Topic ID: 37037
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Reuben A
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 Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:38 pm Post subject: Prologue |
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| Hello, I just thought of this, so there''s not much, and it's not great, but please critt. |
So far, nothing peculiar had happened, which in itself was, well, peculiar. This was the exact thought that Xylon was having the morning that the strangest thing that had ever happened, happened in the small country of Herrio.
It was around two in the morning, and tea-time in Herrio. Xylon was sitting in a deep armchair, sipping tea and relaxing. Next to him sat his best friend, Lioz, who he had known since they were four.
"Nothing strange happened yet, has there?" Lioz asked, sounding almost paranoid.
"No..." Xylon replied. They were sitting in the living room. It was a massive circular room, with big wooden roof-beams. The walls were painted cream; there was also a lush red carpet that pushed up between your toes like long grass. From the outside, the house looked as if it was made out of grass, for the walls long horizontal thatch, and for the roof green reeds.
"But surely something must happen," Lioz told Xylon.
"Don't talk like that...maybe nothing will happen," Xylon replied hastily.
"Something will happen if you keep talking like that!" Smaz cried out, popping his head through one of the square windows. Lioz and Xylon jumped up simultaneously.
"What in the world are you doing?!" Xylon cried out with wide eyes. "Popping up like that! If I were a few yeas older I would've had a heart attack!" Xylon's dark blue hair had already begun to grow streaks of white since the last Carracoul, (Midyear's eve).
"Sorry," Smaz said, sulking away. Lioz and Xylon sat, once again in peace.
"Though the lad is young, he has a point," Lioz pointed out.
"I agree, so lets not speak of it again." And with those words, they both heard a loud crash.
* * * |
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Last edited by Reuben A on Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:33 am; edited 7 times in total |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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UUUUUH... something new. YAY
Okay great beginning... I can't find anything to nagg about... but give me time =P
Very well writen.
Name???? Hmmm. Maybe
The Carracoul
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, Rueben, not one of your best pieces. It was confusing and I have no idea what is going on. I can tell that it was a sudden thought, although the names were interesting. I am sure that this story could develop into something just as good as your other ones. (Sorry, I just like your other stories better!) |
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Bickazer
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: Re: Prologue |
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Here I go.
I'd say "it" should be capitalized but more than that, I think this first sentence should be scrapped completely. You never, NEVER want to start a story by saying "It was morning" or "It was noon" or "It was a dark and stormy night" (bleccch). It's just boring and unimaginative. There are many more creative opening sentences than "It was [time period]"--try for them; it'll help hook readers.
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| So far, nothing queer had happened, which was strange |
.
You are aware of the connotations of the word "queer"...? Use a more innocuous synonym, like "strange" or "odd" or "peculiar" (I'm not very fond of the last one, mostly because it brings to mind "the peculiar institution", but blehhh...)
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| This was the exact thought that Xylon Xylons had been having the morning that the queerest thing happened that had ever happened in the small country of Herrio. |
The sentence makes zero sense. Sorry, but you need to clarify it a little. And again you said "queer"...*twitches*
I can halfway see the kind of voice you're aiming for, a more whimsical Lewis Carroll esque voice, but t it's not working out so well. That sentence, for one thing, is too wordy, and the story feels almost silly, unless you were aiming for it to be silly. I'm just not feeling very engaged at the moment.
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| It was around two in the morning, tee-time in Herrio. |
You drink "tea"; you putt "tees".
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"Nothing strange happened yet, had there?" Lioz asked.
"No..." Xylon replied. they were sitting in the living room. |
It seems to me you're overusing dialogue tags. One or two is fine, but in most cases a simple "said" will suffice. A dialogue tag is just a lazy way to tell, not show, your characters' emotions. Say "said" or better yet, leave off a dialogue tag entirely, and describe what your characters are feeling and doing.
