Topic ID: 37067
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adriangarcia
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Country: United States of America
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:42 am Post subject: Oh Swan! |
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Oh Swan!
BY Adrian
Oh Swan, won’t you sing me a song?
Make it float and dance on air.
Allow your voice to resonate across the pond
for I want to hear a song!
Don’t be shy and sing me a song.
Come closer, oh Swan, and allow me to touch you.
Your feathers are so white and soft.
Here, take some bread for your troubles
of gliding across the pond.
Silly bird, I wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Stay still would you please, Oh Swan!
I can’t pet you, my dear, if you’re flailing about!
And, please, quit that trumpeting!
You’re giving me a headache!
Oh no! What have I done?
Oh Swan, are you asleep? Have you fallen asleep?
Quit lying about and wake up!
Please, I beg of you, wake up!
Wake up!
Oh Swan, you should have sang me a song.
Oh Swan, you should have allowed me a touch.
Oh Swan, you should have stayed still.
Oh Swan, what have I done? |
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xGraceex
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Posts: 238
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Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: hi |
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This is very strange, though in a good way  the style reminded me of the ninteen twenties and that time, a famouse poet wrote in a very similar way to how you just did. I really liked how the obvios distress of the author came across to the readers, they so wanted to touch the swan and it was frustrating for them for it to not undertsand and act afraid. But is the swan suppost to represent something else? maybe a girl or something? something that was beautiful but wild and out of bounds? i was just wondering, because it could have meant that too. Great poem, it flowed nicely as most of your work does and i hope to see more of your new work soon keep writing, your different and talented and your poetry is great and honest |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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500 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
I'm not sure if it was the angle you were going for, but this poem was strangely haunting. As well as many other things. You got a lot right in what you were doing, and that was keeping it simple. It's a good technique in learning the skill to use a clear subject, rather like (and I'm not saying you are a beginner) a artist starting out by drawing a bowl of fruit. Anyway, onto the poem.
The poetic voice was good. It's hopefulness and impatience gave it a very childish ring:
| Quote: |
| Oh Swan, won’t you sing me a song? |
Good opening line, as it goes. Maybe a bit overused- the hyperbole of 'Oh, Swan', but nonetheless, it worked, so we'll leave it well alone.
The repetition of this was also good:
| Quote: |
| for I want to hear a song! |
I liked the assonance in these lines:
| Quote: |
Allow your voice to resonate across the pond
Don’t be shy and sing me a song. |
The overall development was very good. I have to admit it, I wasn't expecting to see it take such a full form when I read the title. I was pleasantly surprised. The language used was perfect, casual yet deep, the imagery simple but effective. I also really have to commend you on the tone you used. It added to the double meaning of the poem, which I suspect, was innocence? Or maybe I'm reading into it too much. Maybe it was just about a swan! Who's to know?
The end was scary but fitting. I liked the confusion at the end especially:
| Quote: |
Oh Swan, you should have sang me a song.
Oh Swan, you should have allowed me a touch.
Oh Swan, you should have stayed still.
Oh Swan, what have I done? |
Anyway, great work, this earns a good star.
Luck,
Eimear |
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Angel of Death
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1533 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
My you are brilliant and this was yet another one of my favorite poems from you. Yes, I agree this is very different for you but you pulled it off as if you wrote other poems like this before. It was very morbid but it was the epitome of literary beauty. The repetition of Oh Swan was a nice touch and I really enjoyed this.
Favorite stanza:
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Oh Swan, you should have sang me a song.
Oh Swan, you should have allowed me a touch.
Oh Swan, you should have stayed still.
Oh Swan, what have I done? |
It ends the story well and it highlights what this person did to the poor swan.
Lovely job. Keep writing!
~Angel |
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