds a light was growing. I found my self sitting on a pelican drop ship. “We are about to land marines, hold on tight!” the pilot warned. In the next 5 minuets I was out of the plane trying to understand what the hell was gowing on! Is this a dream I wondered? When I looked back I saw a whole group of medics running at the plane getting out the wounded soldiers. “You are terribly wounded sir!” a nurse screamed “What I don’t feel a thing.” The nurse looked at me like I am an idiot “You are shot sir. Write next to your shoulder!” “Hell no I’m no-t-t. Holy crap I am, but how? When?” Their was a silent pause, but I decided to stop the quietness “Excuse me, I need to go. As I turned my back on her I understudied that this was a memory. Hullo, I thought. I think I should shut up and let the person that I am in do the work for me. All of a sudden I started to walk not knowing where. I came to an old scrubby door and opened it. It was my own cabinet.

(Ow ye I almost forgot two days ago I became a captain, but not fully. I was still taught how to be one by one of my other commanders. So that’s why I have my own private room.) As I sat down on my bed the door opened again. A beautiful enchanted young woman, Tex, walked in. “You feeling alright?” I didn’t answer (Not remembering why I did that and when.) “Why did you save me?” She asked. I started to begin remembering me running down a battlefield bullets flew over my head. I saw Tex fighting a brute (They usually fight in packs and are really ruff guys. They are really looking like guerrillas in a physical and emotional way. The brutes are 7-8 feet tall.) I saw one of his comrades trying to fire Tex in the back with a spiker. I ran fast as I can pushing her to the ground, shooting one of them in the face with my M90 shotgun and getting shot in the arm. “Why?” Tex asked the second time. “Because I have to protect my comrades, and it’s my duty.” “No! No. I don’t want any more lies.” I mad a deep breath “I love.” All of a sudden I felt her lips touch mine. The room started to get darker and darker untill.


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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you


Last edited by lordgluzman on Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lord Anzius   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahem... Put the thing in the beginning... into the last chapter... not this.


So let's start.

Quote:
In the next 5 minuets I was out of the plane trying to understand what the hell (had happened)?




And this part:

Quote:
“You are terribly wounded sir!” a nurse screamed (Paragraphing) “What I don’t feel a thing.” The nurse looked at me like I am (would have been.... not am.) an idiot “You are shot sir. Write next to your shoulder!” (Press enter here) “Hell no I’m no-t-t. Holy crap I am, but how? When?” Their was a silent pause, but I decided to stop (Break, not stop) the quietness (Try the word: silence) “Excuse me, I need to go. As I turned my back on her I understudied that this was a memory. Hullo, I thought. I think I should shut up and let the person that I am in do the work for me. All of a sudden I started to walk not knowing where. I came to an old scrubby door and opened it. It was my own cabinet



And this:

Quote:
(They usually fight in packs and are really ruff guys. They are really looking like guerrillas (Gorillas) in a physical and emotional way. The brutes are 7-8 feet tall.)


Otherwise very good.

Very Happy

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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

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That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
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laura claridge   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 6:54 am    Post subject: Re: The Hard Stand Chapter 2 Reply with quote

I'm back because i was intrigued by the first chapter Very Happy

Again with the paragraphing. For me, seeing just one big block of writing is un-nerving and hard to read, especially when there's dialogue switching between different people all cramped into one space.
(Adding paragraphs also makes your work seem longer Wink )

And the explaining thing in brackets. I don't really think you need to put it in there.

I liked how you put the last bit of the last chapter in at the beginning, as a reminder.

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This thread was created on October 10, 2008

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