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| it had massive circular living room, with big wooden roof-beams. the walls were painted cream, there was also a lush red carpet that pushed up between your toes like long grass. |
I like the description of the carpet, but you have a few mechanical errors here. The first "It" should be capitalized, and you have a comma splice in there too. End the sentence after "cream" and start a new sentence with "there was".
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| "But surely there must happen something." Lioz told Xylon. |
This is extremely nonstandard grammar--it makes Lioz sound stupid and uneducated, unless you were aiming for that effect. Otherwise, it'd be better to use "But surely something must happen". Also, again with the dialogue tags.
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| Don't talk like that...maybe nothing will happen." Xylon replied hasty. |
Dialogue tag plus adverb (as I assume that "hasty" is supposed to be "hastily")? Come on, you can do better than that. ~_^ Don't rely on dialogue tags and adverbs to display your characters' emotions; describe them. Show, don't tell.
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| Xylon's dark blue hair had begun to grow streaks of white hair since the last Carracoul, (Midyear's eve.) |
WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT??? O_______________________o
All right, to tell you frankly...I didn't like this. It was just too weird and a ton of things were happening for no reason. Who are Xylon and Lioz, and who is Smaz? Where are they? Why is this day so "queer"? WHERE IS THE PLOT??? So far, you've just got a ton of random and pointless things happening for the hell of it, which is never a way to write. I'm sincerely hoping that this is NOT a serious project as it's just too weird, and this was something you just dashed off on the spur of the moment. I mean, I do that to and believe me, the things I randomly dash off are just as randomly stupid as this. It's fun, but it doesn't make for good writing. If you want to show something to the public, it should be finely crafted, well-thought-out, not hammered out on a random caprice.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors, and I'm sorry if I come across as too harsh. I just can't see you going anywhere with this. I'm most certain you can do better than this; I notice you've just completed an epic fantasy story, for one thing. Try for something as involved as that for your next project. You can still write silly things, but keep them to yourself; that kind of writing should be yours only. Keep trying, and don't get discouraged! ^^ |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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I'm short on time, so I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeating.
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| So far, nothing peculiar had happened, which iniself was |
By 'iniself' I think you mean 'in itself'.
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I think you mean "In itself" not "iniself"
This was the exact thought that Xylon was having the morning that the strangest thing happened that had ever happened in the small country of Herrio. |
I didn't like the repetition of the word 'happened'. Get rid of the first one.
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| "No..." Xylon replied. they were sitting in |
Capitalize T in they.
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| It had massive circular living room, with big wooden roof-beams. |
I think you typoed here...
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| Xylon's dark blue hair had already begun to grow streaks of white hair since the last Carracoul, (Midyear's eve.) |
I don't like the repetition of the word 'hair'. Get rid of the second one.
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| Xylon agreed, and with those words, they both head a loud crash. |
You spelled 'heard' as 'head'.
Overall this was an okay piece, although, the I'm not sure what's happening. What I mean is, I'm not quite sure what the backstory is right now. Also, as Bickazer said, this didn't really have much plot, but was full of random happenings. I'm not quite sure about this one. It was okay, but not great. It just needs a little work, which I'm sure you can apply. |
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Nitier
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Reuben A wrote: |
So far, nothing peculiar had happened, which in itself was, well, peculiar. That's a bit confusing for an opening line. Since I can't suggest a way to fix it, I suppose that's just me commenting, though.This was the exact thought that Xylon cool name was having the morning that the strangest thing that had ever happened, happened in the small country of Herrio. Um. That last sentence was a bit confusing, too. Too many "happened"s maybe?
It was around two in the morning, tea-time in Herrio. Because otherwise that sentence is a bit dry, I'd change the period to a comma and put an "and" after it to connect it with this next sentence. Xylon was sitting in a deep armchair, sipping tea and relaxing. Next to him sat his best friend, Lioz, who he had known since they were four.
"Nothing strange happened yet, had there I don't understand the underlined part. ?" Lioz asked, sounding almost paranoid.
