Topic ID: 37066
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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 Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:30 am Post subject: ingnore the stuck up fags |
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give a little more appreciation
to people who help you loose your frustration
when you get pissed off by someone
just say fuck it, you won
if you try to make their life bad
you will only waiste your time
and this feeling will just sublime
you think that one little moment when you get burned at was bad
truly no one cares but you so fuck those emotions, get glad
i really think that looking at that person and whishing they died
is the worst feeling so pout that aside
by the way after high school or shit you and that prick will never collide
so all those little things they said to you are nothing
because his family compared to yours is nothing |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
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This was very poorly written. I assume you wrote it in a hurry, because there is no grammar and a lot of misspellings.
I suggest not posting things like this without a quick edit, at least.
It was too angst, emotional, and predictable.
-Adrian |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it was pretty good rap song. But you should make it longer. But to be quit honest I thought you did write it in a hurry. Come on you have a million more better songs that I have heared. Post them! |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:39 am Post subject: |
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There are quite a few spelling mistakes and stuff here, as well as a lot of swearing (which isn't bad as such, like, but I think maybe you did it too much. Also the word 'fag' you have there in the title is quite offensive really). I like the message you're trying to put across, I think if you spell checked it and read it through and made it more... cohesive it might be better =] don't give up.
R x |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
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I don't care if a piece is offensive. Poetry should evoke strong emotions, so that's fine.
But when a piece is just careless, crass, and contrived--like this clearly is--it's a no go.
Try to actually write with heart. |
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I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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