"No..." Xylon replied. They were sitting in the living room. It was a massive circular living room, with big wooden roof-beams. The walls were painted cream. I'm being picky today. That last underlined sentence was very choppy-ish. Me, I like longer sentences, so I'm suggesting making that period a semicolon and not capitalizing this next word> There was also a lush red carpet that pushed up between your I'm thinking this should be "their", although I'm not sure. toes like long grass. From the outside, the house looked as if it was made out of grass. <that should probably be a comma instead For the walls long horizontal thatch, and for the roof green reeds.
"But surely something must happen." <that period should be a comma Lioz told Xylon.
"Don't talk like that...maybe nothing will happen." <should be a comma Xylon replied hastily.
"Something will happen if you keep talking like that!" Smaz cried out, popping his head through one of the square windows. Lioz and Xylon jumped up simultaneously. Wait, who's Smaz?
"What in the world are you doing?!" xD I hate double punctuation marks Xylon cried out with wide eyes. "Popping up like that! If I were a few yeas older I would've had a heart attack!" Xylon's dark blue hair had already begun to grow streaks of white since the last Carracoul, (Midyear's eve. <this period should go on the outside of the parenthesis )
"Sorry." <should be a comma Smaz said, sulking away. Lioz and Xylon sat, once again in peace.
"Though the lad is young, he has a point." <should be a comma, too Lioz pointed out.
"I agree, so lets not speak of it again." <should be a comma Xylon agreed, Since he says "I agree", I would seriously not have the dialogue tag then be "Xylon agreed". Too many "agree"s. and with those words, they both heard a loud crash.
* * * |
After the dialogue, if there's a "she/he said" or something, it's always a comma, unless it's a question mark, or an exclamation point.
This seemed like there could be more added to it. Or maybe it didn't strike me as very "prologue-ey". It also seemed a bit... rushed.
Anyway, hope this was helpful. |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry, I didn't know about that rule of after a dialog tag comes a comma.  And thanks for pointing out all my teypo's!! I'm busy editing... |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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| So far, nothing peculiar had happened, which in itself was, well, peculiar. This was the exact thought that Xylon was having the morning that the strangest thing that had ever happened, happened in the small country of Herrio. |
I think you should take out the secong happened and just connect it...
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It was around two in the morning, and tea-time in Herrio. Xylon was sitting in a deep armchair, sipping tea and relaxing. Next to him sat his best friend, Lioz, who he had known since they were four.
"Nothing strange happened yet, has there?" Lioz asked, sounding almost paranoid. |
Nothing wrong here.
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| "No..." Xylon replied. They were sitting in the living room. It was a massive circular room, with big wooden roof-beams. The walls were painted cream; there was also a lush red carpet that pushed up between your toes like long grass. From the outside, the house looked as if it was made out of grass, for the walls long horizontal thatch, and for the roof green reeds. |
lots os telling instead of showing here. but ill let it pass...
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"But surely something must happen," Lioz told Xylon.
"Don't talk like that...maybe nothing will happen," Xylon replied hastily. |
Essientially they are talking about nothong happening. Truely its a bit boring. Spice it up some.
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"Something will happen if you keep talking like that!" Smaz cried out, popping his head through one of the square windows. Lioz and Xylon jumped up simultaneously.
"What in the world are you doing?!" Xylon cried out with wide eyes. "Popping up like that! If I were a few yeas older I would've had a heart attack!" Xylon's dark blue hair had already begun to grow streaks of white since the last Carracoul, (Midyear's eve).
"Sorry," Smaz said, sulking away. Lioz and Xylon sat, once again in peace.
"Though the lad is young, he has a point," Lioz pointed out. |
okay...
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| "I agree, so lets not speak of it again." And with those words, they both heard a loud crash. |
Finally something happens...
okay overall, I think you need a better development with you characters. the reader doesn't know nothing about the characters besides their name. you also need a bit more description in my opinion. |
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That was my last piece.
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